Rough draft please help

[agrimm24]

Hello, I have been an avid reader of this forum for quite a while and I am applying to PA school. The advice I have received here has been invaluable and I am hoping to get help with my narrative. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

 

My affair with medicine began when I was 11. The desire that I feel has spanned two countries, two systems of education, and multiple heartaches. My parents divorced soon after I was born and I came to live with my mother in Baltimore, MD while my father stayed in Trinidad. During a visit to Dr. Blackwell-White, a pediatrician, my tears and my bruises did not go unnoticed. This was the first time in my life I knew the compassion of medicine. Social Services were contacted and my mother was tried. However the legal system does not always protect and she was cleared. Her boyfriend decided that I should be exiled back to Trinidad to live with my father. She literally took me there and gave custody to my father while keeping my residency papers. Medicine saved me from physical abuse but what followed was no better.

My father is a fundamentalist and even to this day does not miss a chance to tell me that I am wasting my time in school. Even though I ached to become a medical practitioner, this was not encouraged when I graduated. My stepmother said I had lived with them long enough and I should leave. I was engaged at 17 and when it ended due to no fault of my own, I was labeled as “used goods”. My father began entertaining marriage prospects from men as in their 40’s. At this time my mother said I could come back to live with her in Fairfax, VA and go to medical school. Long story short my father disowned me and I came back in 2002. Nothing would stop me from practicing medicine.

It should come as no surprise that my mother did not have great intentions. She allowed her husband freedom to do whatever he pleased and I subsequently moved out with nothing more than the clothes on my back. I tried to return to college only to be told by admissions my green card looked fake. So I entered the workforce. Starting as a bi-lingual trainer for IHOP I worked my way up into sales and management with companies such as Wachovia and Geico. In 2007 my mother was the victim of a homicide. We had not even talked in years but at her funeral I decided I needed to forgive and pursue my dream. I completed a local adult class in Medical Assisting and was the only intern hired in my class at personal site of Walk In Medical Care.

The time I spent at Walk in Medical Care is what brought me back to the realm of medicine and possibiliy. I worked closely with Dr. Barawy as the clinical staff on a given day consisted only of a doctor and medical assistant. He saw my passion and nurtured it like no one ever had before. I learned everything from vitals to pap smears to laceration repairs. He encouraged me to present cases as if I were already a medical student and to discuss treatments. My love for charity only grew when he taught me different ways to diagnose simple complaints without POCT. We went through the transition from paper to EMR and I was able to train others in the application. I was saddened to leave due to my husband’s job transfer in 2009 but I took this chance to return to college.

Once in Austin, TX I was hired into the Seton Family of Hospitals where I worked from 2009-2011 in various settings such as Seton Institute for Reconstructive Plastic Surgery to Williamson Medical/Surgical Ward to Dell Children’s. I attended college at both Texas State University and Austin Community College maintaining a 4.0, President’s Honor Roll, and membership to Phi Theta Kappa. My love for giving back also enabled me to volunteer for many causes. The dearest one to my heart is one of my CF patients who I helped raise $26,000.00 for a lung transplant through NTO.org. I realized medicine is not just about having the money or chemical treatments to give but also about having the time and heart.

However, I was not done being tested. In the past two years I have gone through a divorce, was the victim of Domestic Abuse from a coworker to whom I rented my house, and was homeless when said coworker changed locks. For almost a year I had to go through the Austin Police Department and legal system before I gained access to my house. Everything I ever owned in my life was stolen before they were officially evicted. Eventually I was able to get counseling through Safe Place and a transfer to Texas Women’s University. Now I live in Dallas, TX where I volunteer with Buckner and Richardson Human Society.

As I think about my life thus far all I know is the desire to serve humanity has only been strengthened by my life. I cried when my first patient died from metastacized breast cancer and pneumonia. I can still remember the nurse saying that was exactly why I needed to go into medicine, because I cared so much. Everything that I went through was simply the obstacle needed to make me a more compassionate PA. I represent my patients because I have lived in their shoes. Given the choice I would not change anything about my life because it has given me the humble opportunity to serve humanity. Nothing will stop this affair with medicine that began almost 20 years ago. Medicine is my destiny and my calling and I will not stop until I get there; as in the words of Frost I have, “miles to go before I sleep.”

 

Thank you!

[Just Steve]

Holy cow...what an amazing life story. It reads pretty "heavy" but also inspiring.

 

I am curious to know what you did specifically in plastics... office aid? Surgical tech?

 

I agree that it could be polished a bit, but not sure how. It's probably a mostly stylistic difference coupled with the fact that you are sharing some very personal information that a large percentage of us can't really relate to. It almost makes the reader squirm a bit in their seat. Part of me is "leave it all in...it's a personal statement and that stuff is SUPER personal" The other part of me is like "it's a bit much, overwhelming, maybe over the top". The trouble is, I don't know what I'd take out.

 

I wish I could help more but I think this one is out of my league...I wish you the best of luck. You deserve a chance, that's for sure.

[siskiyoufire]

Your not supposed to make us cry with these...

[siskiyoufire]

Your not supposed to make us cry with these...

[siskiyoufire]

Your not supposed to make us cry with these...

[Corpsman2PA]

I would say that everything up until you start to talk about your mother's death could be trimmed waaaay down. I mean 3-4 sentences tops. You can still convey your tough upbringing, but you want to leave a little for the adcoms to be intrigued about, and still have enough left to talk about. I felt that once you started talking about your work in healthcare, things started to take off. The details about the co-worker and the feud, etc...gets a little heavy and may bring negativity to your PS. I think you have a good start, and are definitely on the right track.

[Corpsman2PA]

I would say that everything up until you start to talk about your mother's death could be trimmed waaaay down. I mean 3-4 sentences tops. You can still convey your tough upbringing, but you want to leave a little for the adcoms to be intrigued about, and still have enough left to talk about. I felt that once you started talking about your work in healthcare, things started to take off. The details about the co-worker and the feud, etc...gets a little heavy and may bring negativity to your PS. I think you have a good start, and are definitely on the right track.

[Corpsman2PA]

I would say that everything up until you start to talk about your mother's death could be trimmed waaaay down. I mean 3-4 sentences tops. You can still convey your tough upbringing, but you want to leave a little for the adcoms to be intrigued about, and still have enough left to talk about. I felt that once you started talking about your work in healthcare, things started to take off. The details about the co-worker and the feud, etc...gets a little heavy and may bring negativity to your PS. I think you have a good start, and are definitely on the right track.