Need some outside critiquing

[tour9196]

I could read this over and over again and relate because, well, its me! But I need someones input to see if its boring, dull, okay, or what the hell did I just read? I've made about 3 different opening paragraphs but from reading every ones personal statement, starting out with a story seem to be a popular and grasping idea. Thanks in advance!

 

A night that made me question my career path started with an ambulance looking for the ambulance bay at the new hospital I worked at. As a security guard I quickly redirected them and watched a bleeding younger male being wheeled into the trauma bed. The trauma surgeon directed orders with careful attention to the surgical procedure then the curtain was pulled. This event, being one of many stories, was both inspiring and horrific which influenced me to look into health care. I volunteered and obtain my EMT to learn more about the profession and answer the question of whether this was the right career path. My EMT certification allowed me to apply to different medical jobs and become a volunteer with the ambulance service. After 6 months and 3 interviews I became a nursing assistant at Medical Center of the Rockies in the float pool. This is where most of my experience was obtained which includes getting involved with patient treatments while building on my basic skills as an EMT. This job was, and still is, fulfilling and engaging with the everyday challenge and accomplishment it brings. This I know this because I am happy. Meeting and helping people through tough times became second nature as I grew to become very proficient at comforting and helping these individuals. But on the flip side, things were also disturbing as I saw many policies and actions which could arguably be disagreed upon along with the low quality life people suffer. All this struck me as a challenging problem. But helping people even in the simplest tasks gives me gratification.

During this time I gained my 2nd bachelors in Biology as a full time student while working nights. Not only has this increase my knowledge in the basic biological sciences, but also has increased my interest and understanding to read scientific journals. My GPA, which wasn't satisfactory with my first bachelors (more of a hobby), has seen a sharp increase ever since my focus has been in health care. I also continue to take science classes to increase my knowledge.

What influence me to work at becoming a physician assistant was the PAs who I've shadowed and worked with. I knew what the PA profession was but their professionalism and dedication to their work was inspiring. Additionally it’s the little things that also push me toward this profession. For example, just as fun practice, I diagnosis a patient based on what I've learned and seen, and then compare my results with the doctor's notes. We then talk about that same diagnosis in class or in a journal which amplifies my knowledge becoming more interesting! These experiences combined embolden me and having worked besides and shadowed PAs, I have an understanding of the stress, autonomy, knowledge, and skill set a PA must have.

Additionally I have Type 1 diabetes which gives me a good understanding of what treatment is like every day. I also know that this is a field which is hard to find an endocrinologist as it is a shrinking profession and patient numbers are growing. This knowledge gives me another reason I want to become a PA: to extend the hand of the physician and help people using my experience and knowledge. Unfortunately that young man didn't survive but the experience taught me the reality and professionalism in health care. Since then I found purpose when I help an out of control patient become an individual who can then live and maintain a healthy life. I hope to take these experiences to build upon and help people through the PA profession.

[Bl0ndie7285]

Step 1: Work on your grammer.

Step 2: Be a bit more concise and direct.

For example, in the first sentence you say "a night," but you are saying that this even was what opened your eyes and changed your career path- a big event! Try something more like "The night."

[Bl0ndie7285]

Step 1: Work on your grammer.

Step 2: Be a bit more concise and direct.

For example, in the first sentence you say "a night," but you are saying that this even was what opened your eyes and changed your career path- a big event! Try something more like "The night."

[Bl0ndie7285]

Step 1: Work on your grammer.

Step 2: Be a bit more concise and direct.

For example, in the first sentence you say "a night," but you are saying that this even was what opened your eyes and changed your career path- a big event! Try something more like "The night."

[tour9196]

Sorry had to poke fun at you, "grammar".

 

Thanks for the feedback though! Its hard, for some reason, to get feedback on this site.

As far as grammar, I'm awful and sometimes I don't know what it exactly means because its such a broad term. I have trouble with comma placement because so many rules and exceptions but what I'll do is read each sentence and rewrite it in a more concise and direct way while working on grammar.

[tour9196]

Sorry had to poke fun at you, "grammar".

 

Thanks for the feedback though! Its hard, for some reason, to get feedback on this site.

As far as grammar, I'm awful and sometimes I don't know what it exactly means because its such a broad term. I have trouble with comma placement because so many rules and exceptions but what I'll do is read each sentence and rewrite it in a more concise and direct way while working on grammar.

[tour9196]

Sorry had to poke fun at you, "grammar".

 

Thanks for the feedback though! Its hard, for some reason, to get feedback on this site.

As far as grammar, I'm awful and sometimes I don't know what it exactly means because its such a broad term. I have trouble with comma placement because so many rules and exceptions but what I'll do is read each sentence and rewrite it in a more concise and direct way while working on grammar.

[nebula]

Yeah, your punctuation is a big area to work on with this. It really hinders my ability to understand the story, which is too bad because the content seems good. In terms of comma placement, try to think of putting them in where there might naturally be a pause in the sentence. For example:

 

"The trauma surgeon directed orders with careful attention to the surgical procedure then the curtain was pulled" looks like two sentences mashed together. To make it look better as a single sentence, you could edit to something like "The trauma surgeon directed the medical team, paying careful attention to the surgical procedure before pulling the curtain and cutting off my view of the scene." Or, you could end the sentence after "procedure" and start a new sentence with "Then."

 

[nebula]

Yeah, your punctuation is a big area to work on with this. It really hinders my ability to understand the story, which is too bad because the content seems good. In terms of comma placement, try to think of putting them in where there might naturally be a pause in the sentence. For example:

 

"The trauma surgeon directed orders with careful attention to the surgical procedure then the curtain was pulled" looks like two sentences mashed together. To make it look better as a single sentence, you could edit to something like "The trauma surgeon directed the medical team, paying careful attention to the surgical procedure before pulling the curtain and cutting off my view of the scene." Or, you could end the sentence after "procedure" and start a new sentence with "Then."