PERSONAL STATEMENT NEEDS CRITIQUING ASAP, still ~500 characters over

[camp1989]

Adopted from Bucaramanga, a little city in Colombia, at two months old into a loving family that anxiously awaited my arrival, made me very appreciative early on of the opportunity in life I was given. I was my parents only child, their pride and joy, and wanted nothing more than to make them happy and proud of fulfilling what would eventually be my dreams to become a physician’s assistant.

 

My decision to become a physician’s assistant did not arise from childhood aspirations, but as a result of a variety of experiences I encountered in my life. With my father passing at the age of four, my mother unexpectedly took on the role of a single parent and unknowingly, my inspiration and role model. My mother instilled in me values, such as compassion and respect for others, stressing the importance of giving back to the community. She also emphasized the idea of reaching high, and following your dreams; she herself had always dreamed of becoming a nurse, but at that time and in her upbringing such ambitions were not supported. She paved the way for what became my passion for medicine by first exposing me to volunteer work and its immense satisfaction, and supporting my strong interest in the sciences.

 

Although not far from home, dorming at Rutgers as an out-of-state student had removed me from my once protected environment; and from this I experienced tremendous growth. Early on in my college career, I lacked the discipline and time management skills necessary to excel as I had previously in school. Coinciding with this digression in school was the life altering news that my mother was diagnosed with MDS. She would have to receive treatments at Sloan Kettering every other week and its progression into Leukemia was something we would have to possibly prepare for. Distressed with my mother’s health, being ill prepared for the rigors of a college curriculum, coupled with efforts to keep my dream alive, initially interfered with my academic work. Yet, despite my struggle, the continuous effort put forth allowed me to mature, grow, and strengthen my drive to do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams.

 

Intrigued by anatomy and physiology in high school, but it was at college where I became truly inspired by my brilliant professors in the sciences. My initial faltering in the general science courses had momentarily shaken my academic self-confidence, but never deterred me away from my fascination in the sciences; It was then during my sophomore winter break, that I decided to major in nutrition. For I had loved to read health magazines when I was growing up and it appealed to me that it effectively intertwined with medicine, and in fact was much more closely related than I had previously thought. My coursework gave me an excellent background in independent research such as low-bone density risks posed to lactose-intolerant populations and analytical thinking with endocrine disorder based scenarios. I had partaken in multiple group projects where many consensus decisions were made, much like that of a P.A. and his/her team. Labs such as microbiology, allowed for me to see and perform tests and see the importance of their validity and results.

 

As I progressed in school, my interests in the people-oriented aspects of medicine became much more prevalent. This interest in people was manifested in many of my extracurricular activities; where a central theme was helping people with cancer. Personally I’ve known and lost both friends and family to this disease, so to be able to empathize with those going through the same rollercoaster of emotions was something I sincerely wanted to do. During my experience with Colleges Against Cancer and Adopt-A-Family, I gained profound insight into the healing relationship between patient and P.A. While I participated in these two organizations, I would make visits to RWJ and CHOP to visit a 3-year-old boy named Logan who was diagnosed with Leukemia. The first time I entered his room, I initially felt overwhelmed with emotion seeing an innocent frail young boy with such a debilitating disease. However, as soon as I walked in I soon realized, faces of both Logan and his family that had previously appeared withdrawn, began to glow, as a reaction to the company I was providing. At that moment, I realized how even a brief visit could have such a powerful effect and serve almost as a healing medicine, that temporarily, could transform people, into a vibrant, healthful state. Knowing that I had made a difference the in the lives of a few individuals was very rewarding. I then took on multiple positions in the organizations executive boards that allowed me to become much more involved and undoubtedly confirmed my dreams to enter the P.A. profession to help others.

 

Goals are a means to an end, not the ultimate purpose of our lives. Solely completing a P.A. program by itself will never make me happy in the long term; but it’s who I will become, as I overcome all obstacles necessary to achieve my dream, and that will give me the deepest, and most long-lasting sense of fulfillment. I know, that when I’m granted the acceptance into your P.A. program I will do everything and anything I can to ultimately become the best P.A. I can be; and it’s that by-product of happiness that I’ll receive that I know I’ve chosen the right career that makes me feel fulfilled.

