Second time applying! Ready for brutal honesty

[nugrad]

Gently, I speak words of consolation, rubbing the feet of the young child whose braces I just removed. His body is rigid as he lies flat on the hard surface of our measuring board. His mother exposes his G-tube as she undresses him to for weighing. The child’s body goes limp, as both his eyes and his head roll back. I call for a nurse, who enters and the seizure passes. Tears well up in his mother’s eyes. I observe as the clinicians review his recent lab work, and decide to adjust his medication doses due to his unexpected weight loss. I want nothing more than to reassure Mom that she is in good hands, that our providers are here to figure this out and to help her child. I dream of being the provider that has the compassion and expertise to provide her with this kind of comfort. 

  

I first decided to explore a possible career as a Physician Assistant (PA) during my final year of high school. Previously, I had the desire to strive for a job in medicinal biotechnology. Since my family’s loss of my grandmother to Alzheimer’s disease, I had a burning desire to make strides in medical treatment, and I thought that could only be through research. I then learned that a career as a PA could afford me that same opportunity, without limiting me to a laboratory setting. My work experience in high school taught me that my personality fit better in a role that put in on the front-line, working directly with people. A career as a PA would enable me to do just that. It would allow me to make strides in treatment through day-to-day decisions based on clinical observation, while contributing to existing scientific knowledge. 

 

Attending Northeastern University (NU) provided me a unique set of experiences. I learned to appreciate diversity during my first semester, while abroad, and returned home to study health science. Unfortunately, my focus strayed from my coursework at the end of my sophomore year. My only roommate, her parents, and one of our best friend’s at NU were all injured at the Boston Marathon bombing. Instead of spending my final two weeks in the library studying and preparing for interviews, I chose to be with my friends and their families at the hospital. I decided to retake A&P II, as it did not reflect my abilities. Despite my personal struggle during that time, I was offered a job as a clinical assistant (CA) at Boston Children’s Hospital for my first NU co-op.

 

The focus of my progression at BCH is on gaining the most valuable experience I can as I prepare to become a PA. I first worked in our Vestibular Lab, with patients of all ages, as we performed different series of unique vestibular testing. The appointments required an extensive amount of hands-on patient interaction through skin prep, electrode placement, body and head positioning within our machines, and holding younger children throughout tests. We worked as a team to effectively communicate the aims of each test throughout each 1-3 hour long appointment. I genuinely enjoyed learning new ways to help patients through these difficult visits. Following my first co-op, I decided to expand on my desires to help in the faster clinical setting of the Otolaryngology (ORL) department. 

 

Surgical specialty clinics mainly utilize their clinical assistants for in-office therapies and procedures. In addition to performing vital signs and reconciling medications and allergies for every patient, keeping patients safe through restraint during examination and procedures was crucial to our daily clinical operation. Even more critical to the department’s success, is our expert utilization of the physician-physician assistant team. The mutual respect and constant learning opportunities I witnessed only further confirmed my desires to become a PA. In ORL and throughout my shadowing experiences, the gratitude expressed towards these fierce patient advocates is a real testament to how rewarding a career it is.

 

Over the past year, I have been dedicated to growing as a future health care provider and have also grown as a person. I joined a team of physicians and PAs on their research of vestibular migraine variants. The opportunity has shown me that working as a PA can also mean contributing to the advancement and future of medicine. I overcame personal hardship after the loss of two of my best friends to a tragic car accident. I finished my college career strong, with the memory of my biggest supporters propelling me forward. Then, after nearly two years in ORL, I decided to transfer to the department of medicine. My role has expanded to involve point-of-care testing, including pulmonary function tests, finger sticks, A1C tests, and more. The clinic sees twelve different specialties, providing me with an immense amount to learn about medicine through the guidance of our clinicians. 

 

 

My life has changed significantly over the past six years, however, my dream of becoming a PA has not. I am ready to be a part of a team dynamic of life-long learning, and a flexibility to develop expertise in different areas. I am confident now more than ever that I am ready to dedicate my life to a career as a physician assistant.

 

(**still over about 150 characters**)

[lodnl114]

This is a good draft! It's clear that you have a great breadth of experiences. When you have a lot of experiences, though, you have to be careful to not use your statement as a narrative of your resume. You're trying to pack a lot into your statement, and because you try to touch on each experience with limited characters, you lost the ability to critically analyze and reflect on any of them. It prevents the reader from feeling connected to you and your story. I have more specific comments after some paragraphs in purple, edits are in red and strikethroughs, and sentences I have more specific questions/comments about at the bottom are in blue.

