Help with Rough Draft - Thanks!!

[LucidEyes]

Please help me with my rough draft. I feel like I have a good beginning and end but I know the middle needs some work on the wording. Should I include an explaination of my work in delivering meals to elderly, working with mentally handicapped or working in an oncology clinic where I drew blood and performed bleeding times for patients? I didn't do these things for a really long time (over 6 months) but they are a part of my past which helped shape my motivations. Although I included these experiences in the CASPA application, I can't make my essay too long so I left it out. Here it is:

 

While many essays may state that they have a passion for the medical industry and science, I believe my goal to become a Physician Assistant (PA) is more than just passion. It is an industry that I have had both the educational and workforce background to handle, while still maintaining the love and commitment to helping others as I had from day one. I have extended these skills from not only the hospital but as well to those who serve our country, as a commissioned officer in the United States Army. I do these things not only for the passion and not just for the recognition from both myself and my peers, but for the people I impact and help along the way.

 

In 2006, I was first introduced to the profession of a PA when I had an unfortunate car wreck that put myself in the hospital. I was seen first by a PA and I was able to observe her interactions with other patients. I thought how wonderful and meaningful her job was, to be able to affect so many lives, while maintaining a fast pace. She was also able to educate and help each patient very effectively. This was my first exposure to witnessing a PA in action. Her broad knowledge and understanding of people and the human body was inspiring. I decided then that this was a career I would pursue. I then had the opportunity to shadow various PAs at our local military medical hospital in internal medicine and cardiology. Seeing how PAs can be utilized in diverse settings further solidified my pursuit in becoming a PA.

 

I was always an inquisitive child and till this day I strive to learn all the details of patient conditions before making a judgment. It was from this curiosity that drove me to become fascinated with the human body at a young age. First, I began my medical education by attending Health Careers High School in San Antonio, Texas. Upon graduation I worked part time as a Veterinary Technician where I gained hands on experience in many diverse medical procedures. While the patients were not human, their owners cared about their animals as if they were children. This gave me my first experiences with helping others and was very fulfilling. During this time, I also attended college at University of Texas in Health Sciences and earned a degree in Clinical Lab Science which gave me a strong scientific background in medical diagnostics.

 

After graduation I have worked in various sections of the lab as a generalist in different hospitals, clinics, and systems. Giving a diverse background on how several teams and systems operated. In 2010, I began working in a specialty hematology section called flow cytometry. In this department I assist on bone marrow collection procedures and have the opportunity to follow the progress of each patient and learn about their medical conditions. I have expanded my knowledge in hematologic and oncologic disorders while being able to assist the physician, PA, or nurse practitioner in performing these procedures which are important in monitoring their progress. This has strengthened my love and admiration for the work that is done through our facility to specifically help oncology patients. I love the beneficial information the testing I perform gives, but I really want to make more of an impact in people's lives. In addition, I have joined the US Army Reserves as a Clinical Lab Officer, something I have had a desire to do for a long time. I feel proud and fulfilled to serve a purpose as a soldier helping fellow soldiers and my country. It would only bring me greater pride to one day serve as a PA in the US military as well as in the cities of our country.

 

Though passion is crucial in any profession, I believe my wish to become a PA is far greater than this word. It is the combination of the pride I will gain within myself and my peers. Also, it is the duty I feel to my country as I serve in a fuller capacity as a PA in the United States Army. But most of all it is the admiration and thankfulness of those I assist as patients, working in a team to help cure illness and heal wounds in our community. It is a culmination of all these things in why I seek to become a Physician Assistant.

[LucidEyes]

Okay, in case anyone may still be reading/listening... I have worked on the essay and this is what I have as a final draft. Almost ready to submit.

 

 

While many people may state that they have a passion for the medical industry and science, I believe my goal to become a physician assistant is more than just passion. It is a profession for which I have both the educational and work experience to handle, while still maintaining the love and commitment to helping others as I have had from day one. To this I have added skills from not only the hospital setting but also from those who serve our country, as a commissioned officer in the United States Army. I do these things not only for personal passion but for the people I impact and help along the way.

