Revised draft.. would appreciate your critique!

[balsam88]

I revised my first draft. I was hesitant at first but decided to talk about my personal experience growing up in war. I tried very hard to cut down on other content, but it is still slightly longer than what it should be. If anything doesn't make sense or needs re-wording/elimination please let me know, sometimes it's hard to convey the message you want to deliver when English is not your first language :=-0:

 

 

Growing up in a war is a difficult experience for every child. I was born and grew up in Iraq, in the midst of two wars that left serious impact on the country’s economy and healthcare system. I witnessed people suffering from lack of medical care and physicians working with limited medical supplies, resources and medications. I remember when relatives outside the country where sending medications to my grandmother who suffered from heart disease, because those medications weren’t available. My mother gave birth to my little brother under the sound of bombings. The hospital in which she gave birth had minimal resources and medical staff and she was sent home immediately after delivery. Many hospitals had to close, making access to medical care even more difficult. At 12 years of age, I immigrated with my family to Canada through the United Nations. The painful war memories I carried with me to my new home aspired me for a career in the sciences and medicine and to provide care to the medically underserved population.

I decided to pursue my post-secondary education in medical laboratory science as it combined my interest in laboratory work and medical knowledge. I joined a rigorous 4 year concurrent program at University of Windsor and St. Clair College. With a busy class schedule and a tutoring job at the college, I was able to maintain good grades and make it on the honour roll. During the last year of the program I wanted to have a better understanding of medical practice. I got the opportunity to shadow a specialist, Dr. Shawki and was offered to work with him at his clinic doing basic tasks such as taking patient history, weight and blood pressure.

After completing the national certification exam, I was hired at Hotel-Dieu Grace hospital as a medical laboratory technologist (MLT) in chemistry, hematology and transfusion medicine. My favourite part of the job was performing phlebotomy during morning rounds. This is where I got to enjoy interacting with patients in different medical areas such as ER, ICU, orthopedics and internal medicine. Through work, I improved on my problem-solving and communication skills. I developed mutual trust and respect with patients, physicians, nurses and other healthcare professionals. My efforts and dedication in providing the best quality service were demonstrated in a recognition I received in the hospital’s newsletter. The OR staff wrote in recognition of my professionalism and the hard work I put through while assisting them in resuscitation efforts of a critical patient that required massive transfusions.

I also worked at Detroit Receiving Hospital’s ER stat lab as a second job. Being a level-one trauma hospital, I adapted to working under high levels of stress. My work has also given me the opportunity to attend several educational and medical conferences that discuss different medical issues and the latest on new technologies and treatment methods. In addition, I am in the process of developing leadership and educational skills in my recent assignment as the chemistry instructor, where I will be responsible to help MLT student interns learn the necessary skills in the chemistry department and carry out their practical evaluations.

When I heard about the physician assistant profession the first time, I didn’t have much knowledge about it, since it is relatively a new field in Canada. I did a lot of research online, talked to PAs at work and observed their interaction with patients. Having to decide between the MD and PA route, I finally reached a decision that a PA career is more suitable for my life goals. The length of schooling played an important factor in my decision, as I am willing to start a family soon with the least amount of school debt and a stable career that offers greater flexibility. Also as a PA, I can spend more time with patients and enjoy working in a team environment.

I believe that my strong academic background, dedication, compassion, skills and medical knowledge I acquired from my work experience will help me succeed in the program. My childhood war memories developed my passion and desire to help the sick, especially those with limited access to medical care.

[balsam88]

I revised my first draft. I was hesitant at first but decided to talk about my personal experience growing up in war. I tried very hard to cut down on other content, but it is still slightly longer than what it should be. If anything doesn't make sense or needs re-wording/elimination please let me know, sometimes it's hard to convey the message you want to deliver when English is not your first language :=-0:

 

 

Growing up in a war is a difficult experience for every child. I was born and grew up in Iraq, in the midst of two wars that left serious impact on the country’s economy and healthcare system. I witnessed people suffering from lack of medical care and physicians working with limited medical supplies, resources and medications. I remember when relatives outside the country where sending medications to my grandmother who suffered from heart disease, because those medications weren’t available. My mother gave birth to my little brother under the sound of bombings. The hospital in which she gave birth had minimal resources and medical staff and she was sent home immediately after delivery. Many hospitals had to close, making access to medical care even more difficult. At 12 years of age, I immigrated with my family to Canada through the United Nations. The painful war memories I carried with me to my new home aspired me for a career in the sciences and medicine and to provide care to the medically underserved population.