[Just Steve]

First paragraph can be removed and the last paragraph can be seriously pared down to make your 500 character reduction.

[camp1989]

I changed my final paragraph as well as editing changes but am still 24 characters over. This is my current final paragraph.

 

Happiness is a by-product of doing what makes us feel fulfilled. I know, that when granted the acceptance into your program I will do everything and anything I can to ultimately become the best P.A. I can be. Becoming a P.A. will not only make me feel fulfilled but it will allow to me fulfill and help the lives of others.

[Just Steve]

That revised paragraph reads like am inspirational/motivational/pleading catch phrase that tells the reader nothing unique about you. It melts into this stew of "I am going to be the best and save the world" just like everyone else begging to get into school. What I am trying to say is your closing paragraph, the last thing the reader is left with, sounds like it could cut and pasted on anyone's essay. Nothing stands out, nothing says wow. Keep in mind that the person who reads it has also read several hundred others. Don't let your story get lost in the blur.

[camp1989]

Appreciate the input Steve! I'm going to try and make my last paragraph stand out and somehow possibly incorporate what was mentioned in my first paragraph. I just figured being adopted is something unique about myself that will allow me to stand out from the rest since I'm sure many other people have lost loved ones to a disease or currently have a loved one suffering etc.

[hdomingo]

Being Adopted from Bucaramanga, a little city in Colombia, at two months was an opportunity in life that I learned to appreciate early in life. As my parents' only child, their pride and joy, I want nothing more than to make them happy and proud by fulfilling my dreams to become a physician assistant. [PHYSICIAN ASSISTANT, not Physician's assistant)

**this first paragraph is very awkward. Not to be mean, but starting your essay by saying you were adopted is like a sob story nobody wants to hear. this has to come in at a later point or maybe even in your conclusion.

 

My decision to become a physician’s assistant did not arise from childhood aspirations, but as a result of a variety of experiences I encountered in my life. My father passed when I was four (your dad did not die at four), leaving my mother to unexpectedly take on the role of a single parent and unbeknownst to her, of my inspiration and role model. My mother instilled in me values such as compassion and respect for others, and stressed (parallelism) the importance of giving back to the community. She also taught me to aim high, and follow my dreams. [she herself had always dreamed of becoming a nurse, but at that time and in her upbringing such ambitions were not supported -- delete, this is about why you want to become a PA]. She paved the way for what became my passion for medicine by first exposing me to volunteer work and its immense satisfaction, and supporting my strong interest in the sciences.

 

Although not far from home, dorming at Rutgers as an out-of-state student had removed me from my once protected environment; and from this I experienced tremendous growth. Early on in my college career, I lacked the discipline and time management skills necessary to excel as I had previously in school. Coinciding with this digression in school was the life altering news that my mother was diagnosed with MDS myelodysplastic syndrome (what is MDS). She would have to receive treatments at Sloan Kettering every other week and its progression into Leukemia was something we would have to possibly prepare for. Distress with my mother’s health and being ill prepared for the rigors of a college curriculum initially interfered with my academic work. (coupled with efforts to keep my dream alive--this is something positive, it doesn't follow that it would interfere with academics so remove). Yet, despite my struggle, the continuous effort to keep my dream alive allowed me to mature (grow - it is synonym of mature, remove) and strengthen my drive to do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams.

[hdomingo]

avoid lengthy, wordy, long-winded and convoluted sentences.

 

paragraph number 4 should be #3. paragraph number 3 should be #4

 

So

#1 who i am

#2 mom introduced me to science

#3 i love science in HS and college

#4 my mom was diagnosed with MDS

#5 i worked with cancer stuff and Logan

#6 Distress with my mother’s health and being ill prepared for the rigors of a college curriculum initially interfered with my academic work. (coupled with efforts to keep my dream alive--this is something positive, it doesn't follow that it would interfere with academics so remove). Yet, despite my struggle, the continuous effort to keep my dream alive allowed me to mature (grow - it is synonym of mature, remove) and strengthen my drive to do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams.

