Critique my Admission Essay. Please don't Hold back 2nd draft!!

[Tobechukwu]

I was born in a small village in Nigerian West Africa. Growing up in my community provided me with a real life view of a how limited access to healthcare services can affect lives. When I was 12 years old, I suffered from a great loss. My uncle, Young, was shot during a home invasion and died in the hospital due to inadequate health services. When my uncle arrived at the hospital, he could have been saved but was left with no assistance because he could not afford to pay the admission fee at the time of his arrival. Losing him was heart breaking and opened my eyes to the numerous problems with our healthcare system. This experience sparked an interest in the importance of healthcare in our lives, and the impact it has on small communities that are less privileged like mine.

For example, there was a woman in my neighborhood that suffered from a swollen throat. As a child I wondered why she suffered from this condition. Later on, in secondary school, I found out it was caused by swollen thyroid gland. She had this disease for about 17 years, due to poor healthcare in our community. It was disappointing to know that she could not afford the right medications to help manage her disease or get the surgery to remove the swollen gland. I knew there was a flaw with our healthcare system because it only cared for people who can afford their services. I quickly realized that people that cannot afford healthcare are left to fend for themselves.

When I was 18 years old I had the privilege to come to United States of America with my mother and three siblings to join my father. I was thrilled to start a new life full of opportunities. During my first three years in United States, I struggled adjusting to my new life and environment. I attended Central Piedmont Community college in Charlotte, North Carolina. I earned an Associate Degree in Science, but I struggled with my studies for several years because I was more focused on work and assisting my family. In the fall of 2011 I cut back my work hours, in order to make education my primary focus. To motivate myself, I set a goal to earn my Associate Degree by the summer of 2012. After a lot of hard work I successfully completed my goal. I felt that my education could not stop there. I am in the process of earning a Bachelor's Degree in Public Health at the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. I plan to be finished by the end of the fall semester in 2013.

Anxious to learn more in a healthcare field, I got a job as a pharmacist technician at CVS pharmacy. CVS gave me the opportunity to interact with patients that came in for various reasons. It's important to build rapport with all the patients that come to the pharmacy. I developed a valuable relationship with an 83 year old woman named Mildred who I called "Mimi" to cheer her up. Our relationship began one day when she called to refill her blood pressure and diuretic medication. She expressed that she had no means of transportation to pick up her medication. Unfortunately, my pharmacy does not have a delivering service; as a result I told her that I would deliver it to her. Mimi was elated at the offer. I volunteered to deliver her medications to her whenever she needed them because I understood her situation. I also helped her separate her medications into her pill case by days. Helping her get organized made it easier for her to manage. Mimi gave me a real life view on the importance of taking care of my parents when they reach her age.

Eager to learn more about a Physician Assistant's roles in the healthcare field, I shadowed two Physician Assistants in different health care settings. First, was Mr. Naitik Panwala a PA at The Sports Medicine and Orthopaedic Center in Greensboro, North Carolina. He specialized in Osteoarthritis. I observed him give a hyaluronan injection to a patient and he showed me the sterile steps and precision to take while giving a knee injection. I also watched him administer an olecranon treatment to an elderly patient. He also stressed the importance of sterilization before and after treatment. By the end of my shadow time he invited me to sit with him and I watched him do some insurance work. The second Physician Assistant I worked with was Mrs. Alayan Almond a Family practices Physician Assistant at CVS pharmacy Minute Clinic. I had the opportunity to watch her examine patients for about a week. She explained the importance of caring and building trust with your patients. This thought me.

My aspirations towards medicine stem not only from the desire to create an impact in my community, but also from my innate desire to seek out a greater understanding of the world around me. The human body is one of the most complex and interesting organisms in existence, and the insight to understand the hidden processes that occur within is truly exciting. As the field of medicine continues to develop, newer and more exciting technologies loom on the horizon, such as new treatment procedures, and more effective drugs. As a young, bright, and curious student, it is my goal to further perpetuate this industry, to uphold its standards, to serve my community. I look forward to the opportunity to matriculate with your physician assistant program class of 2014.