I decided to pursue my post-secondary education in medical laboratory science as it combined my interest in laboratory work and medical knowledge. I joined a rigorous 4 year concurrent program at University of Windsor and St. Clair College. With a busy class schedule and a tutoring job at the college, I was able to maintain good grades and make it on the honour roll. During the last year of the program I wanted to have a better understanding of medical practice. I got the opportunity to shadow a specialist, Dr. Shawki and was offered to work with him at his clinic doing basic tasks such as taking patient history, weight and blood pressure.

After completing the national certification exam, I was hired at Hotel-Dieu Grace hospital as a medical laboratory technologist (MLT) in chemistry, hematology and transfusion medicine. My favourite part of the job was performing phlebotomy during morning rounds. This is where I got to enjoy interacting with patients in different medical areas such as ER, ICU, orthopedics and internal medicine. Through work, I improved on my problem-solving and communication skills. I developed mutual trust and respect with patients, physicians, nurses and other healthcare professionals. My efforts and dedication in providing the best quality service were demonstrated in a recognition I received in the hospital’s newsletter. The OR staff wrote in recognition of my professionalism and the hard work I put through while assisting them in resuscitation efforts of a critical patient that required massive transfusions.

I also worked at Detroit Receiving Hospital’s ER stat lab as a second job. Being a level-one trauma hospital, I adapted to working under high levels of stress. My work has also given me the opportunity to attend several educational and medical conferences that discuss different medical issues and the latest on new technologies and treatment methods. In addition, I am in the process of developing leadership and educational skills in my recent assignment as the chemistry instructor, where I will be responsible to help MLT student interns learn the necessary skills in the chemistry department and carry out their practical evaluations.

When I heard about the physician assistant profession the first time, I didn’t have much knowledge about it, since it is relatively a new field in Canada. I did a lot of research online, talked to PAs at work and observed their interaction with patients. Having to decide between the MD and PA route, I finally reached a decision that a PA career is more suitable for my life goals. The length of schooling played an important factor in my decision, as I am willing to start a family soon with the least amount of school debt and a stable career that offers greater flexibility. Also as a PA, I can spend more time with patients and enjoy working in a team environment.

I believe that my strong academic background, dedication, compassion, skills and medical knowledge I acquired from my work experience will help me succeed in the program. My childhood war memories developed my passion and desire to help the sick, especially those with limited access to medical care.

[balsam88]

I revised my first draft. I was hesitant at first but decided to talk about my personal experience growing up in war. I tried very hard to cut down on other content, but it is still slightly longer than what it should be. If anything doesn't make sense or needs re-wording/elimination please let me know, sometimes it's hard to convey the message you want to deliver when English is not your first language :=-0:

 

 

Growing up in a war is a difficult experience for every child. I was born and grew up in Iraq, in the midst of two wars that left serious impact on the country’s economy and healthcare system. I witnessed people suffering from lack of medical care and physicians working with limited medical supplies, resources and medications. I remember when relatives outside the country where sending medications to my grandmother who suffered from heart disease, because those medications weren’t available. My mother gave birth to my little brother under the sound of bombings. The hospital in which she gave birth had minimal resources and medical staff and she was sent home immediately after delivery. Many hospitals had to close, making access to medical care even more difficult. At 12 years of age, I immigrated with my family to Canada through the United Nations. The painful war memories I carried with me to my new home aspired me for a career in the sciences and medicine and to provide care to the medically underserved population.

I decided to pursue my post-secondary education in medical laboratory science as it combined my interest in laboratory work and medical knowledge. I joined a rigorous 4 year concurrent program at University of Windsor and St. Clair College. With a busy class schedule and a tutoring job at the college, I was able to maintain good grades and make it on the honour roll. During the last year of the program I wanted to have a better understanding of medical practice. I got the opportunity to shadow a specialist, Dr. Shawki and was offered to work with him at his clinic doing basic tasks such as taking patient history, weight and blood pressure.

