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4th and hopefully final revision!

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Again, thanks for everyone's input, its been super helpful. I transposed a few things between the second and third paragraphs to try and work my daughter into it. I think its a little more seamless but if not, let me know and I'll just take it out. I also changed a couple sentences to expand upon my work as an EMT in the 3rd paragraph, let me know if this is useless information or not. Thanks for all your help everyone! Again I'm going to do a full grammar and punctuation workup with the writing center at school. Character count is at 4,941. Here it is:


As I was sitting in the exam room, the orthopedic surgeon said “You have what we call the terrible triad. This injury combined with breaking the same leg less than 8 months ago, you probably won’t be the same athlete you were before”. I didn’t know how to respond. Everything I had worked so hard for was slipping out of my hands. Coming from a poor background, being raised by a single mother, and where not one of my family members attended college, football was my way out. I never thought of attending college for academics; football was all I ever wanted to do. The physician walked through what to expect, the procedure, and recovery. It didn’t matter what he said, I was too devastated to care. He briefly introduced me to his physician assistant (PA) and then left the room. I had no idea what a PA was; I thought he was just there to take notes. The PA stayed behind to give me some further information about pre-rehab and how to prepare for the surgery so I would have a full recovery. He could see the pain in my face, the tears welling up in my eyes. As impossible as it may have seemed to console a 17 year old kid, he took his best shot. “It’s going to be okay, nothing is ever for sure”. It was obvious he was equally concerned about my well-being as a person as he was my knee as a patient. Each visit thereafter was a great experience. He would talk to my mother and me about how things were going, ask me about my favorite sports teams, and compliment me on the hard work I was putting in at therapy. Impressively enough he remembered nearly everything we talked about which truly did help with my self-esteem.


Unfortunately it wasn’t long after surgery I isolated myself and eventually dropped out of high school. I was convinced I didn’t stand a chance in college academically. I relegated myself to working for a lawn mowing company, then a pizza shop, and finally a window installation company. I thought this is what I was set out to be: uneducated and working jobs that didn’t challenge me intellectually. I quickly grew tired of this work. Having a love for fitness, I obtained my personal training certification and was hired at a local gym. I was 23 at the time and I was training motivated and educated people: physicians and successful business people. While training, my clients asked me some interesting questions: Why are you still here? You’re way too smart to be training for the rest of your life, why don’t you go to college and grow yourself? I took all of this in stride as people just being nice to a young kid who came from nothing. They could see I was hungry for more than just training; I needed more growth personally and intellectually. The one who saw this the most was my fiancé. She could see how I was unfulfilled and desired more out of myself. One day she sat me down and said “I want you to be the best you can. I support you in everything you do and I think you need to go to college to find what you love”. This was a sacrifice for us being that we would be heading into marriage with one less income for years to come. After the birth of our child the sacrifices and challenges have grown, but we know the decision to get an education and pursue a profession career has been the best choice for me personally and our family.


After enrolling in classes, I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had developed an interest in medicine through my experiences as a trainer which gave me an appreciation for the resilience and intricacies of the human body. A friend recommended PA school and I remembered my experience with the PA at the orthopedic clinic. I went home to research all I could about the profession. I loved the autonomy, working with a team of healthcare professionals, the graduate school length, and the opportunity to work in many areas of medicine. Seeing that many schools require healthcare experience, I knew that becoming an EMT would be best for me. I enjoy thinking on my feet, making quick and informed decisions, and the scope of practice of an EMT. As an EMT, the amount of patient contact I have is high and diverse. Seeing various types of patients has allowed me to develop the skills to not only treat patients effectively but also to communicate with all levels of healthcare professionals. Even though my knee injury was over 12 years ago, every day I go to work and see patients I remember how I was treated by my PA. I put forth the effort to treat my patients with the same compassion, care, and respect as I received. I am lucky to be involved with many PAs at work and every one I have come in contact with has been patient, informative, and personable. The relationships I have built through working as an EMT with PAs increased my desire to become a PA. I believe my life and work experience plus my relationships with PAs has not only exposed me to the PA profession but has greatly prepared me for the challenge of becoming and practicing as a PA.

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I think this is hands-down the best draft! You did a good job of fitting in the part about your daughter more cohesively and I can't tell without going back to previous drafts what you changed exactly about the 3rd paragraph but I think it flows well and provides just the right information.


There are some random words that I personally would swap out, e.g. I would say "Since the birth" instead of "After" or if you leave "After" I would change "have grown" to "grew," but aside from really minor things like that, which are probably just personal preference, I'd say you're good to go once your take it to the writing center!


Good job and good luck with the rest of your application!

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