Please critique my personal statement

[BridgetJameson]

Observation and intuition is crucial. August 14, 2011 was a hot, humid day. We were celebrating my brother’s fiftieth birthday on Lake Quinsigamond in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts. My parents had driven down from Maine the night before. That morning I contemplated not going, but felt that this was a family event I couldn’t miss.

 

Around 3pm I realized I hadn’t had a chance to talk to my dad much, so I joined him on the couch. I noticed that he was sitting up, leaning his elbow on one knee. “Dad are you feeling okay?”

 

“No, I’m having trouble breathing. More than usual.”

 

I asked if he had his inhaler or oxygen with him, but he hadn’t brought it. Suddenly, he ran for the bathroom. I knocked on the door, asking if he was okay. “Get your mother,” he said.

 

We went in. He was sweating. He’d vomited. I called 911. Only one of us could go in the ambulance. My mother and brothers were in shock. I jumped in. At the hospital, the doctor and nurses took turns doing CPR. I stood by his head, began caressing his face and felt how cold he was. Not sure if enough oxygen was getting to his brain for him to process my voice or my presence, I still whispered to him that I was there and he was going to be okay. He needed to relax. I love him. We all do. I felt the tension in his face release and a calmness come over him. I thanked him for everything he’d done for me and for being the best man I’ve ever known. I looked up at the doctor and said, “Please, I know you’re only trying to keep him till the rest of the family gets here, but please. I know this is it.” The doctor agreed and gave it one more try. They called it at 4pm.

 

My mother came in about five minutes later. She rushed over to him and told him to stop scaring her. I had to tell her he was gone. My brothers then came in, shock and terror on their faces. Two of them had to look away. I found lubricating jelly next to the crash cart and removed his wedding ring. My mother asked me to hold onto it. The boys escorted my mom and I began making the calls: comforting our family and friends as they tried to deal with the news.

 

I suspect that Cor Pulmonale caused the myocardial infarction. He suffered from COPD, Emphysema, high blood pressure and diabetes. If only we’d had oxygen that day. If only was further along in my education, maybe, things would have turned out differently. One thing I knew for sure was that I wasn’t ready to give up becoming a Physician Assistant. I learned that I have the strength, courage and resilience to carry on for the patient and the family. I was able to cast my emotions aside and be the calm that my father needed to go in peace and the rock that my family needed when they weren’t ready to accept his passing.

 

That year I lost seven family members and friends. Amidst all of this loss and sorrow I managed to maintain my composure at work and at school. My grades never suffered. I was able to let those emotions have their place and time and separate what I was learning from my personal tragedies.

 

The journey to becoming a Physician Assistant began when I worked with people with mental and physical disabilities. Caring for others came naturally as well as deciphering patient problems despite communication barriers.

 

Due to the need for a better paying job, I accepted a job working as a veterinary assistant where I was able to assist with surgery, wellness visits and emergencies. Being exposed to various surgical and medical procedures, I gained the confidence that I could handle this type of work.

 

Both occupational experiences, working with people who had difficulty communicating their symptoms and animals who can’t tell us where it hurts, I learned the importance of observation, asking the right questions and the sequence of diagnostics. With enthusiasm to learn more, I began taking courses at SMCC and did so well in Bio I that my teacher recommended I consider graduate school.

 

I found that Physician Assistant was in line with my personality and goals. I enjoy working as a team and value the opinions and observations of others. I have no intentions to be the Dr. House, although I do have an incessant need to thoroughly look at all angles, which I believe will help to diagnose and treat patients effectively. My goal is to make keen observations and listen to intuitions based on education. From working as an ER technician I know that there is much value in listening to the observations of the C.N.A.s and M.A.s as we are the frontline of the team. Thus, every member of the team is essential to the utmost patient care.

 

My undergrad degree pursuit had no meaning behind it. I was merely earning a degree to satisfy my parents. If I’d had it my way I would have moved to LA at 18 and pursued acting. Emerson was my dream school, but it was too expensive. I settled on Framingham state with my parents consent. I worked all through college and therefore didn’t even have time to pursue theater productions after school. If you don’t care about what you’re doing, there is nothing to be ambitious about.

 

Once I began my science courses, ten years later, at SMCC I excelled. To know the material inside and out was crucial because one day someone’s life may depend on it. This path has meaning behind it and gave me the ambition and drive to succeed. It has certainly been a feat raising my gpa, but my grades have proven that I can thrive as a student in this field.

[jen0508]

its really long....i stopped reading half way through because it was so long (just being honest). i think the introduction reads well, but needs shortening...you need to get to the point sooner. the intro should be a parapraph long, maybe two at the longest. otherwise, the only mistakes i noticed was that i dont think cor pulmonale and emphysema need to be capitolized. i may be wrong, so look into it. i also notice that some paragraphs look very short, like 1-2 sentences long. i believe the definition of a paragraph is like 4 sentences. should combine some.

 

ok i just skipped to the end and saw this paragraph: "My undergrad degree pursuit had no meaning behind it. I was merely earning a degree to satisfy my parents. If I’d had it my way I would have moved to LA at 18 and pursued acting. Emerson was my dream school, but it was too expensive. I settled on Framingham state with my parents consent. I worked all through college and therefore didn’t even have time to pursue theater productions after school. If you don’t care about what you’re doing, there is nothing to be ambitious about." first off, this paragraph adds NOTHING to your personal statement. it says nothing about WHY YOU WANT TO BE A PA and WHY YOU WANT TO ATTEND PA SCHOOL, which is what the personal statement is for. it sounds like you are making excuses for your undergrad degree and that is not necessary and the paragraph comes off as whining. if you want to excuse bad grades in the past, do that with a sentence or two. secondly, you are writing a personal statement for PA school and saying that if you had things your way, when you were 18 you would have pursued acting, etc. what the?? take this whole paragraph out.

 

also, you need a conclusion paragraph. You go from talking about raising your gpa to ending the personal statement in the same sentence. every personal statement needs a closing paragraph to tie everything together and summarize it. you want your personal statement to be remembered by that last paragraph. you dont want to end on a note that you used to have a crappy gpa but raised it (nothing wrong with that) but just dont end like that.

 

back when i was applying, the word and character limit was 5000. try to stay around this number, no one wants to read a personal statement that goes on and on and on. Just by taking that paragraph i mentioned out and shortening your long intro, you will save a lot of words and make it more readable.

 

this is a great start, but needs some work. remember the personal statement should not be freehand writing. it should still follow basic essay structure (intro, body with a few points, conclusion that summarizes intro and the points in the body, etc). good luck! PM me your revised version if you want.

[BridgetJameson]

Awesome!! Thank you so much!! Back to revisions! :) And yes I would love to PM you with a new draft. Thanks again.

[jen0508]

your very welcome :)