 

 

 

Gently, I speak words of consolation, and rubbing the feet of the young child whose braces I just removed. His body is rigid as he lies flat on the hard surface of our measuring board. His mother exposes his G-tube as she undresses him to for be weigheding. The child’s body goes limp, as both his eyes and his head roll back. I call for a nurse, who enters with tremendous urgency and as the seizure runs its course passes. Tears well up in his mother’s eyes. I observe as the clinicians review his recent lab work, and decide to adjust his medication doses due to his unexpected weight loss. I want nothing more than to reassure Mom that she is in good hands, that our providers are here to figure this out and to help her child. I dream of being the provider that has the compassion and expertise to provide her with this kind of comfort. 

You start off strong here and make the reader think this will be an anecdotal statement. It invokes some emotion, which is helpful, but also offers some unclear/unnecessary details. Why were you removing his braces? Where were you working at this time that allowed you to do this? Was it your first healthcare-related experience that caused the light bulb to go off? What was the real significance of this experience that caused it to stick with you?

 

I first decided to explore a possible career as a Physician Assistant (PA) during my final year of high school. Previously, I had the desire to strive for a job in medicinal biotechnology. My grandmother passed away due to complications from Since my family’s loss of my grandmother to Alzheimer’s disease, and I had a resulting burning desire to make strides in medical treatment; and I thought that could only be accomplished through research. I then learned that a career as a PA could afford me that same opportunity, without limiting me to a laboratory setting. My work experience in high school taught me that my personality fit better in a role that put in on the front-line, working directly with people. A career as a PA would enable me to do just that. It would allow me to make strides in treatment through day-to-day decisions based on clinical observation, while contributing to existing scientific knowledge. 

 

Attending Northeastern University (NU) provided me a unique set of experiences. I learned to appreciate diversity during my first semester, while abroad, and returned home to study health science. Unfortunately, my focus strayed from my coursework at the end of my sophomore year. My only roommate, her parents, and one of our best friend’s at NU were all injured at the Boston Marathon bombing. Instead of spending my final two weeks in the library studying and preparing for co-op interviews, an integral part of the  I chose to be with my friends and their families at the hospital. I decided to retake A&P II, as it did not reflect my abilities. Despite my personal struggle during that time, I was offered a job as a clinical assistant (CA) at Boston Children’s Hospital (BCH) for my first NU co-op.

You have some valuable experiences listed here, but the paragraph itself doesn't flow, and comes across as choppy. Offering the detail of going abroad, without a specific experience attached to it, takes up space that could be better dedicated to other experiences. What experience abroad taught you to appreciate diversity? I'm sure schools will ask about grades in their supplements, and discussing the choice to focus on being with friends/families (I hope everyone is going well) might fit better into that statement. 

 

Also, if you're not going to mention being a CA specifically anywhere else in your statement, no need to spend the characters on including the acronym.

 

The focus of my progression at BCH is on gaining the most valuable experience I can as I prepare to become a PA. I first worked in our Vestibular Lab, with patients of all ages, as we performed different series of unique vestibular testing. The appointments required an extensive amount of hands-on patient interaction through skin prep, electrode placement, body and head positioning within our machines, and holding younger children throughout tests. We worked as a team to effectively communicate the aims of each every test throughout each 1-3 hour long appointment. I genuinely enjoyed learning new ways to help patients through these difficult visits. Following my first co-op, I decided to expand on my desires to help in the faster clinical setting of the Otolaryngology (ORL) department. 

You say that you genuinely enjoyed it, but telling the reader is different than offering the reader the evidence from which they can draw this conclusion. You did not hint at being limited in your ability to help, so adding that you decided to expand your scope of practice falls flat. 

 

Surgical specialty clinics mainly utilize their clinical assistants for in-office therapies and procedures. In addition to performing vital signs and reconciling medications and allergies for every patient, keeping patients safe through restraint during examination and procedures was crucial to our daily clinical operation. Even more critical to the department’s success, is our expert utilization of the physician-physician assistant team. The mutual respect and constant learning opportunities I witnessed only further confirmed my desires to become a PA. In ORL and throughout my shadowing experiences, the gratitude expressed towards these fierce patient advocates is a real testament to how rewarding a career it is.

