Second draft...please provide feedback, deadline is soon

[DejaBlu]

This is a revision based upon feedback from an earlier post.  I wasn't able to copy and paste this new version in the original thread.  I haven't yet proofed for grammar and tense.  I will do that later.  I'm more concerned about the content and if I'm on the right track.  Any feedback will be much appreciated.  I'd like to submit my application in the next few days.  I am not a strong writer and this is really difficult for me so please be gentle.  LOL.

 

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Throughout college, I worked in several areas of the healthcare field.  In the hospital, I worked as a unit secretary on medical-surgical and cardiac step-down (telemetry) units, as well as in the outpatient surgery units.  When patients would come to my unit, I would take all the paperwork and assemble the patient’s chart.  Sometimes it was extensive if the patient had come from another facility and much smaller if the patient came through the ER.  Once the chart was assembled, the house physician would see the patient and write orders.  I would “take off” the orders and order the appropriate tests (labs, xrays, CT scans, respiratory treatments, medications, etc).  While on the medical surgical unit, I became familiar with common lab results.  My floor was always busy and the nurses would be running from one room to another.  Most times I would see the lab/xray results before they would.  I would look over the results and make sure to alert the nurses if anything was abnormal.  I became very familiar with medications that were prescribed for different diagnosis (cardiac, pulmonary, post-op, diabetes, etc).

 

After I graduated, I continued to work at the hospital.  One night we had a patient pass away and he was an eye donor. I have always been fascinated by the human body and especially liked watching surgical procedures. I asked the technician if I could watch the procedure. Afterward, I talked with him and asked if the Cleveland Eye Bank was hiring.  The next thing I knew, I was working at the eye bank harvesting human eye tissue for corneal transplants and research.  I performed whole globe enucleations and corneal excisions, performed microscopic tissue exams to make sure it was suitable for surgery, drew blood, reviewed patient charts, and worked with doctors, nurses, transplant teams in the operating room, and sometimes the county coroner.  I was well-prepared for the extensive chart review that had to be done on every patient because of my experience at the hospital.  I was able to understand medication lists and make sure there weren’t any contraindications that would prevent the tissue from being transplanted.  If there was an issue, the tissue was used for research (if the appropriate consent was given).  The eye bank also held community education sessions as various hospitals during Organ and Tissue Donation Awareness Week. There are a lot of misconceptions about eye donation, in particular, and I enjoyed talking with people and answering their questions.  It was and still is my favorite job that I have ever had.  It was difficult at times because my patients were always deceased.  It was even harder when they were children.  But no matter how difficult the job, it was incredibly rewarding at the same time.  Not many people can say they helped turn a terrible loss into someone else’s gift of sight. 

 

Several years later, I had a terrible accident and it was my turn to be a patient.  It was Saturday, March 23, 2012.  I lay on the ground staring up at the blue Montana sky unable to yell or scream for help.  I was thrown from the horse I was riding and as I hit the frozen ground, I heard a crack and felt searing pain throughout my body and instinctively knew that I had just broken my back.  While my group and I waited for the search and rescue team to arrive, two other ladies from my group were thrown from their horses.  One was OK.  The other lady’s horse fell on her and broke her pelvis. 

 

One at a time, we were taken off the mountain being pulled on a cart behind an ATV through two excruciatingly painful miles of bumps, logs, large creeks and rocks.  Luckily, we were both transported to Bozeman Deaconess Hospital in the same ambulance.  Once in the ER, we were separated and whisked away for xrays, CT scans, bloodwork, and finally an MRI.  I was in pain, scared, alone, and wondering if I would be able to walk again.  When the on-call orthopedic surgeon was called in at midnight, I knew it wasn’t good.  My friend’s injuries were very severe and she had to have surgery in Montana.  I was in the hospital for four days and was fitted with a special clam shell brace, molded specifically for my body, which allowed me to travel home so I could have surgery at MetroHealth Medical Center.  This was the start of a journey that tested me to my core.

 

During my recovery, I began to reevaluate my life plans.  I had a job that I liked and worked with a great group of people but felt no passion for what I was doing.  I missed doing something that made a difference in people’s lives.  I missed the hospital.  I missed medicine.  So after much thought and consideration, I decided the becoming a physician assistant was the career for me.  This profession will allow me to work with doctors, nurses, and many other health care professionals while providing the flexibility to change specialties if desired.  PAs also have more time to spend with patients than the supervising physician and this is where I believe I can make the biggest difference in someone’s life.  Because of my accident in Montana, I have a unique perspective that most people do not have.  I can relate to how it feels to be a patient and how the smallest gesture or kind word can literally cause you to smile or breakdown in tears.  I plan to use what I’ve learned to help patients feel that they have been heard, that their concerns have been addressed, and hopefully relieve their anxiety during a very stressful time.

Not sure if I should include this or not.  Some people say yes, some people say no…..

During college I struggled to balance my school work while working a full-time job in order to pay my expenses and in the end, my grades suffered.  When I made the decision to apply for the Physician Assistant program, I was worried that my previous grades from 20 years ago would prevent me from being accepting into the program now.  I knew I had to make any sacrifice necessary to complete the five semesters of prerequisites and maintain a 4.0 GPA while continuing to work full-time.  I am proud to say that three semesters into my prerequisites, I have done just that.  I have two semesters to complete and fully expect to maintain my GPA.

