Can anyone give me feedback?

[tamra626]

I have worked for a year on my Personal Statement, and I have like 5 different versions, to be honest, none of them really felt that strong. I have had people review them and edit them but something is missing.

Just to give you a little bit of a background on me I am a high school dropout but eventually received my diploma through a distance program. I tried going to community college but was mixed up in the wrong crowd of people and then became pregnant. I ended up not going to classes and have many F's and W's that hang over my head. I made the decision to return to school after my son was born and I really stepped it up. I have made all A's and B's at Guilford College and my GPA is a 3.76 at this institution. I have never tried to hide the fact that I wasn't a great student in the beginning but I really want this. I have always dreamed of going into medicine and health sciences but I have had quite a few setbacks in my life, including financial struggles. I applied to MUSC last year but I was rejected for not having enough clinical hours. I am trying to secure a job as a medical assistant for more patient hours but I do not have the funds to go and get more training as an EMT or CNA. I volunteer at a hospital, have had internships that provided me with patient care, and I have shadowed a PA in a primary healthcare setting. I feel well prepared for graduate school but need a strong essay to help me get an interview. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated...here is the PS below

 

Personal Statemenct (approximately 3500 characters)

 

My motivation and desire to become a Physician Assistant (PA) developed after deciding to return to college as an adult student. An ache to pursue a dream that I once thought was an impossible feat grew into something more. My focus in life became very clear after recognizing that the greatest gift I could give my child was to nurture myself. How could I tell my son to reach for his dreams if I did not set the example? I attended an information session at Guilford College and was motivated to make the next big step.

 

 

 

 

The academic years spent at Guilford have shaped my confidence in leadership and problem-solving. It has become a part of me as much as I have it. I eagerly soak up every chance to take part in campus events. I've joined many clubs, became a mentor, lead group discussions, and tutored my peers. I have involved myself in internships and volunteer work that gave me a great understanding of my chosen major. I am proud of my achievements but most of all, I feel empowered and inspired to continue.

 

 

 

 

I know a Physician Assistant Program will be strenuous and taxing to say the least. I'm a little scared; however, I am much more strong and determined. My husband and I are discussing the challenges and together are making the necessary preparations for me to be successful in graduate school. PA school will be rigorous but moreover, an exciting opportunity to grow, and I am ready for that journey.

 

 

 

 

Upon completion of my studies, I plan to work in a primary health care setting. I have a strong desire to educate and influence families, of all economic realities, to adopt healthier lifestyles. I've witnessed the detrimental effects of obesity and society's love affair with the convenience foods. My extended family is shackled in inactivity and poor eating habits. As a result, we are far too intimate with heart disease and diabetes. It doesn't have to be like this, no matter your financial status. Resources are available to everyone; some just need education and direction on how to utilize them. I feel extremely motivated to make a difference and to stem the epidemic crisis in our country of obesity related illnesses.

 

 

 

After working among several health care professionals, I have a strong understanding of the role a PA plays in our health system. PA's can be an effective liaison between the doctor and patient. They are sometimes the first point of contact and have the opportunity to build an influential rapport with the patient. It is my primary goal to deliver outstanding care with compassion, empathy, knowledge, careful consideration and professionalism. I am fully aware there is a severe need in medically under-served communities; I know I can make a difference.

 

 

 

 

Although, my younger years were tumultuous and my first attempt at a higher education was a train wreck I won't let those miss-steps halt my hard work. I will wear them proudly, like a battle scar. Humble, yet earnest, I will overcome those in an interview. My intent is clear and unwavering. Life is what you make of it and my past has only made me a stronger person. I have built closer relationships with friends and family, learned how to forgive myself and others, taken responsibility for my faults, found my inner beauty, and believed in myself even when others did not. I will never stop having faith in myself and intend to take every route possible to help me accomplish my dream of becoming a Physician Assistant.

[sullivke]

I am unlikely PA student on paper as well (you can check the Application Stats forum for my stats if you wish), so I know the importance of having a killer essay. Yours is lacking flow. It's a very choppy read and when an essay is choppy, admissions staff stop reading it at some point. You have such an interesting story--tell it! Why not start the essay with your troubled past (one/two sentences max) and then mention how the birth of your child turned it all around for you. Mention that 3.76 GPA--what an accomplishment! You address a tumultuous past at the end of your essay, but never give the reader an intro on what was tumultuous about the past. Everyone wants to cheer on the underdog. Once you have a powerful intro, work on why you want to be a PA. Does your motivation stem from your family's battle with obesity? Do you have a healthcare related story where a PA comforted a family member after a diabetes dx and that's when you "knew" you wanted to become a PA? (this story could also serve as the intro and then move to your past from there.) You do not need to begin the essay with "My motivation to become a PA is..." My advice is to start with the passion from your last paragraph and move forward from there. I also noted some grammatical errors and sentences that didn't make sense, I have my suggestions in the document attached. GOOD LUCK!

 

PA essay help.doc

[Just Steve]

I liked the line about "My focus in life became very clear..." and I liked your second to last paragraph. The vast majority of the other writings didn't speak much about you, your experiences, why YOU will make a unique, effective, powerful, influential PA. I would bet that you have an amazing story, one that is not commonly found. You have pulled yourself up from a situation that is typically inescapable. That is highly commendable...share that story, tell us what motivated you, where you found your strength, and how you're going to take that strength and empower your patients to improve their own lives.

[tamra626]

Thank you for reading this and giving me feedback. I will review it and edit it asap! I know that I have needed to put more of My personal story in the essay! I will post it when I have finished. I have a couple more versions that provided examples of my life but I cut it out because it was so long and thought it was more important to address the fact that I knew the role of a PA more than my past. I can see now what you mean and how important that angle is.