This feels like you're much more focused on discussing your tasks as if reiterating the experiences section of the application. What learning opportunity was most meaningful? Was there a patient or specific experience in executing your tasks that underscored your desire to be a PA? Don't offer "shadowing experiences" as part of your summation if it hasn't been mentioned previously. Continuity is important.

 

Over the past year, I have been dedicated to growing as a future health care provider and have also grown as a person. I joined a team of physicians and PAs on their research of vestibular migraine variants. The opportunity has shown me that working as a PA can also mean contributing to the advancement and future of medicine. I overcame personal hardship after the loss of two of my best friends to a tragic car accident. I finished my college career strong, with the memory of my biggest supporters propelling me forward. Then, after nearly two years in ORL, I decided to transfer to the department of medicine. My role has expanded to involve point-of-care testing, including pulmonary function tests, finger sticks, A1C tests, and more. The clinic sees twelve different specialties, providing me with an immense amount to learn about medicine through the guidance of our clinicians.

This sounds more like it should be the crux of your essay. I'm assuming a lot of the experiences you wrote about were ones you also included in your statement last year. I strongly encourage you to consider revising what you discussed prior to this and focus on how you've grown and what experiences, upon reflection, have been most meaningful to you. Two to three specifics are ideal. Everything you list in this paragraph feels very rushed. You offer a lot of statements that are not justified anywhere. Instead of telling the reader that you've grown, explain how you've grown. Instead of focusing on tasks, which you discuss elsewhere in your application, focus on the why.

 

 

My life has changed significantly over the past six years, however, my dream of becoming a PA has not. I am ready to be a part of a team dynamic of life-long learning, and a flexibility to develop expertise in different areas. I am confident now more than ever that I am ready to dedicate my life to a career as a physician assistant.

Again, this feels very vague. What makes you more confident than ever? How do you know you're definitely ready for this?  Did you have any experiences with a PA specifically? I don't gain a strong sense of your desire to be a PA beyond what you mention in the beginning of your statement.

 

 

"...unexpected weight loss"

This part of the sentence created a disconnect because it was an unexpected detail that was offered after you had already painted a picture of the child. 

 

"I dream of being the provider that has the compassion and expertise to provide her with this kind of comfort."

This conclusion seems disconnected from the experience you're describing. Were the providers there comforting her? What made you unable to provide the reassurance to her that you wanted to? 

 

"I then learned that a career as a PA could afford me that same opportunity, without limiting me to a laboratory setting."

This seems misplaced because there's no experience that really leads you to this conclusion. How did you know you didn't want to be in a laboratory setting? You only begin discussing that after this sentence. Consider moving it to later in the paragraph, or remove it all together. 

 

"My work experience in high school..."

What experience? Don't be vague. Was it experience in a lab setting? If so, I'd discuss how you worked in a lab setting and quickly realized your personality was better suited for...

 

"...while contributing to existing scientific knowledge. "

How?

 

 

Like I said, you have a lot of great experiences (and probably a lot of patient care hours) and material to work with, but you only scratch the surface of them because you're mostly concerned with showcases your breadth of experiences. Keep in mind that this is not the only component of your application; you have plenty of other places to showcase this. Your statement is really for the reader to learn more about you and understand your desire to be a PA. 

 

Best of luck!!

[thestruggleisreal]

Warning, I’m pretty blunt so take it as constructive criticism

• first sentence is awkward
• in your second paragraph, you explain why PA (but the admissions want to know, why PA INSTEAD of MD? MD’s also do clinical observation, treat/diagnose) You’ll also prob encounter this in interviews so think of a good answer. 
• im sorry about your friends/families hurt in the boston bombing. i think it’s good you mentioned it cause it is very valid/recent. but then later, you also mention losing two friends. That sentence seems a little bit random in that paragraph. It seems that you’re explaining these to maybe justify poor grades in college???? If so, don’t beat around the bush. just say it. “I did poorly in college due to ___X and X but I’ve since recovered and made adjustments….”
• I guess it’s good you tell exactly what type of patient care you did. but you wanna be careful, not to make it like laundry list of your resume and instead, SHOW, DONT TELL. some schools will ask for your resume anyway. something to keep in mind.

 

Good parts: 

First pargraph showing image is good. overall i can tell you have solid patient care experience. overall good essay, decent writing.

[nugrad]

Thank you all for your replies. I rewrote my essay with all of your comments in mind and had a few friends and a PA read it over. Thanks for your suggestions!