My ROUGH draft...Please be nice. :)

[JamBra0]

Hello everyone,

 

I am applying this cycle to PA school.  I applied half-heartedly in 2012.  This time I am all in...this is what I want. 

 

Here a little about me: 

 

Undergraduate: BS in Liberal Sciences (Health and Wellness)--Started as a Exercise Sports Sciene major and then realized I wanted to worrk in medicine 2.5 years into my program. 

Undergraduate GPA: 3.51

Science GPA: 3.32

Graduate GPA:  MS in Health Science (21 credits so far): 3.92

Post baccalaureate GPA: 3.61 (Graduate studies and additional science classes)

Overall cumulative GPA: 3.53

 

**All pre-reqs are completed at my #1 school**

 

Demographics: 25 year old, black male

 

GRE: Verbal 152; Quantitative 147; Writing 3.0 (Didn't make time to study...unfortunately).

Direct patient care hours: ~4100 (Dietetic Technician at clinical weight loss center/Nutritional Counselor)

 

Research hours: ~700 Provider and Patient Safety at Johns Hopkins (Part-time for a 1.5 years)

 

Community service/Volunteer hours/Honors: ~80 Corporate Wellness Program Coordinator, Graduate Student Representative for College of Health Professionals search committee for new dean, Omicron Delta Kappa (Leadership Honors Society), 2-time Conference All-Academic Team (Student-Athlete Award)

 

****Please provide me with some constructive criticism.  I really appreciate your time.  Thank you!****

 

POP!  That was the sound of my season ending wrist injury.  Being NCAA basketball player, I had perceived academics to be of great importance but athletics were my priority.  As a result I was satisfied with maintaining a 3.0 GPA.  When the team Physician Assistant informed me that I would miss all of the following season, I was forced to reassess my priorities.  Although I was devastated, suffering my injury introduced me to the PA profession and was the catalyst for investing in my future.

 

I began my prerequisites for PA school the next semester by enrolling in BIOL149, Pre-Med Biology.  It was commonly considered a “you’ll be lucky to pass with a C” type course, but I was determined to prevail.  I quickly realized that I not only I enjoyed biology, but more importantly was capable of handling difficult material.  I went on to earn a 4.0 GPA for the first time in my academic career.  Upon returning to the team, I continued to put my academics first, going on to take rigorous courses such as Anatomy & Physiology and Biomechanics.  Being a ‘true’ student-athlete greatly improved my time-management skills, adaptability, and general work ethic.  Though there were many long nights of studying, my desire to become a PA was only deepened as I continued to prove to myself that I could effectively juggle athletics and academics.   I went on to earn academic honors and became the first person in my family to graduate from college.

 

Growing up in Baltimore, I have seen firsthand how underprivileged and underserved populations battle chronic conditions.  More specifically, witnessing many family members struggle to maintain satisfactory health has made serving such populations, a personal and professional goal.  For nearly three years, I have worked at M*******, a clinical weight loss center, as a Nutritional Counselor for overweight and obese populations.  Since many of my clients suffer from hypertension, diabetes, and other weight-related illnesses, my focus is not only on weight loss, but also improving health outcomes.  Discussing obesity and related health illnesses is a sensitive topic that requires a great deal of empathy and compassion, which are two essential skills of being a Physician Assistant.  The ability to build relationships with clients is an invaluable skill I developed while working at M*******. 

