scarey06 Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Deleted Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Martinace Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 You may want to take this suggestion with a grain of salt, as I am not an expert judge of these statements, but I think you should either move your last 4 sentences or delete them altogether. I love your "My motivation to become..." paragraph and I think that it would make a strong and sincere ending. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scarey06 Posted July 11, 2013 Author Share Posted July 11, 2013 D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Posted July 11, 2013 Share Posted July 11, 2013 Your 1st paragraph has to catch the readers eyes. Remember that the admission committee is reading thousands of these? I feel that your 6th paragraph should be incorporated as the 1st parg and I'm sorry but the part about the cheerleadibg doesn't really sound eye catching. You are competing against f doctors nurses RTs PTs and etc. I would keep it to 5 or 6 paragraphs max. I would def put emphasis in volunteering and working in undeserved communities hope this helps Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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