Here is my almost finalized draft of my personal statement. Please critique it!!

[skolchin]

“Jed fell from his wheelchair and was left unaided for several hours. He suffered significant muscle damage causing severe internal complications. After five days in the ICU, he is home but has reduced muscle strength and will require help getting dressed and transferring to the toilet.” I had worked as an attendant for Jed, a student with Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy, which is a fatal disease characterized by rapidly progressive skeletal muscle weakness, for two years prior to receiving the above email from his mother. The first time Jed had to ask me for assistance using the restroom, he was noticeably ashamed. Although I was informed about the extent of Jed’s injuries, it was upsetting to see him having to deal with diminished physical abilities, such as the inability to perform basic self-care. To prevent him from further embarrassment, I carried on conversation as usual, which seemed to put him at ease. From then on, neither Jed nor I were fazed by these potentially awkward situations such as dressing him or transferring him to and from the toilet. I found it rewarding to be able to assist Jed in a way that helped him maintain his dignity. My experience working with Jed showed me that patient care is not only about curing patients’ ailments, but also about alleviating some of the stress of living with a debilitating disease.

The sense of fulfillment I felt from giving direct patient care made me confident that a job in the medical field would be right for me. My initial plan was to become a doctor and, to familiarize myself with the profession, I shadowed a physician during my sophomore year of college. As soon as the doctor and I started seeing patients, I felt the doctor’s sense of urgency to finish the appointments quickly. I was astounded by the brevity of time spent with each patient. In between patients and throughout her lunch break, the doctor busily answered emails and did paperwork. I came home from shadowing feeling discouraged, because direct patient care, the aspect of the profession driving me towards medical school, appeared to be a more limited part of being a doctor than I previously believed. Though it changed my goals, shadowing a physician showed me what I valued most in a career; a job that would allow me to practice medicine, and work directly with patients, while still being able to spend quality time with my family.

I started researching other health care professions, and the role of a Physician Assistant (PA) immediately stood out to me. PA’s are trained in the medical model, like doctors, but their primary role is to give direct patient care. Since doctors are the primary people who deal with the business side of medicine, PAs are not as burdened by this type of work. To learn more about the profession, I joined my university’s pre-PA club. The leader, a practicing PA, informed me of the versatility of the career such as the ability to switch specialties without returning to school and the opportunity to either work closely with a physician or more autonomously. The more I learned, the more I realized the role of a PA provides exactly what I want out of a career in the medical field.

Based on my healthcare experience, research, and conversations with PAs, I strongly believe in this career choice. I have nothing but respect for the PAs I have gotten to know, and am inspired to live up to the example they have set for me. I am driven to become a PA, and know that my passion for the profession, respect and compassion for others, and love of giving direct patient care will make me a successful PA.

[Wet Dog]

Dammit, my response didn't post! Here I go again...

 

1. The email that you start the essay off with is distracting and never ties back into the rest of the essay. I keep expecting there to be some course of action motivated from the email, but there isn't.

 

2. You mention shadowing a doctor (just one?) but never a PA. You say what you didn't like about the doctor was the amount of time spent with the patient, but in many practices PAs have the same 15 minute patient time slots (translates to apx 7 minutes with each patient), so I don't think that is a good argument for wanting to become a PA. It seems better suited for a nursing application. I think you need to mention something a bit more distinguishing between the PA and the doctor. You also never mention having shadowed a PA. Have you?

 

"PA’s are trained in the medical model, like doctors, but their primary role is to give direct patient care." That doesn't make any sense. You are implying that doctor's do not provide direct patient care and it makes you sound like you really don't know much about doctors or PAs. A better way to say it would be to combine that and the next sentence, but not really specifying about "business" responsibilities since I don't think that has more to do with owning a practice rather than being a doctor- i.e., it would not be as applicable to a hospital or group doctor.

 

All in all, I think it is a weak PS.

[smoss]

The best advice I was given when putting my personal statement together was to always be positive. It doesn't come off well when you demean other medical professions, because once you become a PA you're going to have to work with them. Every medical profession has value and plays an important role in providing patients with quality care. If this was my essay, I would go back and edit out all of the negative statements you made about MDs. They're more concerned with your reasons for choosing a PA career, not your reasons for NOT choosing an MD career. Your essay also has a lot of grammatical errors--you may want to have someone who is good at editing take a look at it.