ok- second draft- please critique!

[LaBombera]

Ok, I've completed the re-write after L.A.Lewis' great comments on my first draft (thank you!). It still needs to be chopped by about 100 words- need advise on what to cut out.

Thanks for your time!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Sir Winston Churchill once said: “We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give.” The truth of these words often have been called upon during my most challenging times. In 2009 and 2010 the opportunities presented themselves to travel with a volunteer medical/dental team to Guatemala to participate in a medical relief project. There I underwent a transformation. Over 1000 patients from the rural villages visited our temporary clinic; many with chronic multiple ailments. The days were long and the temperatures sweltering but we never turned a patient away. The energy to continue working gets recharged from a deep place within our psyche where compassion resides. My initial tasks, in addition to translation, were to collect patient name, vitals and pass them on to the doctors; but as the clinic became more hectic with patients it was clear that I could do more. My EMT skills came out quickly to triage the patients and perform more in-depth initial assessments which increased our efficiency. The day the lead physician asked me “have you ever considered a career as a PA?” was the day that changed my life, and it was the beginning of a relentless quest towards the goal of becoming a physician assistant. Having now thoroughly explored the career, researched the school programs, completed the prerequisite classes, explored the employment options, and gained valuable knowledge from my PA job shadows it is clear to me that this is the career I desire for the rest of my life.

 

Being on duty at a fire station one never knows when the next call might come. Some nights are more difficult than others to jump out of bed at 2:00am, but adrenaline always kicks in on the way to the aid car. No matter what the time, date, weather condition, or level of weariness something happens immediately upon arriving at the patient: a surge of energy and a conviction takes over that says: “you will do everything you can to make this person’s worst nightmare better”. Of course not every call ends with a positive outcome, but each one teaches the value of life. CPR and trauma calls are often straight forward; we train our skills constantly. However, nothing is as truly challenging as the elderly woman complaining of multiple vague symptoms, or the panic attack of a schizophrenic suicidal teen, or the presumed intoxicated man about to be arrested until his blood glucose is checked revealing a diabetic emergency. These are the calls that put my best skills to test; these are the patients that receive my call the next day; these are the events that make me feel useful in this world. Patient care has always been the most intriguing aspect of being a part-time EMT/firefighter. As we enter people’s homes and quickly make assessments while providing comfort and reassurance is a special trust the public gives us that is inspirational; but so often I wish we could do more for our patients: more treatment options, more diagnostic tools, more pain control.

 

As an EMT our patient contact ends when we transfer care to the emergency room staff. Seldom do we get to satisfy our curiosity if we gave the right treatment for our patients, or if we missed anything, did they survive, and how are they now? As a PA these would be my patients to follow through in their care and guide towards their recovery and continued health maintenance. This sense of satisfaction has no comparison, and it is what motivates me to seek this new challenge into a career as a PA.

 

In addition to the part-time fire department duty, my fulltime career for the past 20 years has been working in the fisheries sciences. From a commercial salmon seiner on 65’ wooden boats to a federal fisheries science observer aboard large trawling vessels, and currently as a research biologist with NOAA one aspect runs common among all these jobs: teamwork. All coworkers are not as agreeable as others, but everyone’s lives depend on each other when on a boat; you quickly learn ways to get along and work together to accomplish the tasks. These skills are vital in all aspects of life, especially in high stress emotional environments such as a medical facility where many people need urgent care. All these experiences have focused my career path to choosing physician assisting which would offer all these challenges and more: the unique patients, the unexpected emergencies, the teamwork environment between the doctors, nurses, and other PAs all contributing together for the ultimate goal of health care for our communities.

[LaBombera]

Please make a few comments....I'd really like your opinion.

Thank you.

[fdamico1985]

I think it is fantastic! I have not yet gotten into PA school, this will be my second time applying but I will definitely tell you how it read to me... You kept my attention and had me thinking you have the passion, committment and knowledge to be an excellent PA until the last paragraph. It kind of fizzled out for me here. I know why you included it - it sums up how your fulltime work ties into your drive to become a PA and I think the lessons learned are pertinent, however since you need to cut some out I think you can shorten this paragraph to include the importance of teamwork and how you know what that is like by summing up your work as an EMT and as a commercial salmon seiner. Awesome awesome job - just rework this last paragraph and I think you're golden.