After completing the national certification exam, I was hired at Hotel-Dieu Grace hospital as a medical laboratory technologist (MLT) in chemistry, hematology and transfusion medicine. My favourite part of the job was performing phlebotomy during morning rounds. This is where I got to enjoy interacting with patients in different medical areas such as ER, ICU, orthopedics and internal medicine. Through work, I improved on my problem-solving and communication skills. I developed mutual trust and respect with patients, physicians, nurses and other healthcare professionals. My efforts and dedication in providing the best quality service were demonstrated in a recognition I received in the hospital’s newsletter. The OR staff wrote in recognition of my professionalism and the hard work I put through while assisting them in resuscitation efforts of a critical patient that required massive transfusions.

I also worked at Detroit Receiving Hospital’s ER stat lab as a second job. Being a level-one trauma hospital, I adapted to working under high levels of stress. My work has also given me the opportunity to attend several educational and medical conferences that discuss different medical issues and the latest on new technologies and treatment methods. In addition, I am in the process of developing leadership and educational skills in my recent assignment as the chemistry instructor, where I will be responsible to help MLT student interns learn the necessary skills in the chemistry department and carry out their practical evaluations.

When I heard about the physician assistant profession the first time, I didn’t have much knowledge about it, since it is relatively a new field in Canada. I did a lot of research online, talked to PAs at work and observed their interaction with patients. Having to decide between the MD and PA route, I finally reached a decision that a PA career is more suitable for my life goals. The length of schooling played an important factor in my decision, as I am willing to start a family soon with the least amount of school debt and a stable career that offers greater flexibility. Also as a PA, I can spend more time with patients and enjoy working in a team environment.

I believe that my strong academic background, dedication, compassion, skills and medical knowledge I acquired from my work experience will help me succeed in the program. My childhood war memories developed my passion and desire to help the sick, especially those with limited access to medical care.

[Corpsman2PA]

I believe this is a wonderful PS. It its to the point...it highlights your accomplishments without being too wordy, and you tie it all back together at the end showing how your childhood influenced your life's path. Assuming your grades, hce, etc are competitive, I'd say you are a great candidate for the right program. Having been to Iraq myself, your experience is uplifting for me. I've been to a lot of countries and some of the nicest people I've met were in Iraq. My heart broke over many of the great people there that seemed to have no hope for a better future.

 

Only a few minor things that stick out to me. 1) Some of the words you use have an extra "U" that we normally don't use in American english..."honor roll" vs. "honour roll" --again, thats just the American version, not sure how it is in Canada. "Favorite" vs. "Favourite" is another. Again, just the American vs. Canadian/British English stuff.

 

The last sentence in the second to last paragraph, "Also as a PA, I can spend more time with patients and enjoy working in a team environment." I like the team environment part, but its going to be hit or miss if you get to spend more time with patients or not. To me that is a common misconception, as many PAs are just as busy as the doctors are. Its a very small point, but is just one of the things I usually point out and may not make a difference in the grand scheme of your PS.

 

Lastly, the last sentence in the first paragraph, "The painful war memories I carried with me to my new home aspired me for a career in the sciences and medicine and to provide care to the medically underserved population." I would substitute "aspired" with another word. It just doesn't flow/fit well there. "The painful war memories I carried with me to my new home inspired me to pursue a career in the sciences...." OR "sparked a desire in me to pursue a career in the sciences..." You get the idea.

Otherwise, great job. I think you knocked it out of the park. It was all about you, and makes me want to meet you. That's a good thing when vying for an interview invite!

[Corpsman2PA]

I believe this is a wonderful PS. It its to the point...it highlights your accomplishments without being too wordy, and you tie it all back together at the end showing how your childhood influenced your life's path. Assuming your grades, hce, etc are competitive, I'd say you are a great candidate for the right program. Having been to Iraq myself, your experience is uplifting for me. I've been to a lot of countries and some of the nicest people I've met were in Iraq. My heart broke over many of the great people there that seemed to have no hope for a better future.

 

Only a few minor things that stick out to me. 1) Some of the words you use have an extra "U" that we normally don't use in American english..."honor roll" vs. "honour roll" --again, thats just the American version, not sure how it is in Canada. "Favorite" vs. "Favourite" is another. Again, just the American vs. Canadian/British English stuff.

 

The last sentence in the second to last paragraph, "Also as a PA, I can spend more time with patients and enjoy working in a team environment." I like the team environment part, but its going to be hit or miss if you get to spend more time with patients or not. To me that is a common misconception, as many PAs are just as busy as the doctors are. Its a very small point, but is just one of the things I usually point out and may not make a difference in the grand scheme of your PS.

