Ok Second draft please help

[agrimm24]

So I took Just Steve's advice and I am hoping to get some critique. Thank you!

 

One quote instigated my affair with medicine at the young age of 11; Gandhi said,”be the change you wish to see in the world.” The quest undertaken as a child has spanned two countries, two systems of education, and heartache. The anomalous physically abusive Trinidadian-Indian mother and fundamentalist Islamic father were simply the obstacles that taught me compassion for humanity. Spending half my life in a third world country, Trinidad, where going outside was forbidden has only made fight harder for educational freedom. Being told I was too stupid to study medicine from my parents only strengthened my resolve to live the American Dream and become a PA. Failure was never an option for me no matter what life threw at me because medicine has always been my destiny. Now I can elucidate why the winding path of my life will make me a great PA.

I moved out at 18 with nothing more than the clothes on my back to escape an abusive stepfather (who was sanctioned by my mother) thus I had no choice but to work in business in my earlier life. Starting as a basic Spanish-English server and trainer for IHOP I worked my way up into sales and management with companies such as Wachovia and GEICO. In 2007 my mother was the victim of a homicide and I went into a deep depression. We had not talked in years but at her grave I decided to forgive and pursue my dream of medicine once more. I realized that my life had a greater purpose because of what transpired and I vowed to become a practitioner. I completed a local adult class in Medical Assisting and was the only intern hired at Walk In Medical Care.

The daily clinical staff at WIMC consisted primarily of one physician and one medical assistant. It was under these extensive circumstances Dr. Barawy became my mentor. He saw my passion and encouraged me to become a PA. Since the inherent nature of practice was Urgent/Family Care I was exposed to all specialties and ages . My learning ability was uninhibited as he urged me to present cases as a PA student would and work up my own differential diagnosis. The variety in Urgent Care meant we could start the day with a pap smear and end with a laceration during a 15 hour shift but I loved it. I was able to triage my own patients, take X-rays, POCT, phlebotomy, mix and administer injections, order lab tests and numerous other things.

While this serves as my clinical foundation to being a PA something else was inspired; the realization of altruism. Charity does not solely represent monetary benevolence and the change in thinking started with me leaning more about how symptoms were manifested and utilizing it in my triage for self pays. Saving $40 on a Step test, that is not always effective anyways, may not seem like a lot but to patients who live paycheck to paycheck it was appreciated.

The next phase of clinical experience came when I moved to Austin, TX in 2009. I was hired into the Seton Family of Hospitals where I worked from 2009-2011 in various clinics such as Seton Institute for Reconstructive Plastic Surgery as a medical/clinical assistant. I attended college at both Texas State University and Austin Community College maintaining a 4.0, President’s Honor Roll, and membership to Phi Theta Kappa. My charity work continued in cases such as my CF patient in Dell Children’s for whom I helped raise $26,000.00 for a lung transplant.

Unfortunately circumstances changed in 2011 which tested my dedication. I went through a divorce, was the victim of Domestic Abuse from a “friend” who stole everything I ever owned, and was homeless. Eventually I was able to get counseling through Safe Place and a transfer to Texas Women’s University. The only thing that has kept me going was the desire to practice medicine and the knowledge that I will be more empathetic to my patients as a PA due to the challenges I faced. Now I live in Dallas, TX where I routinely volunteer with Buckner, Richardson Humane Society, and donate food to Kalachandji’s to support Meals on Wheels while I finish my BGS degree with a concentration on Women’s Studies.

Given the choice I would not change anything about my life because it has given me the humble opportunity to serve humanity. As a PA I will impact global health providing care to those who do not have access to healthcare using what I learned in my life. My hands-on experience as a medical assistant in multiple settings has given me the clinical foundation for success as a PA. Moreover, my unique life has given me the compassion to serve patients during times of malaise because I know what rock bottom and hopeless feel like firsthand. My desire is to be the PA who makes a difference and inspires the fight for survival in my patients with the hope of a better life. The PA profession is simply the license I need to be the change I wish to see in the world.

[RHC81]

Hey, AGrimm24. I read both of your drafts, and I actually like the first one better. :) I'm not sure why, as normally I favor a shorter narrative, but your story was so compelling that I raced through it. Some stories do justify longer space. I think I like the first better because I understand more of your personal situation with the longer story than with the edited version in the second draft. You gave detail - very personal details - but not so much that it was overbearing. Your story made me think, "Here is a person that understands suffering and difficulty. Rather than let herself be beaten by it, she has shown great courage in continuing to work toward her goals. PA school, as tough as it is, will not be the hardest thing she has had to face." Plus, you bring many extras in - you're at least bilingual, you grew up in a different country, you understand poverty, and you understand domestic abuse. The part with you crying over the patient with cancer will resonate with most healthcare professionals; I still remember the first code we lost in the ER - he was a walkie-talkie (nice, kind gentleman, too), then he was dead an hour later (aortic dissection). I cried over him as I performed postmortem care. Every healthcare professional I know has a patient like that who stuck with them. To me, it shows that you cared about your patient.