 

I also posted my PS earlier in the day to be reviewed if you'd like to give me some feedback as well...I am a reapplicant this cycle. :)

[LaBombera]

Good advice, thanks so much! I'll take a look at your PS right now.

[Just Steve]

So I read your PS and have learned that you are at least bilingual in spanish and english, are a "more senior" aka: at least somewhere around 40 so you have some solid life experience. You have a flair for writing in dramatic tones, and did some part time emt/firefighting...but I have no idea if you were a transporting EMT or just a first responder off of a fire apparatus, don't know if part time is a euphemism for volunteer, or what exact time frame did part time mean? Granted, I could flip through your application (assuming I'd have it in front of me) and pick through to find what I was looking for but personally, I am from the mindset of let the AdCom member get a quick, effective look at your life that they can digest quickly, aiding them to make the decision of interview or not to interview in a matter of minutes. I think that if an AdCom member has to read your PS, then set it down to flip through the rest of your essay to get some super basic details, they will place your package to the side for "later review" after they have reviewed all the others. You only get once to make a first impression. I for one, am not a fan of the "for later review" pile. I want to be in the "we gotta see this person in the flesh" pile.

 

I was a bit curt, perhaps rude when I went through your PS. You have my apologies but it's finals week next week, it's midnight, my brain is mush. I think it's the perfect mind to simulate the AdCom member who has been reading 700 PSs and has another 400 to go. You write with a flair that is wonderful to read but eats up so much very valuable character space. You have 20 years of critical life experience to convey to the AdCom that you DESERVE to be in class because of your rich history, not your rich literature. You can cut those hundred words EASILY and still have room to talk more about YOU instead of particular cases....especially as those cases you described are pretty routine in the grand scheme of things. I think life on a boat dealing with cranky old salts (fellow sailors) is far more interesting to write about than diabetics or suicidal teens. The AdComs know what EMTs deal with...they don't have to be reminded.

 

Good luck

 

Ok, I've completed the re-write after L.A.Lewis' great comments on my first draft (thank you!). It still needs to be chopped by about 100 words- need advise on what to cut out.

Thanks for your time!

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Sir Winston Churchill once said: “We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give.” The truth of these words often have been called upon during my most challenging times. In 2009 and 2010 the opportunities presented themselves to Fluff travel with a volunteer medical/dental team to Guatemala to participate in a medical relief project. There I underwent a transformation. fluff Over 1000 patients from the rural villages visited our temporary clinic; many with chronic multiple ailments. redundant...jungles of Guatemala has never been synonymous with adequate health care. Of course there will be chronic disease. The days were long and the temperatures sweltering but we never turned a patient away. The energy to continue working gets recharged from a deep place within our psyche where compassion resides. Fluff My initial tasks, in addition to translation, were to collect patient name, vitals and pass them on to the doctors; but as the clinic became more hectic with patients it was clear that I could do more. My EMT skills came out quickly to triage the patients and perform more in-depth initial assessments which increased our efficiency. The day the lead physician asked me “have you ever considered a career as a PA?” was the day that changed my life, and it was the beginning of a relentless quest towards the goal of becoming a physician assistant. Having now thoroughly explored the career, researched the school programs, completed the prerequisite classes, explored the employment options, and gained valuable knowledge from my PA job shadows it is clear to me that this is the career I desire for the rest of my life.

