First Draft- Would love some feedback please.

[mhintz5854]

The following is the first rough draft of my personal statement. I have some editing to do to make it flow better yet but would love some feedback on the general content especially my final paragraph. Also I can't quite seem to figure out how to get any program but microsoft word to give me a character count, which I am safely under according to it but I know CASPA does not recommend trusting it so any advice on figuring that out would also be greatly appreciated. Also I know there are a few spelling grammatical errors I believe I have caught most of the obvious ones on my own but feel free to point out any others I may have missed.

 

 

“Mr. Hintz I’m afraid I have some bad news.” These are the last words anyone wants to hear out of a doctor’s mouth, let alone someone about to enlist in the military to become a navy SEAL. However, this is the position I found myself in, in the summer of 2012, as I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. In my follow up appointments, I was continually rushed in and out of the office never able to explain to the doctor that I was still having headaches. Six months after my initial surgery, I met with a new neurologist, and one of his physician assistants, and was immediately amazed with the care provided by the physician assistant. Both the surgeon on his PA spent several hours with me during my stay demonstrating compassion for my situation, treating me as a member of the care team, and getting to know me on a personal level. During one of our discussions the PA asked why I wanted to become a navy SEAL. I explained to him that I had an intense desire for a career in which I was part of a highly skilled team devoted to a common cause, one that brought new challenges every day, and allowed me to assist those less privileged than myself. The PA then described how all of those desires were also qualities of someone who could excel in the medical profession. This conversation turned, an experience that what would have been devastating to most, to be the most influential experience in my life; and became the defining moment in choosing to work towards becoming a physician assistant.

 

Although my desire to become a PA did not emerge until after I received my bachelor’s degree, I believe that my education has prepared me to excel, in not only treating a patient, but also in educating them. While at Winona State University, I excelled in both my core science classes and education classes. I feel that the science courses have laid a foundation that adequately prepares me to undertake the rigors of PA school. I feel that the education courses have given me a thorough understanding of how individuals learn allowing me to better relay information to both patients and colleagues.

Upon committing myself to becoming a PA, I reflected on my education, and felt that I had learned a lot about the science medical decisions are based on, but did not have any training on its application. In order to gain a better understanding of this topic I enrolled in a Certified Nursing Assistant course. Upon receiving my CNA certification, I was hired at a home for the developmentally disabled where I was in charge of caring for four individuals with varying degrees of autism. It was here that I learned to properly document daily activities, administer medications, and to encourage a patient independence. My most valuable lesson learned, came on the interpersonal side of healthcare. I learned that the most effective tool any caregiver can possess is a smile and sense of humor that can often disarm even the most guarded patients and go a long way in establishing a trusting relationship that allows one to get a better idea of what is affecting a patient. Following this job, I was employed at a home for individuals with Alzheimer’s disease where I was able to continue to improve my communication skills. I feel that these experiences have developed an ability to communicate with those who most others would struggle with.

 

In my current position, as a CNA at Theda Clark Medical Center, I have the privilege of being directly responsible for a patient’s post-surgery care. I am required to know the procedure they underwent, obtain vital signs, relay patient concerns to other members of the care team, and properly document all aspects of their stay electronically. As I have expanded my clinical knowledge I find myself constantly asking nurses and surgeons additional details of a patient’s condition and how I can tailor my care to their specific needs and encourage the appropriate level of independence for the patient. Through working here I have been able to see just how important communication between members of the care team is, and that no matter one’s position within the team one must always be willing to go above and beyond what is required of them to make each patient realize, they are not only cared for, but important to the team.

 

Within the Navy SEAL Creed there is a verse that reads as follows: “I humbly serve as a guardian to my fellow Americans always ready to defend those who are unable to defend themselves. I do not advertise the nature of my work, nor seek recognition for my actions. I voluntarily accept the inherent hazards of my profession, placing the welfare and security of others before my own.” I believe this verse correlates perfectly with the work ethic and dedication expected of a PA. They are also the attributes that my personal, educational, and occupational experiences have prepared me to bring to the PA profession.

[bgdog]

So...I'm confused, why are you mentioning that you wanted to be a Navy SEAL?

 

Why are you quoting the SEAL creed?

 

You are not a Navy Seal or even a Veteran.