 

You sound like you will be a very compassionate healthcare provider.

 

Just my two cents. Best of luck to you!

[RHC81]

Hey, AGrimm24. I read both of your drafts, and I actually like the first one better. :) I'm not sure why, as normally I favor a shorter narrative, but your story was so compelling that I raced through it. Some stories do justify longer space. I think I like the first better because I understand more of your personal situation with the longer story than with the edited version in the second draft. You gave detail - very personal details - but not so much that it was overbearing. Your story made me think, "Here is a person that understands suffering and difficulty. Rather than let herself be beaten by it, she has shown great courage in continuing to work toward her goals. PA school, as tough as it is, will not be the hardest thing she has had to face." Plus, you bring many extras in - you're at least bilingual, you grew up in a different country, you understand poverty, and you understand domestic abuse. The part with you crying over the patient with cancer will resonate with most healthcare professionals; I still remember the first code we lost in the ER - he was a walkie-talkie (nice, kind gentleman, too), then he was dead an hour later (aortic dissection). I cried over him as I performed postmortem care. Every healthcare professional I know has a patient like that who stuck with them. To me, it shows that you cared about your patient.

 

You sound like you will be a very compassionate healthcare provider.

 

Just my two cents. Best of luck to you!

[RHC81]

Hey, AGrimm24. I read both of your drafts, and I actually like the first one better. :) I'm not sure why, as normally I favor a shorter narrative, but your story was so compelling that I raced through it. Some stories do justify longer space. I think I like the first better because I understand more of your personal situation with the longer story than with the edited version in the second draft. You gave detail - very personal details - but not so much that it was overbearing. Your story made me think, "Here is a person that understands suffering and difficulty. Rather than let herself be beaten by it, she has shown great courage in continuing to work toward her goals. PA school, as tough as it is, will not be the hardest thing she has had to face." Plus, you bring many extras in - you're at least bilingual, you grew up in a different country, you understand poverty, and you understand domestic abuse. The part with you crying over the patient with cancer will resonate with most healthcare professionals; I still remember the first code we lost in the ER - he was a walkie-talkie (nice, kind gentleman, too), then he was dead an hour later (aortic dissection). I cried over him as I performed postmortem care. Every healthcare professional I know has a patient like that who stuck with them. To me, it shows that you cared about your patient.

 

You sound like you will be a very compassionate healthcare provider.

 

Just my two cents. Best of luck to you!

[agrimm24]

Thanks for your critique. I am still in the process of trying to smooth it out and make it fit. If only there were no limit lol.......

I do agree your first patient who dies is often the one you remember in years to come. You sound like a great candidate as well having worked in the ER. My first plan was to become a PA and work in the ER now I am just trying to become a PA! The clinical setting will follow!

[agrimm24]

Thanks for your critique. I am still in the process of trying to smooth it out and make it fit. If only there were no limit lol.......

I do agree your first patient who dies is often the one you remember in years to come. You sound like a great candidate as well having worked in the ER. My first plan was to become a PA and work in the ER now I am just trying to become a PA! The clinical setting will follow!

[agrimm24]

Thanks for your critique. I am still in the process of trying to smooth it out and make it fit. If only there were no limit lol.......

I do agree your first patient who dies is often the one you remember in years to come. You sound like a great candidate as well having worked in the ER. My first plan was to become a PA and work in the ER now I am just trying to become a PA! The clinical setting will follow!

[Just Steve]

first patient who dies is often the one you remember in years to come.

 

Her name was Emily, she was four years old. It was 1991. I am still not over it. Keeps ya grounded.

[Just Steve]

first patient who dies is often the one you remember in years to come.

 

Her name was Emily, she was four years old. It was 1991. I am still not over it. Keeps ya grounded.

[Just Steve]

first patient who dies is often the one you remember in years to come.

 

Her name was Emily, she was four years old. It was 1991. I am still not over it. Keeps ya grounded.

[agrimm24]

I have to admit I am a sucker for JD on scrubs. One episode was when Dr. Cox was drinking and JD said what impressed him the most was that after 20 years of practicing medicine it still affected so much losing a patient.....That is the type of provider I always hoped to become.

[agrimm24]

I have to admit I am a sucker for JD on scrubs. One episode was when Dr. Cox was drinking and JD said what impressed him the most was that after 20 years of practicing medicine it still affected so much losing a patient.....That is the type of provider I always hoped to become.

[agrimm24]

I have to admit I am a sucker for JD on scrubs. One episode was when Dr. Cox was drinking and JD said what impressed him the most was that after 20 years of practicing medicine it still affected so much losing a patient.....That is the type of provider I always hoped to become.