Say something like "all my life experiences and challenges prove that i am a survivor and awesome and fabulous and i will totally rock as a PA" -- not exactly like that but you get the idea

 

your paragraph number 6 should be why they NEED YOU, not why you need them. Definitely not "please I beg you take me please please"

[camp1989]

thanks hdomingo!

 

The grammar corrections and tips are greatly appreciated. I was worried the beginning paragraph might come off as a sob story which is definitely not what I'm trying to go for so thanks for the feedback about that. Like i previously mentioned in my other reply, I just think it's something about me that makes me unique and might be useful to mention at some point in my essay. I'll definitely try fixing up my final paragraph as you and others have said and I like the way you rearranged my essay which I'm also going to try out. :)

[camp1989]

question: for the sake of character limits & also assuming the readers of my essay know what MDS is (especially with it being publicized now with Wendy Williams) and that RWJ and CHOP are two well known hospitals, is it necessary for me to write out their full names? I don't want to come off ignorant but yet I also think that the readers are knowledgable people and would know what I'm talking about.

[camp1989]

HERES MY CURRENT EDITED/CLOSE TO FINAL DRAFT

 

My decision to become a physician’s assistant did not come in a moment of blinding revelation, but as a result of a variety of experiences I encountered in my life. With my father passing when I was only four, my mother was left unexpectedly to take on the role of a single parent and unbeknownst to her, my inspiration and role model. My mother instilled in me values, such as compassion and respect for others, and stressed the importance of giving back to the community. She always taught me to aim high, and follow your dreams. She paved the way for what became my passion for medicine by first exposing me to volunteer work and its immense satisfaction, and supporting my strong interest in the sciences.

 

Intrigued by anatomy and physiology in high school, but it was at college where I became truly captivated by my brilliant professors in the sciences. My initial faltering in science courses had momentarily shaken my academic self-confidence, but never deterred me away from my fascination in the sciences; it was then during my sophomore winter break, that I decided to major in nutrition. For I had loved to read health magazines growing up and it appealed to me that it effectively intertwined with medicine, and in fact was much more closely related than previously thought. My coursework gave me an excellent background in independent research such as low-bone density risks posed to lactose-intolerant populations and analytical thinking with endocrine disorder based scenarios. I had partaken in multiple group projects where many consensus decisions were made, much like that of a P.A. and his/her team. Labs such as microbiology, allowed for me to see and perform tests and see the importance of their validity and results.

 

Although not far from home, dorming at Rutgers as an out-of-state student had removed me from my once protected environment; and from this, my college has tempered me into a strong individual. Early on in my college career, I lacked the discipline and time management skills necessary to excel as I had previously in school. Coinciding with this digression in school was the life altering news that my mother was diagnosed with MDS. She would have to receive treatments at Sloan Kettering every other week and its progression into Leukemia was something we would have to possibly prepare for. Distressed with my mother’s health and being ill prepared for the rigors of a college curriculum initially interfered with my academic work. Yet, despite my struggle, the continuous effort to keep my dream alive allowed me to mature and strengthen my determination to do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams.

 

As I progressed in school, my interests in the people-oriented aspects of medicine became much more prevalent. This interest in people was manifested in many of my extracurricular activities; where a central theme was helping people with cancer. Personally having lost loved ones to this disease, being able to empathize with those going through the same rollercoaster of emotions was something I sincerely wanted to do. In my experience with Colleges Against Cancer and Adopt-A-Family, I was able to gain profound insight and participate in the healing relationship between patient and P.A. During my involvement with these two organizations, I spent time with a 3-year-old boy named Logan who was diagnosed with Leukemia. The first time I visited him at RWJ, I initially felt overwhelmed with emotion seeing an innocent frail young boy with such a debilitating disease. However, the faces of both Logan and his family that had previously appeared withdrawn, began to glow, as a reaction to the company I was providing. At that moment, I realized how even a brief visit could have such a powerful effect and serve almost as a healing medicine, that temporarily, could transform people, into a vibrant, healthful state. Knowing that I had made a difference the in the lives of a few individuals was very rewarding. This experience pushed me to take on multiple roles in the organizations executive boards that furthered my involvement and undoubtedly confirmed that the path of a P.A. was the right profession for me.

