pre-law -> pre-pa 1st draft. HELP!!

[choco86]

Please advice me on my 1st draft! It still needs a lot of editing and would like your opinions!

I am currently over the limit at 5,500 characters. What do you guys think I can take out?

Thanks in advance!

 

“We, the jury, find the defendant, John Smith, not guilty of aggravated sexual assault of a child.” As soon as the not guilty verdict was read, I sat in the courtroom, still and silent. The only thoughts running through my mind were of all the late nights spent at the office for the last several months, and that they had finally come to an end. Soon after the verdict was read, my client’s family came one by one and thanked us for our work. Still emotionless even as I was giving my client’s daughter a hug, I looked over her shoulder to the other side of the courtroom. The mother of the child buried her daughter’s face in her bosom, rocking her back and forth as she cried silently.]As I drove home from court that day, I was unable to erase the image of the mother and her child from my mind. Usually after a victory in a long, brutal case, I would indulge myself to some of the finer pleasures in life and reassure myself that my decision to become a lawyer had been the right one. However, this time was different. My client was given a second chance at life that day, but in exchange for that precious gift an equally precious part of someone else’s life was taken away.

 

My goal in life was to have a career where I could use my education to help those in need. However, thinking about the child’s family, I felt as if I was doing more harm than help. Therefore , after several months of soul searching, I finally decided to take a year off from the practice of law in order to truly focus on the principles in my life and how to use my education to add value to the lives of others.

 

In order to start again from the beginning, somehow, I landed in South, Korea. Looking back, I think it was fate and faith that took me there. There, I worked in an underserved community and taught English to middle school students. At first I was skeptical about staying since it seemed as if I was going nowhere. However, as I stood in front of the class for a year and saw my students who were always eager to learn, I began to realize that I, too, wanted to be sitting in those seats again—learning. Suddenly, I remembered that I had always loved learning and using what I learned to help others. Now, my next step was to discover the field in which I wanted to learn.

 

While I was teaching at the middle school, I started to teach English for working adults on the side. It was a completely different experience since my students ranged from priests to pilots to doctors. It was while teaching conversational English to doctors that I was first introduced to the world of medicine. The doctors talked about their purpose for going into medicine and how much of a rewarding career it was. Instantly, I was interested in medicine and wanted to dig deeper. Then, as if by fate, one of my students told me about a volunteer opportunity that was seeking someone to translate between doctors and English-speaking patients.

 

I started to volunteer once a week at different small clinics located in the industrial suburbs of Korea. These areas had high populations of illegal immigrants with poor working conditions. Although these foreigners got injured at work, they were not able to get proper medical treatment due to their immigration status. Therefore, when we met with these patients, they were extremely grateful for our help. I was fascinated to see all the doctors, nurses and other staff members working together for each individual patient. Although I was only a volunteer, it was gratifying and rewarding to know that I played even a small part in helping others. When the patients came to me after getting treated to thank me for helping them, I felt a completely different feeling than the one I had experienced couple of months ago in the courtroom. I was elated, I was happy, and I was fulfilled.

 

Now I know that medicine is the field in which I want to learn more and use my knowledge to help others, I also researched the area of medicine in which I wanted to practice. While discussing this topic with my family and friends back in the states, practicing as a physician assistant (PA) came up. My first encounter with a PA was at my own doctor’s office, and I remember that she was able to diagnose and prescribe medication. She was very concerned with my health and even gave me a follow up call to make sure I was continuing my treatment plan. I continued to research what it meant to be a PA, and I was intrigued by their profession and scope of practice. The autonomy and broad range of specialties offered while working with a team of medical professionals to increase the quality of patient care was exactly what I was looking for. I feel blessed to have finally found a profession that I fall more in love with each day. It feels great to be sitting in a lecture hall, learning new things.

 

To further advance my health care career, I started a clinical volunteer internship at St. Francis hospital. As a Clinical Care Extender, I am a member of a patient care team who helps support the hospital staff and medical professionals to increase the quality of patient care. Thus far, I have observed surgeries and participated in basic patient care such as taking vital signs, bathing, changing and feeding patients on different rotations. While shadowing many different medical staff, I learned to recognize that the patient is the most important member of the patient care team. As a PA, I will be part of a patient care team that remembers to put all of our patients first.

[bgdog]

Really??

 

Sexual assault of a child in the first sentence??

 

Really?

 

Dude.

 

Really?

[sstrell1]

It definitely holds the interest and attention of the reader. I thought it was really well written.

