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Need Critique for my personal statement

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"Ella Meirov," called out the medical assistant, as I took my gaze off the magazine and got ready to walk with my mother to the exam rooms. We were called after spending two hours in the waiting area. I accompanied my mother as an interpreter. This was the significant moment I was introduced to my destiny. To my surprise, the provider was a physician assistant, a career that was unknown to me. He asked my mother about symptoms, while I interpreted that she was feeling shortness of breath and has headaches. After taking a few tests, it was apparent that her blood cholesterol was sky high. He prescribed Lipitor and informed the proper usage of the medication.  After leaving the clinic, I had an urge to research about becoming a physician assistant and realized that this is my goal in life.  The role of a physician assistant in the hospital really caught my eye; I can whole heartedly say that I aspire to be a physician assistant that genuinely cares for my patients. My goal is to become a physician assistant whose patients known and trust that I am concerned not only for their medical needs but additionally caring for the individual.

The Lipitor had adverse side effects which caused my mother to feel intense muscle weakness and severe fatigue. It had come to the point that getting out of bed was becoming painful and it produced more pain rather than benefits by being on this medication. One morning, I hear a loud noise as if something fell on the floor while I rush upstairs to see what happened, my jaw drops open in astonishment.  To my shock, I see my mother pale as can be, laying on the floor, sweating, incoherent speech, completely disoriented and powerless. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing, it felt as if her life was slipping through my fingertips and I wasn’t ready to let go. Rushing my mother to the ER, it dawned on me just how serious the profession of a physician assistant really is.  This event imprinted in my mind that being a physician assistant is necessary to being attentive and most importantly detail oriented.

The endless wonders of the human creation are the reason why I chose the field of physician assistant. I have fallen in love with the study of medicine as it interests me to expand my knowledge regarding about diagnosis and treatment of disease. I believe this is a passion instilled within me since I remember being curious about human functions ever since I was a child. This thirst of knowledge combined with my desire to help those in need clearly suggests that this is the career for me and this is what I want to do.

 The responsibility of this profession is immense since the health of a human life are in my hands however it is something  a perfectionist such as I would yearn for. Serving humanity and providing care for the needy is a complete honor and I am certain that my efforts would create a meaningful difference. 

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I'm sorry but it's not all that good. The sentence structure does not flow well, nor does the overall story. Do you have any healthcare experience that you can tie into the story? As of now, your reasons for wanting to be a PA are not very PA specific. Also, what happened to your mother? You leave the reader hanging..


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Guest RainbowUnikittyPAC

You skip back and forth between verb tenses; i.e. "my jaw drops" then a couple sentences later, "was pounding." You need to be consistent. You should also use a proper future tense when discussing your future as a PA.


I think every admission committee as seen this type of "I want to be a PA because a PA helped me/my mom/my dad/my cousin/aunt/grandma/whatever. You need to capture their attention from the first sentence. Not trying to be cruel, but I would not have finished this essay if I had hundreds to read. You need to show that you are unique and qualified. It sounds like you may be bilingual. That is a huge asset and something I would try to make clear.


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