 

Who I will become, as I overcome all obstacles necessary to achieve my dream, will give me the deepest, and most long-lasting sense of fulfillment. Being adopted at two months old from Bucaramanga, Colombia, has made me very appreciative of the opportunity in life I was given. When I’m granted acceptance into your P.A. program I plan to take full advantage of this opportunity and will do everything and anything necessary to ultimately become the best physician assistant I can be.

[camp1989]

FINAL STATEMENT SUBMITTED, relief. thoughts and comments??

 

My decision to become a physician assistant did not come in a moment of blinding revelation, but as a result of a variety of experiences I encountered in my life. With my father passing when I was only four, my mother was left unexpectedly to take on the role of a single parent and unbeknownst to her, my inspiration and role model. My mother instilled in me values, such as compassion and respect for others, and stressed the importance of giving back to the community. She always taught me to aim high, and follow your dreams. She paved the way for what became my passion for medicine by first exposing me to volunteer work and its immense satisfaction, and supporting my strong interest in the sciences.

I was intrigued by anatomy and physiology in high school, but it wasn’t until college that my brilliant professors truly captivated my attention in the sciences. My initial faltering in science courses had momentarily shaken my academic self-confidence, but never deterred me away from my fascination; it was then during my sophomore winter break, that I decided to major in nutrition. I had always loved reading health magazines growing up and it appealed to me that it effectively intertwined much more closely with medicine than previously thought. My coursework gave me an excellent background in independent research such as low-bone density risks posed to lactose-intolerant populations and analytical thinking with endocrine disorder based scenarios. I had partaken in multiple group projects where many consensus decisions were made, much like that of a physician assistant and his/her team. Labs such as microbiology, allowed me to see and perform tests while gaining an understanding for the importance of their validity and results.

Although not far from home, dorming at Rutgers as an out-of-state student had removed me from my once protected environment; and from this, my college has tempered me into a strong individual. Early on in my college career, I lacked the discipline and time management skills necessary to excel as I had previously in school. Coinciding with this digression in school was the life altering news that my mother was diagnosed with Myelodysplastic Syndrome. She would have to receive treatments at Sloan Kettering every other week and its progression into Leukemia was something we would have to possibly prepare for. Distressed with my mother’s health and being ill prepared for the rigors of a college curriculum initially interfered with my academic work. Yet, despite my struggle, the continuous effort to keep my dream alive allowed me to mature and strengthen my determination to succeed at becoming a physician assistant.

As I progressed in school, my interests in the people-oriented aspects of medicine became much more prevalent. This interest in people was manifested in many of my extracurricular activities; where a central theme was helping people with cancer. Personally having lost loved ones to this disease, being able to empathize with those going through the same rollercoaster of emotions was something I sincerely wanted to do. In my experience with Colleges Against Cancer and Adopt-A-Family, I was able to gain profound insight and participate in the healing relationship between patient and physician assistant. During my involvement with these two organizations, I spent time with a 3-year-old boy named Logan who was diagnosed with Leukemia. The first time I visited him at Robert Wood Johnson I initially felt overwhelmed with emotion seeing an innocent frail young boy with such a debilitating disease. However, the faces of both Logan and his family that previously appeared withdrawn had begun to glow as a reaction to the company I was providing. At that moment, I realized how even a brief visit could have such a powerful effect and serve almost as a healing medicine that, temporarily, could transform people into a vibrant, healthful state. Knowing that I had made a difference in the lives of a few individuals was very rewarding. This experience pushed me to take on multiple roles in the organizational executive boards that furthered my involvement and undoubtedly confirmed that the path of a physician assistant was the right profession for me.

Who I will become, as I conquer all obstacles necessary to achieve my dream will give me the deepest, most long-lasting sense of fulfillment. Looking back on my journey, from the moment I was adopted at two months old from Bucaramanga, Colombia I’ve been blessed with many opportunities to succeed. Knowing how far I have come has only made me more determined to be all that I know I can be and demonstrate all that I have to offer as a student in your physician assistant program.