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PLEASE I NEED HELP!! 1st draft and its just seems off!!


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I’ve struggled for many years towards trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. Medicine had always being an interest for me and I thought of becoming a doctor, but quickly learned that it does not suit me as the individual that I am. I wanted to work in a field of medicine that took on an ample of responsibility like a doctor but that takes a different approach towards patient caring. Physician Assistant fits that perfectly because it allows the individual to work in a setting that is both driven and humbling. I’ve seen great characters in the few of the PA I’ve shadowed. The patience that they demonstrate towards their patients and their humbling spirit when interacting with their supervising physician.

My interest for medicine derive from my love of patient caring. That is what drove me to do what I am doing now, EMT. During the brief moments that I spend with my patients, I try my very best to make them count. I put great effort towards treating my patients with compassion, care, and respect. I understand that my scope of practice is very limited on what I can do for their better health, but all I can do, I do. The thought of changing someone mood if only for a second just by showing to them that you do really care about their health makes a great difference. Though patient caring is a great deal for me, I wanted more responsibilities around the health fields such as prescribing medicines and diagnosing.

During my volunteer experiences at Caridad Center, I gained a great perspective on why I so desire to become a PA. I first started to just volunteer at Caridad offering my services on doing whatever they wanted me to, but soon I got certified as an interpreter for Creole speaking patients who needed the help. It was such a blessing to my heart to be able to help those who absolutely could not help themselves. I could not do much for them in other areas of their lives but doing what I can for the moment felt amazing. As a Haitian immigrant myself, I was able to better relate to them. My heart goes out to all immigrants because just a language barrier can stop them from so many opportunities that can be given to them.

I remember when the tragedy of the 7.0 magnitude hits Haiti and how my house in United Stated took an emotional quake on its own. We could not sleep or rest until we heard from the family members we have in Haiti. That semester for me was just as startling and it shocked me a lot academically. It was the worst semester that I went through and my grades took a deep plunge. I don’t use that as an excuse but more of an explanation.

So much of my past has shaped me into the person that I am today. I grew up in the city of Port-Au-Prince in the island of Haiti. My dad left for better life to the United States when I was only two years old. My mother left also to the US when I was only four. I was then left to stay with my aunt and uncle under not the best of care. My aunt brought family members form the country to stay at my parents house. At times there could be over 20 of us staying in the same house using the resources my parents were sending from the states. It was not until the age of 10 that my parents were able to fly me to the United States and I was able to be one with this wonderful country and its endless possibilities. These possibilities are what make it possible to pursue a career in Physician Assistant with a strong passion unlike anything else I’ve pursued. My determination, perseverance and my faith are my best weapon towards achieving my goals and they have not let me down.

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You tell a great story and this is a good foundation to work from. However, and I say this with all due respect and care, there are widespread grammatical errors that would be difficult to correct online. Do you have access to a writing center or even a friend or professor that is willing to proofread your essay? The essay needs one-on-one attention to take it to the next level and you aren't going to get that on a website.

 

I wish you all the best!

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A good start would be to try telling the story chronologically. We don't know, for example, why you were as concerned as you were until later, when we find out you grew up there.

 

I though so too, thanks for that. Do you consider placing the last paragraph as the second one or third?

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With the exception of the last little bit about being a PA, the last paragraph could probably be cut down a little and moved up. It is not clear to me whether being an EMT and volunteering at the center are the same thing or what.

 

You've probably got a good story here, but it is fighting to come out. The fact that people who don't know you personally are somewhat confused is a sign that this needs rewriting, not just moving paragraphs around. Tell the story chronologically the long way and then edit it down would be my suggestion. Getting some local help after you write the long story might be a good idea.

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