 

In 2006, I was recuperating from a major car accident when I met for the first time a physician assistant and was able to observe her interactions with other patients. I thought how wonderful and meaningful her job was, to be able to affect so many lives, while maintaining a fast pace. She was also able to educate and help each patient very effectively. Since this was the first time I had ever seen a physician assistant in action I was deeply impressed by her knowledge and understanding of people and the human body. I decided then that I wanted to become a physician assistant. Later, I had the opportunity to shadow various physician assistants at our local military medical hospital in internal medicine and cardiology. Seeing how effective physician assistants can be in these diverse settings furthered my desire to become a physician assistant.

 

I was always an inquisitive child and from this curiosity I became fascinated with the human body at a young age. I started my medical education by attending Health Careers High School in San Antonio, Texas. Upon graduation I worked part time as a Veterinary Technician where I gained hands on experience in many medical procedures. This provided me my first experiences with helping others and was very fulfilling. So to continue in my desire, I attended college at the University of Texas Health Science Center earning a degree in Clinical Lab Science providing a strong scientific background in medical diagnostics.

 

After graduation I have worked in a variety of areas in the lab as a generalist in different hospitals and clinics where I gained a diverse background on how teams and systems operated. In 2010, I began working in a specialty hematology section called flow cytometry giving me the opportunity to assist with bone marrow collection procedures and follow the progress of each patient while learning about their medical conditions. Since, I have been able to expand my knowledge in hematologic and oncologic disorders while being able to assist the physician, physician assistant, or nurse practitioner in performing these procedures which are important in monitoring their progress. My experiences have strengthened my love and admiration for the work being done through our facility to help oncology patients. I love helping by means of the tests and the beneficial information they give, but I really want to do more to impact the people I help. To this end, I have joined the US Army Reserves as a Clinical Lab Officer, another dream of mine. I feel proud and fulfilled to serve as a soldier helping fellow soldiers and my country. I would feel an even greater pride to one day do both and serve as a physician assistant in the United States Army Reserves.

 

Though passion is crucial in any profession, I believe my wish to become a physician assistant is far greater than this. It is the combination of the pride I will gain within myself, and from my peers, but also the duty I feel to my community and country. Thus, I would love the opportunity to pursue the career of a physician assistant as a way of achieving my highest goal in life: to serve.

[Just Steve]

I have learned this about you...

 

1. You have "more than a passion" for the medical industry and sciences.

2. You are/were a commissioned officer in the Army

3. You learned about PA in 2006 after being hurt in an accident

4. You did some shadowing

5. You did some vet tech training at a younger age

6. You became a lab tech after working with animals

7. Your focus in the lab is big on flow cytometry

8. You enjoy being in the Reserves

9. You like to serve

 

Is this all you would like me to know about you? Do I know too much? Do I know too little?

 

Other than the part about meeting a PA in 2006, I don't see anything in here that can't be accomplished with inserting any other number of medical career names. Everyone is passionate, everyone has met a PA, everyone has done some shadowing. Lots of medical experience out there. Your letter focuses on your time as a vet assistant (no human patient contact) then you focus on your time in the lab doing lab stuff, but not really mentioning much about dealing with patients face to face. You describe roles where you are the assistant to someone else. While assistant is in the name of physician assistant, the role is much more independent and much more focused on patient/provider interaction. Perhaps you could re focus your PS to highlight some leadership roles you filled as an officer, or perhaps if you spent any time talking to patients

 

You spend a lot of time talking of how you have more than just passion... one could surmise perhaps you are alluding to an advocation or calling...I don't think the PS is the place to talk about how you have passion about things or how this job is THE one for you. It is the place to demonstrate what you have done to advance yourself in the path of becoming a PA. If you met your first PA in 2006 and are just now applying to the school, my question is "what have you been doing for the past 6 years?"

 

In the end though, you have medical experience. You have a commission in the military. Barring any really huge gaffs in your LOR or application, I seriously doubt you'll be lacking for interviews. My opinion is that you should re write your PS but it may be just a stylistic difference and you'll do fine regardless.

 

Good luck