[patachok]

I really like your essay, this is what you can call PS. :) It stands out, beginning is unusual, hard to forget, but in a good way I think...

To cut it shorter, I would may be combine paragraphs about teaching into one (adults + kids). Otherwise, Great!

Good luck during your application process!

[choco86]

Thanks guys!! like what bgdog said, the beginning might be harsh but I thought it would catch readers attention.

I am so relieved to hear some positive comments!! I can breath!!!!!

 

Any comments are welcome!

 

Good luck to those applying too this cycle :)

[bgdog]

So many of the essays I read start off with a big emotional grand opening, while that concept seems like the right move, it just seems so gratuitous and only has a vague connection to who you are.

 

The ad-coms want a sense of who you are.

 

While your law background is important to who you are and needs to be in the essay, the current way you do that is just so over the top as to be friken disgusting.

 

"aggravated sexual assault of a child.” is one of the most heinous crimes in the book of crimes and is sickening to even think about, let alone read so flippantly in a PS.

 

I stopped reading at that line and if I was on the ad-com I would make it my life's work to never let you in that school.

 

Of course, it is my opinion and other people obviously disagree.

 

Working in ERs over the last 30 years I have seen my fair share of this very crime and it turns my stomach every time.

[JMann]

The ideas of your essay read well, but I agree that the intro is "iffy." Seems as though it could turn people off, just as it did bgdog. That's certainly not the goal here! Perhaps framing the story in the same manner, but telling it in a more vague sense/terms would have the better results. That way you don't run the risk of putting off some reviewers.

[Super Duper]

Reading "aggravated sexual assault of a child" frames everything else in a negative light. If you watched the show "brain games" on nat geo you would know to lead with positive stuff first because it solidifies that impression. Seriously, when I first read the statement I closed the tab when I got to that part. If you talked about some good things first then add the sexual assault in later as the thing that pushed you over the edge, that might work, but leading with it is a bad idea.

 

edit for brain games episode:

 

http://braingames.nationalgeographic.com/episode/5/

[EKR007]

I agree that the story definitely gets your attention.. but I'm not sure it is the kind of attention you are looking for. I think there are some way less disturbing crimes you could sub in for sexual assault on a child that would get your point across without immediately relating you to the WORST kind of human in the first sentence. If I was an admissions committee, I would be worried that your ability to put your moralities aside to defend this person could resurface later in medical practice, and I would hesitate to let you in.

Maybe instead you could describe how the profession left you feeling 'morally' unfulfilled, or that you weren't really benefitting people in the way you wanted to, without using such graphic language. I worked in my admissions office in college, and the AdCom there would nickname some applicants who left a particularly bold impression, whether good or bad. You probably DON'T want to become "child rapist guy" to any adcom, let alone ever be associated with that kind of person. Other than that, I thought it was really good!!

[Startingover2014]

I love your essay so much  it completely reflect my emotional career search. Just like you mention i knew i wanted a fruitful , joyful career  that provided assisting to those in need. I went from thinking social work but , then i came to the conclusion that it will not be enough for me . I wanted to be hands on not at a desk and not only writing about issues or having to wait while knewing a child, a woman or man is being abuse. I wanted the people that i will help to be able to come back to me and speak to me , reach out to and having that comfort in knowing that they are okay or will be . 

 

Then once i came off the idea of working as an social worker I went back to what i have my BA in and that is Political Science/ Pre-law and i saw myself helping immigrants and refugees but, that came to a short point. When i realize that this path will not suffice the path that i was in search for. Now, don't get me wrong it wasn't the idea that i will feel helpless in this career but it was the feeling of knowing that once I help a person i might never see them again and would have to wounder if they were okay. I need something that was consistent and had a amount of changes that will occur but, i needed to know.    

 

I strongly hope this is all making sense because i find it easy to articulate verbally but , when it come to writing my old ways of writing get in the the way. Nonetheless, with that said I search and search this search really began last year to be honest with you . I volunteer at a PT outpatient center ; since at this point i concluded that the  medical field is where i wanted to be and  needed to be . I wanted to help individual get back to where the once were before being in the condition they were in. But, not PT since i couldn't go into a different career field without entering back into school. .

 

I moved onto OT and it was almost the same as an to PT and at this point i was down and out and was reaching a turning point of maybe i was not meant to do anything as i imaged. I lost hope and felt down and out i even had to move to New York to get work through a temp agency. I left my family and animals behind and saw myself loosing myself and every time i attempted to get back up i felt like i was knocked down. 