 

A year into my position with M********, I began working on my M.S. in Health Science, and started a part-time position at The Johns Hopkins Hospital as a Research Assistant.  As I near the end of my master’s program, I now see the importance of evidence-based healthcare practices and the value of understanding public health concepts.   Experiencing the dynamic relationship between healthcare providers (Medical Doctors, Nurses, and Physician Assistants) at Johns Hopkins left no doubt in my mind that practicing medicine as a PA is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

 

 

Once again thank you for your feedback

[tjpa]

A few suggestions:

 

1. Maybe start with the attention grabbing story of your injury/awakening-keep it brief and to the point, then lead into a thesis statement that will outline the rest of your essay.
2. Slim down and narrow the focus on the discussion of your academic experiences, it is good to describe your academic journey to pursuing the PA field, but there is very little to no description of your direct patient care experiences that are arguably even more important for this application. Do you have any specific patient interactions that stand out, or stories to tell that can highlight your patient care skills?
3. It is helpful to be able to show your qualities through learned experiences rather than just list, or list those that you strive to have but maybe haven't attained yet.
4. Cut out the closing note: "I genuinely thank you for your time and consideration, Sincerely Xxxxx Xxxxxxx" That is more for a letter of inquiry or cover letter, not appropriate for the personal statement.

Lastly, see if your previous schools have a writing department where you can 1:1 constructively work on varying sentence structure and overall brevity of the essay.

 

Hope that helps some!

[JamBra0]

Thank you very much.  I will definitely take your advice especially in regards to the patient contact experience (Duh).

 

2 of my main schools state that they want the personal statements to be between 300-500 words...which is really difficult.  The PS above is around 420 words I believe. 

[JamBra0]

Hello!  I took your advice very seriously and here is the result.  Thought??  (Once again thank you for your time!)

 

POP!  That was the sound of my season ending wrist injury.  Being NCAA basketball player, I had perceived academics to be of great importance but athletics were my priority.  As a result I was satisfied with maintaining a 3.0 GPA.  When the team Physician Assistant informed me that I would miss all of the following season, I was forced to reassess my priorities.  Although I was devastated, suffering my injury introduced me to the PA profession and was the catalyst for investing in my future.

 

I began my prerequisites for PA school the next semester by enrolling in BIOL149, Pre-Med Biology.  It was commonly considered a “you’ll be lucky to pass with a C” type course, but I was determined to prevail.  I quickly realized that I not only I enjoyed biology, but more importantly was capable of handling difficult material.  I went on to earn a 4.0 GPA for the first time in my academic career.  Upon returning to the team, I continued to put my academics first, going on to take rigorous courses such as Anatomy & Physiology and Biomechanics.  Being a ‘true’ student-athlete greatly improved my time-management skills, adaptability, and general work ethic.  Though there were many long nights of studying, my desire to become a PA was only deepened as I continued to prove to myself that I could effectively juggle athletics and academics.   I went on to earn academic honors and became the first person in my family to graduate from college.

 

Growing up in Baltimore, I have seen firsthand how underprivileged and underserved populations battle chronic conditions.  More specifically, witnessing many family members struggle to maintain satisfactory health has made serving such populations, a personal and professional goal.  For nearly three years, I have worked at M*******, a clinical weight loss center, as a Nutritional Counselor for overweight and obese populations.  Since many of my clients suffer from hypertension, diabetes, and other weight-related illnesses, my focus is not only on weight loss, but also improving health outcomes.  Discussing obesity and related health illnesses is a sensitive topic that requires a great deal of empathy and compassion, which are two essential skills of being a Physician Assistant.  The ability to build relationships with clients is an invaluable skill I developed while working at M*******. 

 

A year into my position with M********, I began working on my M.S. in Health Science, and started a part-time position at The Johns Hopkins Hospital as a Research Assistant.  As I near the end of my master’s program, I now see the importance of evidence-based healthcare practices and the value of understanding public health concepts.   Experiencing the dynamic relationship between healthcare providers (Medical Doctors, Nurses, and Physician Assistants) at Johns Hopkins left no doubt in my mind that practicing medicine as a PA is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

[Zen11222]

Initially, I'd say study and retake the GRE, you can always update your GRE score later and fax them a copy. Try to aim for 300 total. I say this because a buddy of mine attempted the GRE three or four times and never got over the 300 mark. He applied two years in a row for PA school and didn't get in. I’m not saying you won’t get in. I’m just saying that it would help tremendously.

 

You should re-read the third sentence in the second paragraph because it does not read correctly. I believe there’s an extra “I” in there.