 

Lastly, the last sentence in the first paragraph, "The painful war memories I carried with me to my new home aspired me for a career in the sciences and medicine and to provide care to the medically underserved population." I would substitute "aspired" with another word. It just doesn't flow/fit well there. "The painful war memories I carried with me to my new home inspired me to pursue a career in the sciences...." OR "sparked a desire in me to pursue a career in the sciences..." You get the idea.

Otherwise, great job. I think you knocked it out of the park. It was all about you, and makes me want to meet you. That's a good thing when vying for an interview invite!

[Corpsman2PA]

I believe this is a wonderful PS. It its to the point...it highlights your accomplishments without being too wordy, and you tie it all back together at the end showing how your childhood influenced your life's path. Assuming your grades, hce, etc are competitive, I'd say you are a great candidate for the right program. Having been to Iraq myself, your experience is uplifting for me. I've been to a lot of countries and some of the nicest people I've met were in Iraq. My heart broke over many of the great people there that seemed to have no hope for a better future.

 

Only a few minor things that stick out to me. 1) Some of the words you use have an extra "U" that we normally don't use in American english..."honor roll" vs. "honour roll" --again, thats just the American version, not sure how it is in Canada. "Favorite" vs. "Favourite" is another. Again, just the American vs. Canadian/British English stuff.

 

The last sentence in the second to last paragraph, "Also as a PA, I can spend more time with patients and enjoy working in a team environment." I like the team environment part, but its going to be hit or miss if you get to spend more time with patients or not. To me that is a common misconception, as many PAs are just as busy as the doctors are. Its a very small point, but is just one of the things I usually point out and may not make a difference in the grand scheme of your PS.

 

Lastly, the last sentence in the first paragraph, "The painful war memories I carried with me to my new home aspired me for a career in the sciences and medicine and to provide care to the medically underserved population." I would substitute "aspired" with another word. It just doesn't flow/fit well there. "The painful war memories I carried with me to my new home inspired me to pursue a career in the sciences...." OR "sparked a desire in me to pursue a career in the sciences..." You get the idea.

Otherwise, great job. I think you knocked it out of the park. It was all about you, and makes me want to meet you. That's a good thing when vying for an interview invite!

[beattie228]

I really enjoyed reading your personal statement. It was inspiring, and you have a very unique story to tell. My only piece of advice would be to remove any contractions you have used (i.e. write out 'do not' instead of don't). It seems frivolous, but I have read in a few different composition books how contractions should not be used when writing a formal piece. Like Corpsman2pa said, your PS certainly achieved the goal of making me want to meet the author. Good luck!

[beattie228]

I really enjoyed reading your personal statement. It was inspiring, and you have a very unique story to tell. My only piece of advice would be to remove any contractions you have used (i.e. write out 'do not' instead of don't). It seems frivolous, but I have read in a few different composition books how contractions should not be used when writing a formal piece. Like Corpsman2pa said, your PS certainly achieved the goal of making me want to meet the author. Good luck!

[beattie228]

I really enjoyed reading your personal statement. It was inspiring, and you have a very unique story to tell. My only piece of advice would be to remove any contractions you have used (i.e. write out 'do not' instead of don't). It seems frivolous, but I have read in a few different composition books how contractions should not be used when writing a formal piece. Like Corpsman2pa said, your PS certainly achieved the goal of making me want to meet the author. Good luck!

[balsam88]

Corpsman and beattie, thanks so much for the feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to read my PS. I've put so much effort into this and glad that it turned out good. I will take your suggestions into consideration for the final polishing :)

[balsam88]

Corpsman and beattie, thanks so much for the feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to read my PS. I've put so much effort into this and glad that it turned out good. I will take your suggestions into consideration for the final polishing :)

[balsam88]

Corpsman and beattie, thanks so much for the feedback. I appreciate you taking the time to read my PS. I've put so much effort into this and glad that it turned out good. I will take your suggestions into consideration for the final polishing :)

[jmpetersen]

"When I heard about the physician assistant profession the first time, I didn’t have much knowledge about it, since it is relatively a new field in Canada."

 

I heard about it for the first time vs I didn't have much knowledge about it says the same thing twice. I would simplify and rephrase that sentence. Good work!