 

But, I knew my purpose is helping the sick , comforting family when death is approaching and making someone feel better than there were before seeing me . Not only that , i can bring life into the world or help insure the process is going smoothly . I was on the path of a PA and it will only take 2 years of hard work and determination. 

 

 I finally choose to get in rolled into a phlebotomy training and will be taking my Prerequisites for PA school and will be on the path I've always wanted but,choose to run from. Long story this is a short version of it. 

 

All in all you letter was beautiful and I am very inspired. 

[Startingover2014]

Also your opening was perfect. It was harsh but , a reason that will explain your journey to why is it you want to be a PA. Stating what made you make that life changing move is very vital and what took place in that moment is the beginning to where you are now. 

[Blue Goose]

It took me multiple tries to read through the entire statement-during my first attempt, I couldn't get past the "aggravated sexual assault of a child" part.  Maybe that's because I took two kids to the hospital last night for the same thing, maybe not (current paramedic).  Your readers will be practicing clinicians and may well have the same response-something you want to avoid.  Additionally, I don't think that your vignette enhanced your statement at all, as it doesn't closely relate to being a physician assistant.

 

Questions still unanswered to me:

 

• Why do you want to be a PA?
• How will your experience make you a good clinician?
• What did you do in the Korean clinics?
• As you've never had a healthcare job [that we know of], how do you know that you actually enjoy patient care?
• After being a lawyer and a teacher, how long will you stay in medicine before moving on to your next career?

 

Overall, I thought your statement was insincere, especially the sixth paragraph.  You provide no details of the life-altering moment when you "found a profession that I fall more in love with each day" and you mentioned you liked being thanked in the Korean clinic, but never said what you did to help people there.   You twice mentioned how badly you want to be a student again, but never how you enjoyed applying your knowledge; after being a lawyer and a teacher, it seems as though PA may be the next temporary job for you.

 

My recommendations:

• Remove (I strongly recommend) or rewrite your opening.  If you're going to keep the details, relate it to how you will be a better clinician for having learned to assist people who have done bad thing.
• Focus your statement on what you've done in healthcare and why you want to become a PA as a result.
• Describe what you did in the Korean clinics.  We know about their patient population, but not about your time there.
• Tell us why you want to be a PA and not a physician, nurse, MA, social worker, EMT, RRT, CNA, etc.  Use examples from your healthcare experience as evidence.
• Tell us why your experience will help make you a good clinician.  Mention your language skills. 
• Be concise.
• Provide more details about your encounter with the PA at your PCP's office.

[Epangerl]

I'm an ex-forensic scientist, testified for the opposite (victim) side in cases not too different from this.  You get hardened dealing with cases like this and it is important to remember the sensibilities of people who are not as hardened.  The image of the grieving mother is what influenced you to reconsider your career choice, but it is not where the focus is in the first paragraph, especially to readers who have not dealt with cases like this.

 

It is a gamble to leave the specific charge in there - you do have shock value, but I think the focus ought to be on how the image of the grieving mother stayed with you.  I would leave in the guilty verdict but remove the specific charge and not allude to the victim being a minor.  The image of a grieving mother is enough, and I would suggest focusing on that.

[whoRyou]

I'm an ex-forensic scientist, testified for the opposite (victim) side in cases not too different from this.  You get hardened dealing with cases like this and it is important to remember the sensibilities of people who are not as hardened.  The image of the grieving mother is what influenced you to reconsider your career choice, but it is not where the focus is in the first paragraph, especially to readers who have not dealt with cases like this.

 

It is a gamble to leave the specific charge in there - you do have shock value, but I think the focus ought to be on how the image of the grieving mother stayed with you.  I would leave in the guilty verdict but remove the specific charge and not allude to the victim being a minor.  The image of a grieving mother is enough, and I would suggest focusing on that.

Yes, I would have to concur your statement Epangerl. As a private investigator, cases like this can make one desensitized. I have always said if ever a case does this to me, it is time for me to get out. 

[choco86]

Thanks for all your comments.

 

Just an update...After several revisions and having docs, pas, and others read my ps, I decided to keep my opening statement.

 

So far, I got interview invites from 6 schools and got accepted to 2. On one of my interview, i asked them about my opening statement, and she actually thought it was a good opener. Got their attention.

 

I felt that experience was a huge reason why i decided to change careers and i wanted to tell my story.

 

 

 

 

[Startingover2014]

Congratulation!!! 

[G. Davenport]

When i read the intro to this paper I felt you had just defended someone who was guilty of molesting a child. As a parent of a molested child, this is very disturbing to me.

 

Good luck in your interviews.