 

Being on duty at a fire station one never knows when the next call might come. Some nights are more difficult than others to jump out of bed at 2:00am, but adrenaline always kicks in on the way to the aid car. No matter what the time, date, weather condition, or level of weariness something happens immediately upon arriving at the patient: a surge of energy and a conviction takes over that says: “you will do everything you can to make this person’s worst nightmare better”. Of course reads like a melodramatic novel not every call ends with a positive outcome, but each one teaches the value of life. CPR and trauma calls are often straight forward; we train our skills constantly. However, nothing is as truly challenging as the elderly woman complaining of multiple vague symptoms, I would be hesitant to begin qualifying the nature of calls of what is "nothing as truly challenging as...." Any person with a history of medical experience has their own version of what is challenging and by listing your own, it sets you up for being grilled with questions like "how will you handle xyz...." or the panic attack of a schizophrenic suicidal teen, or the presumed intoxicated man about to be arrested until his blood glucose is checked revealing a diabetic emergency. These are the calls that put my best skills to test; these are the patients that receive my call the next day; these are the events that make me feel useful in this world. Patient care has always been the most intriguing aspect of being a part-time EMT/firefighter. As we enter people’s homes and quickly make assessments while providing comfort and reassurance is a special trust the public gives us that is inspirational; but so often I wish we could do more for our patients: more treatment options, more diagnostic tools, more pain control.

 

As an EMT our patient contact ends when we transfer care to the emergency room staff. Seldom do we get to satisfy our curiosity if we gave the right treatment for our patients, or if we missed anything, did they survive, and how are they now? As a PA these would be my patients to follow through in their care and guide towards their recovery and continued health maintenance. This sense of satisfaction has no comparison, and it is what motivates me to seek this new challenge into a career as a PA.

 

In addition to the part-time fire department duty, my fulltime career for the past 20 years has been working in the fisheries sciences. From a commercial salmon seiner on 65’ wooden boats to a federal fisheries science observer aboard large trawling vessels, and currently as a research biologist with NOAA one aspect runs common among all these jobs: teamwork. All coworkers are not as agreeable as others, but everyone’s lives depend on each other when on a boat; you quickly learn ways to get along and work together to accomplish the tasks. Excellent information.. this is good stuff...dives into true life experience/skills that not everyone has had the experience of These skills are vital in all aspects of life, especially in high stress emotional environments such as a medical facility where many people need urgent care. All these experiences have focused my career path to choosing physician assisting which would offer all these challenges and more: the unique patients, the unexpected emergencies, the teamwork environment between the doctors, nurses, and other PAs all contributing together for the ultimate goal of health care for our communities.

[LaBombera]

Thank you Steve. Will work on it.

[RHC81]

Hi, LaBombera. I want to start with a disclaimer: I have not been accepted to PA school, but I have spent 10+ years as a journalist. So, take my advice for what it's worth. :=D:

 

I wanted to reiterate what JustSteve said. You want to write thinking about your audience. Of the hundreds of personal statements read by AdComms, I'd bet that more than half of them have a flair for the dramatic. In your statement, I feel like you've done what journalists call "burying the lead." In other words, you've buried at the middle and end what should be the beginning.

 

Forgive me here, for I'm going to be frank. I would bet good money that AdComms see lots of personal statements from people who went on mission/relief trips to Third-World countries or who have spent time in EMS. That's pretty de rigueur in this field, it seems. There's nothing wrong with that, but you have another, more interesting, story. Who spends 20 years on boats, trusting their lives to others? Hook the reader with this part of your story. Make him/her sit up and go, "Huh! This is different!" I'd even be so bold as to suggest you lead with it. Smack them out of their "dramatic personal statement" coma with something totally fresh. And tie it in to what you want to do in the future. You regularly work as a team with a variety of people; equate that to the team approach to modern medicine. You trust your life to these folks; you'll be trusting your fellow medical teammates for many things. Then, go on into your work in Guatemala and as an EMT/firefighter. It rounds out your story, but the really interesting part, the part that is going to set you apart from the sea of other applicants (no pun intended), is your daily job. If I were an AdComm member, I'd say, "Yeah, I wanna meet this person. I want to hear his/her story."

 

That's just my two cents. But I yield to opinions of those who are current PA students or PAs. Best of luck to you!!

 

Edited to add: One final thought. There are programs that pride themselves on the diversity of their PA classes. You know, the nice lines of "The entering class of 20-whatever represents 30 states and five countries. They have backgrounds in the military, in research, and in academics. Two have served with the Peace Corps, and three are published authors." Show your "diverseness" to the AdComm. I would think it would only help you stand out from the crowd.

[LaBombera]

Great advice. Exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you so much!