 

Need closing paragraph….
 

[Blue Goose]

Better, but I think it still needs work. Start by reading this:

http://www.physicianassistantforum.com/index.php?/topic/13487-Personal-Statement-Advice-from-"Ask-a-PA-Admissions-Director"

 

I would start with the story of seeing a corneal transplant, then working in that field. If that was your favorite job, why'd you leave, and why aren't you trying to go back? Strongly consider removing your secretary experience--it doesn't seem to add anything. Condense the details of your injury to one sentence. Then, tell us what you learned from it, and how that will benefit your patients. Being a patient doesn't make you special-learning something from it does. Concentrate on why you want to be a PA, and why your past experiences will help you be a good one.

[Blue Goose]

Two more things:

 

Remove your parenthetical descriptions, as your readers know what lab tests and orders are.

 

Don't mention that PAs have more time with patients than physicians do. It's often untrue, and implies a lack of understanding of what PAs actually do.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[DejaBlu]

Blue Goose, thank you for your feedback.  I really appreciate your suggestions but now I am more confused than ever.  I've talked to a lot of PAs and read a lot of the essays on this forum and most of them say that PAs have the ability to spend more time with patients.  That is one of the draws for me but you're telling me that is not accurate and shows my lack of knowledge of the PA profession. 

 

You said not to mention my secretary experience but that is what made me really good at reading lab results, understanding diagnosis and medications, etc.  It's what prepared me for the nonsurgical part of my job as an eye bank tech.  Chart reviews are just as important as excising the corneas.  And just to clarify, I excised the corneas from donor patients.  I never performed or watched the transplants themselves.  I will clarify that the transplant teams I worked with were the harvesting teams.

 

The reason I left the eye bank is because the salary was less than $25K and I couldn't live on that so I had to find another job.  I don't think that is appropriate to put in my personal statement.

[DiggySRNA]

I've talked to a lot of PAs and read a lot of the essays on this forum and most of them say that PAs have the ability to spend more time with patients.  That is one of the draws for me but you're telling me that is not accurate and shows my lack of knowledge of the PA profession. 

 

I've shadowed 2 MDs; an Internist and a Surgeon. The surgeon does both surgeries and clinic post-op follow ups. To my surprise the Surgeon spent the same time (10-20 mins) with each patient as did the Internist. I would personally refrain from saying PAs spend more time with patients because a PA can be and will be just as busy any any other physician/nurse practitioner.  Use that space for something else. 

 

Also take all suggestions with a grain of salt. It is your personal statement so just use what we say as a guide. You're reflecting your PS on your experience, not your experience + what we say because then it isn't a personal statement :P. 

[DejaBlu]

umbPA, thank you very much.  I appreciate your feedback as well.  I feel a little better now.  LOL

[DejaBlu]

nminto91w, thank you for your feedback.  I will be happy to read your post but as I am struggling with my own personal statement, I'm not sure how much help I will be.  :-)

[Blue Goose]

Sorry about the whole brevity thing.  I'll clarify.

 

Please read the thread I linked; the PS advice was written by a PA admissions director.  You can't get a better perspective than that.

 

I advised you not mention "PAs spend more time with their patients than physicians do".  In many practice settings, like FP and EM, PAs function as the only provider that a patient will see, and spend the same amount of time with him or her that a physician would.  While some PAs do spend more time with patients than physicians do, it's not universally true, and you probably don't want to paint with that wide of a brush when you don't know exactly how your reader will react.  It's also listed under the "Remember your Audience" section of the PS advice by paadmissions.

 

Use caution when you read the things that are written here, not all of them are true.  It is difficult to separate the chaff from the wheat, but it needs to be done.  This is especially true with personal statements, where the writers are only potential students , and usually have limited exposure to the wide world of PA practice. 

 

Your secretary experience is valuable, and that shouldn't be ignored.  However, the way it was written, it added nothing to your PS.  Really, it seemed like you were just restating your resume (avoid this).  I would just add a sentence or two about how your prior familiarity with medication lists and diagnoses allowed you to be a better eye bank tech.  In my opinion, you want to write the "soft" skills you've gained in medicine (patient education, finding good in bad situations, etc).  You want to show the reader that you are a good fit for medicine, and expounding on your experience is a good way to do that. 

 

As far as why you're not an eye bank tech anymore, I don't think it's wrong to say "unfortunately, the job did not pay enough to support my family, so I had to move on", but it's a judgement call.  My point in asking why you're not doing it anymore was more to point out that you left your favorite job without explanation, for a [presumably] extended period of time.  It doesn't flow well.  It leaves questions in the mind of this reader.

 

My biggest comment on your essay is, why do you want to be a PA?  I don't know.  I know you want to get back into healthcare, but why as a PA?  Have you ever met one?  Worked with one?  Shadowed one?  What about your experiences with him or her made the profession appealing?  These are things to write about, at least in my opinion.  Cut down on "story time" and get to the meat--why you want to be a PA, and how your past experiences will make you a good one.  Use details to show us your good qualities--I like to use specific examples from past experiences. 

 

It may be easier to start over than to revise your essay.  This is not wrong or bad.  Make an outline.  Read the thread I linked, it's really good advice, from a potential reader of your PS.  Go into details.  You can't say everything you want to, so make sure your points are clear and well supported.