dbunch7 Posted June 24, 2019 Share Posted June 24, 2019 Hi all! This is my first time applying and I would love any feedback you have to offer on my personal statement! I read some that seem so amazing and so different from mine that I am worried I am off track completely. I was 16 the first time I felt insignificant. I was in a village in Belize called Los Tambos on a trip I had been waiting 3 years to go on. The trip involved hosting Bible school, building a library, and handing out food and school supplies. Surrounded by the beautiful rainforests and people of Belize, all I could see was the overwhelming need. I met children who had never been shown how to brush their teeth or wash their hands. I met kids whose parents had died in their 30s and 40s due to mild injuries and treatable health conditions. Though I was thrilled to be there spending time in the community, all I could think about was what more we should be doing. It was clear that there were needs much bigger than a month’s supply of rice. This trip lit a fire in me. I knew that I wanted to have a career in medicine from that week forward. Once I came to this realization, my mind began to spin. No one close to me worked in medicine, and I had no clue where to start. When I was graduating high school and applying to undergraduate schools, I selected “Nursing” from the drop-down list of possible majors because it felt the most medically related. When I got accepted to The University of Tennessee’s nursing program I decided that was meant to be. I completed the nursing prerequisites, did Clinic Vols with local school nurses, and tried to learn as much about nursing as I could. As much as I looked up to all of the amazing nurses I met, something didn’t feel right. I felt like I was on the right track, but the more I learned the more I felt like nursing was not the career for me. In early 2017, I called an old friend who I knew worked in the emergency room. I learned that he was a physician assistant and got it set up to shadow him for a shift in the ER. On this 12 hour shift, my eyes were opened to not only the immense need for medical care in my own community, but the impact a good PA could make. I had heard the term, but prior to this, I didn’t fully understand what a PA was. The more I learned about the PA profession, the more excited I got. I felt like I had finally found what I was supposed to do. In a whirlwind, I changed my major from nursing to neuroscience, completed my prerequisites for PA school, started volunteering at an Alzheimer's clinic, and got a job that has turned my life upside down. I began working as a scribe in the emergency room. Over the past year and a half working in the emergency room, I feel that I have learned even more than I did in my four years of college. This job taught me so much about the medical world and patient care. I have spent 40 hours a week following ER physicians as they see and treat patients. I have become increasingly aware of the overwhelming need for better access to medical resources in my own back yard. I have realized that while international missions are exciting, there are so many people in East Tennessee who don’t have adequate access to medical care. I have realized that I don’t have to go to a foreign country to provide health care to people in need. I am constantly exposed to patients from all walks of life. I love the variety that can be seen within a single shift. I love the teamwork I see every day by all types of medical professionals. More than anything, I love the impact I see on my community every day. Though I am not blind to the challenges of a career in medicine, I am encouraged daily to continue my journey by the physicians, nurses, PAs, and patients I meet. While working and completing prerequisites, I was met with academic challenges I had never faced before. Throughout high school and my years finishing the nursing prerequisites, I had floated by with minimal studying. The first semester taking 18 credit hours of upper level science courses, I knew I had a lot to learn about how to study. In the beginning of this transition time, I felt overwhelmed by the new academic challenges. Over my final semester, I was able to develop better ways of studying that worked for me. I felt that throughout the four years I spent at the University of Tennessee, I learned so much more than academics. I learned how to prioritize my studies while also making enough money to pay rent and buy groceries. Even more importantly, I learned how important it is to have a strong support system. The more I learn about medicine, the more sure I am that this is the career path for me. I have met so many amazing PAs who work all over the hospital, and the impact they have on the care of patients is incredible. Though it is likely I will always have some interest in international missions, my focus has shifted to East Tennessee. Though the need for improved access to health care is overwhelming, I am committed to doing my part to fix it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie55 Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 Hello. I’ve read your PS 2x. Your first PP is good. The next 2 PP seem like you could combine them. There are a lot of details that are not needed. Your last PP is a little weak. I would try to highlight yourself better. Your general writing style is fairly casual. I would try to rework some sentences and choose different words for a more sophisticated and polished flavor of writing. