Pleeeeease critique!

[zerog]

It’s 2005 and I am playing doctor with my two older brothers. Coming from two parents that are in the medical field, this is our preferred method of play. Even from this small age, it was engrained into my mind that anyone of intelligence goes into the healthcare field.

I had come into college as a biology major with a pre-physician assistant emphasis simply because that’s what my parents told me to do. It wasn’t until I began struggling in my freshmen science classes that I began to question why I was doing this. Why did I want to struggle through years of science classes and a profession just because that is the path my parents paved for me? I switched my major to psychology because I had really enjoyed learning about the mind in high school. Sophomore year that mindset changed.

 

That winter, I went to Costa Rica and Nicaragua on a medical trip. Those two weeks changed my life to drastically I get goose bumps just thinking about them. In these foreign countries I realized how utterly thankful I am for the healthcare system I have grown up in. In Central America, individuals regarded our group of naïve undergraduates as the most world-renowned physicians, respecting our every word. Because of the extreme lack of any sort of healthcare policies, we were able to administer vaccinations and pap smears without any hesitancy. As well, I was able to make preliminary diagnoses after going through entire physical examinations by myself. A local doctor would then agree or disagree with our diagnoses and from there, we would together prescribe and treat. While much of the illnesses were specific to the Central American region, I learned so much about the process of healthcare. Here in a decrepit shack of an elementary school, I realized how vital it was for me to help people to the best of my abilities, to be generic. For me, helping individuals medically is so incredibly important. In Central America, basic healthcare is the difference between life and death.

 

Once I came home from this ‘vacation’, I had an entirely new outlook for helping individuals. I was hired to be a service representative at a facility for individuals with disabilities. Here I am able to plan recreational activities to therapeutically integrate the individual into their community. I care for individuals with an array of physical, mental, and intellectual disabilities. By doing so, I am able to support my desire for healthcare knowledge by learning about the disabilities as well as how to specifically care for them. I have also volunteered at a summer camp named Lose the Training Wheels working with children with autism one on one teaching them how to ride a two wheeled bike safely, independently, and confidently. This experience showed me just how big of an impact I could make on one’s life. In particular, there was one teenage girl that was scared to death of riding on any kind of bike. For the first few days, I spotted her riding around on a large tricycle. She was more than ready to hop on a two-wheeled bike, but her confidence wasn’t quite there yet. On nearly all of our breaks, she would find a thrill in trying to dump her water bottle on me, so I made her a promise- if she hopped on the bike with me being right next to her the entire time, I would let her dump her water bottle on me at the end of the week. Of course, immediately after these words came out of my mouth, she walked right over to the bike and positioned herself on it. This was one of the greatest experiences of my life, to see just how much I could effect someone’s future.

 

As well, upon returning to my university, I have been able to really push myself to the best of my abilities in my science courses because I truly want to become a physician assistant, rather than simply going through the motions of a science major. I have chosen the physician assistant path because of its versatility. I really enjoy after graduating from a physician assistant program, one does not have to immediately choose a specialty and go through residency; you are not ‘stuck’ in one specialty. I am choosing physician assistant over the nurse practitioner path because physician assistants are more apt to work in a hospital and operating room setting than nurse practitioners are. Also, if I were a physician assistant, I would get the opportunity to play a significant role in a team-like setting. I am willing to dedicate my life to being a physician assistant!

[Friction]

Overall I think its pretty good... There are a few wordings that I would change. For example, generic, which is: having no particularly distinctive quality or application. I might use something like authentic or genuine instead. Overall I think you make a good case with your personal stories, but I'm not an ADCOM so what do I know ;)

[KMD16]

I only read first few paragraph & your closing statement/last paragraph. I think you need a more stronger/appealing intro.

 

Why even discuss your parent? Your parents made you to.... You should speak for yourself as an individual/applicant.

 

You want to make a strong case why PA instead of NP or MD/DO? Shadowing experiences that lead to your decision to pursue PA career.

 

g/luck!

[RHC81]

I agree with KMD16. The part about playing doctor and your parents and all that is confusing and - forgive me - a little bit juvenile. It leaves the question in our minds: "Is he/she really doing this because it's expected in his/her family, or does he/she want this personally?" Don't even plant that question in our heads. You're applying for a professional program; your parents' opinions on your career are not a factor here anymore.

 

Remember, ADCOMs read hundreds of personal statements each year. You don't want to risk that they'll stop with the bit about your parents and skim the rest.

 

Think of it this way: you get this limited space to sell yourself to the ADCOM. Why should they pick you instead of the 10 other applicants for that spot? What is it that makes you unique? Why do you want this so badly? And how will your specific experiences enhance the programs to which you're applying? What do you bring to the table that they need?

[GaeaAM]

I agree with RHC81. I know a lot of people start their personal statements with "when I played doctor as a kid" type stories. It does not really make you stand out from the crowd. I would definitely focus on what makes you DIFFERENT from everyone else applying, and why they should pick you above all others.

Also grammatically I have some critiques. You should never use contractions in a professional submission like this e.g. "can't" or "don't." Additionally do not end sentences with prepositions!! You also use unusual words where common words would suffice- e.g. hesitancy instead of hesitation in the second paragraph. These are all what-not-to-dos in the book "Getting Into the Physician Assistant School of Your Choice." I highly recommend it! It helped me a lot!

 

Good luck!! :=D:

[zerog]

Thank you guys!! I thought it would be interesting to see how my parents forged a path for me but then show how I individually decided that path as well. But I can definitely see what you mean by not even wanting to place a seed of doubt in the ADCOM's mind from the beginning. I just really have no idea how to take that part out, I guess. I am all very new to the personal narrative business- this is only my first draft. But I didn't know there was actually a book, I'll have to check that out! Thank you!

 

I personally differed from y'all's opinions; I thought my intro was strong, but my last few paragraphs were really bland and didn't have any particular direction.

[Friction]

I'm not sure if you're currently enrolled in any classes, but it might be worth taking to the student writing center to get some input. Also, you might be able to rent that book at your local library. I've seen at the one I go to.

[zerog]

I'm not sure if you're currently enrolled in any classes, but it might be worth taking to the student writing center to get some input. Also, you might be able to rent that book at your local library. I've seen at the one I go to.

I didn't even think to take it to the writing center! Great idea. I just put the book on hold :)

[GaeaAM]

Good luck! The book is super helpful. I brought my personal statement to work at the hospital and had every nurse and PA who had time to read and edit my essay. It helped me think about word choice and conciseness.