 

While not complete blasphemy, it's a tad pretentious and reeks of wannabe-ism. Those men have sacrificed a great deal which you have not, so speaking only for myself, I'm a tad put off by this and yes...I'm a proud vet, a Navy Corpsman.

 

IMHO, posting a first draft with a grammatical errors does not respect the time of the people on this board. Work on it, then work on it some more, when thoroughly tweaked, THEN post it.

 

Of course, my opinion only.

[mhintz5854]

I completely see your point and after reading though my draft again I agree. I apologize for coming off as a wannabe. At the time the surgery completely derailed my plans to pursue that path and rather than mention that I should focus on how it allowed me to find the PA profession. Thank you for your honesty. I have rewritten my personal statement, edited it, and included it below so that I can hopefully get some feedback on it. Thanks again.

 

 

“Mr. Hintz I’m afraid I have some bad news,” are the last words anyone wants to hear out of a doctor’s mouth. However, this is the position I found myself in, as I was diagnosed with a brain tumor, in 2012. In my follow up appointments, I was continually rushed in and out of the doctor’s office never able to explain that I was still having severe headaches. Six months after my initial surgery, I spent the night in the emergency room of the local hospital where I was told that not only was the tumor still there but that it was several times larger than my original doctor had believed. I was then referred to a new neurologist, and one of his physician assistants, and was immediately amazed with the care provided by the physician assistant. From the time of our first meeting, the PA spent several hours with me demonstrating compassion for my situation, treating me as a member of the care team, and getting to know me on a personal level. This conversation turned, an experience that what would have been devastating to most, to be the most influential experience in my life; and became the defining moment in choosing to work towards becoming a physician assistant. It was at this moment that I knew I wanted to pursue a career as a physician assistant, I had found my calling.

 

 

Although my desire to become a PA did not emerge until after I received my bachelor’s degree, I believe that my education has prepared me to excel, in not only treating a patient, but also in educating them. While at Winona State University, I excelled in my core science classes, and chose to further challenge myself by taking electives such as immunology, molecular biology, and microbiology. In addition to a variety of science classes, I also took several education classes that taught me the different modes of learning, and how to effectively convey information in the most effective fashion.

 

Upon committing myself to becoming a PA, I felt that I had learned a lot about the science medical decisions are based on, but did not have any training on its application. I wanted to be better rounded, and have a full understanding of healthcare and its delivery systems. In order to gain a better understanding of this topic, I began to look for more diverse opportunities as a CNA. I was first hired at a home for the developmentally disabled where I was in charge of caring for individuals with varying degrees of autism, and later worked in a home for Alzheimer’s patients. It was here that I learned the basics of direct patient care. It was also where I learned to communicate using various forms of nonverbal communication. My most valuable lesson learned, came on the interpersonal side of healthcare. I learned that the most effective tool any caregiver can possess is a smile and sense of humor. This can often disarm even the most guarded patients and go a long way in establishing a trusting relationship, enabling the highest quality of care.

 

In my current position, as a CNA at Theda Clark Medical Center, I have the privilege of being directly responsible for a patient’s post-surgery care. I am required to know the procedure they underwent, obtain vital signs, relay patient concerns to members of the care team, and properly document all aspects of their stay. As I have expanded my clinical knowledge, I find myself constantly asking nurses and doctors for additional details of a patient’s condition. Using their input, I try to tailor my care to the patient’s specific needs and encourage the appropriate level of independence. Through working at Theda Clark, I have been able to see just how important collaboration between members of the care team is. That no matter one’s position within the team one must always be willing to go the extra mile to make each patient realize, they are not only cared for, but an important part of the team.

 

My goal as a caregiver is to have every patient be a part of the team, to listen to them, to address their concerns no matter how small, and to ensure they understand, not only how they will be treated, but why. As someone who has experienced both excellent and poor healthcare, it is my goal to make each person I encounter feel as if they were a member of my own family. As a PA I will have the ability to establish the trusting relationship with patients required to provide this level of care and be in a position to answer any, and all, questions they may have about their treatment. When I walked into that doctor’s office and heard those dreaded words, I had no idea how the experience would change my life. Following the second operation, my tumor was successfully removed and, although I had never thought of being a PA before, I had found my calling, to become a PA.