I’d elaborate on your paragraph about the underprivileged. Maybe mention an underprivileged person you saw and how they looked and how it made you feel. Try to describe the scene and elicit an emotional reaction in the reader.

 

Your second essay is way better than your first one. Great job editing it! Remember, you want to come from your experience, be unique, get the reader to feel something when he or she reads it so they remember you.

 

Your cumulative and science GPA are great, so re-taking the GRE is probably not a necessity, although it would make you more competitive. Also, you may have a leg up in the sense that you already have a Masters. It’s awesome what you have done with school and athletics. I was in the same boat but I worked 40 hours a week my entire college career. So it’s a little different.  Also great job letting them know that you can handle the workload, have desire, and that you are compassionate and empathetic.

Hope this helps.

[JamBra0]

Thank you for feedback. I truly appreciate it. 

 

I wanted to add specifics in a few places but my preferred schools specifically state that the personal statement should be between 300-500.  I currently at like 486 and I dont want to be "duct'ed" for something simple like exceeding 500 words. 

 

You were superman/woman...school work and athletics. Sheesh.  Good job!

[JamBra0]

Hello everyone,

 

***I believe I have made my final revisions...I plan on submitting tomorrow (June 1st).  Just a little information on the programs I am applying to... they want primary care PA students who wants to serve under-served communities...and 2 schools specifically state you should not have over 500 total words...so that is why it is on the shorter end.  Please provide productive, honest criticism...I really really appreciate it.  Thank you!***

 

 

Being born and raised in Baltimore allowed me to witness firsthand how underprivileged and underserved populations disproportionately battle chronic diseases.  More specifically, observing many friends and loved ones struggle to maintain satisfactory health has made serving such populations a personal and professional goal.  Experiencing the uncertainties of life has led me to the Physician Assistant profession and now with a solid foundation I believe I am ready to make my dream a reality.  

POP!  That was the sound of my season-ending wrist injury.  Being an NCAA basketball player, I had perceived academics to be important but athletics were my priority.  As a result, I was satisfied with taking basic coursework and maintaining an average GPA.  But when the team Physician Assistant informed me that I would miss all of the following season, I was forced to reassess my priorities.  Although I was devastated, my injury introduced me to the PA profession and was the catalyst for reevaluating my future.
 
I began my prerequisites for PA school the next semester by enrolling in Pre-Med Biology.  It was commonly considered a “you’ll be lucky to pass with a C” type course, but I was ready for the challenge.  I quickly realized that not only did I enjoy biology, but more importantly I was capable of handling difficult coursework.  I earned a 4.0 GPA for the first time in my academic career.  Upon returning to the team, I continued to put my academics first by taking rigorous courses such as Anatomy & Physiology and Biomechanics.  Being a ‘true’ student-athlete greatly improved my time-management skills, adaptability, and general work ethic.  My desire to become a PA was only deepened as I continued to prove to myself that I could effectively juggle athletics and academics.   I went on to earn academic honors and became the first person in my family to graduate from college.  
 
Since graduating, I have worked at Medifast, a clinical weight loss center, as a Nutritional Counselor for overweight and obese populations.  80% of my 60 person caseload suffers from hypertension, diabetes, and/or other weight-related illnesses, so my duty is not only to drive weight loss, but to improve health outcomes as well.  My position has taught me the value of patient education which I believe is extremely important when serving underprivileged populations.  Furthermore, discussing obesity and weight-related illnesses is often a sensitive topic that requires a great deal of empathy and compassion.  These two skills are essential functions of Physician Assistants, especially those who desire to serve indigent populations.  A year into my position with Medifast, and after an unsuccessful attempt at gaining entry into PA school, I began working on my M.S. in Health Science, and started a part-time position at The Johns Hopkins Hospital as a patient safety Research Assistant. After experiencing research at an R1 school, expanding my knowledge with graduate studies, and now having three years of direct patient contact I want nothing more than to take the next step in my career.