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbunch7 Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 18 minutes ago, Janie55 said: Hello. I’ve read your PS 2x. Your first PP is good. The next 2 PP seem like you could combine them. There are a lot of details that are not needed. Your last PP is a little weak. I would try to highlight yourself better. Your general writing style is fairly casual. I would try to rework some sentences and choose different words for a more sophisticated and polished flavor of writing. Thank you so much for the feedback, I really appreciate it! I definitely feel like I got off track by the last paragraph. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rfo1234 Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Hello! Just some quick feedback: Overall, I think you started off with an interesting story about your trip to Belize. However, as Janie55 has mentioned, it reads very casual and even conversational. It sounds as though your telling someone over coffee how you got into the PA profession. You use the word "love" a lot in the fourth paragraph. Try to different words so it doesn't sound so repetitive. There are many places where you can say the same thing but more condensed. This would allow you to add more about who you are, your background and what exactly solidified your desire to be a PA. Don't forget to tell a story. It seems like you gave a timeline from Belize to now without much substance. Your statement lacks a personal experience with a patient. Did you have one? I would choose at most 2 important occurrences that has led you to choose PA and expand on that. Why was that a pivotal moment? What about it made you realize you wanted to be a PA? Why not MD or NP ? These are all things you need to clarify to the reader. Your second paragraph doesn't say much and all it tells us is you randomly chose nursing. I would scrap that entirely. Each paragraph has to give the reader a clear reason why PA. It reads a bit like " I went to Belize" then "I chose nursing" "then " I didn't like nursing" then " Shadowed a PA" then " I want to work with under served patients in Tennessee". You can still serve those people as an NP, DO, MD so why PA? That is the question you want to answer! Just my two cents! Best of luck in your app! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NewPAS2019 Posted June 29, 2019 Share Posted June 29, 2019 Hello! Few pointers: 1. How did the Belize trip made you realize that medicine was what you wanted to do? You mentioned that there is a need to help underserved communities, but there are other ways out there other than medicine to help them, so why medicine? 2. What skills have you learned from your experiences that will make you a better PA and a PA student? (You mentioned about a support system). 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbunch7 Posted July 4, 2019 Author Share Posted July 4, 2019 On 6/27/2019 at 10:20 AM, rfo1234 said: Hello! Just some quick feedback: Overall, I think you started off with an interesting story about your trip to Belize. However, as Janie55 has mentioned, it reads very casual and even conversational. It sounds as though your telling someone over coffee how you got into the PA profession. You use the word "love" a lot in the fourth paragraph. Try to different words so it doesn't sound so repetitive. There are many places where you can say the same thing but more condensed. This would allow you to add more about who you are, your background and what exactly solidified your desire to be a PA. Don't forget to tell a story. It seems like you gave a timeline from Belize to now without much substance. Your statement lacks a personal experience with a patient. Did you have one? I would choose at most 2 important occurrences that has led you to choose PA and expand on that. Why was that a pivotal moment? What about it made you realize you wanted to be a PA? Why not MD or NP ? These are all things you need to clarify to the reader. Your second paragraph doesn't say much and all it tells us is you randomly chose nursing. I would scrap that entirely. Each paragraph has to give the reader a clear reason why PA. It reads a bit like " I went to Belize" then "I chose nursing" "then " I didn't like nursing" then " Shadowed a PA" then " I want to work with under served patients in Tennessee". You can still serve those people as an NP, DO, MD so why PA? That is the question you want to answer! Just my two cents! Best of luck in your app! Okay, so everything you said makes complete sense. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and give feedback! I tried to refine and then add back in substance to this draft. I would be SO thankful if you would read it and provide additional feedback! I significantly shortened the paragraph about nursing, but I didn't feel like I could scrap is completely, as the first 2 years on my transcript are nursing related. I tried to make it less conversational, but honestly I don't feel like a strong writer at all and I don't know if that aspect improved much. I was 16 the first time I felt insignificant. I was in a village in Belize called Los Tambos on a trip I had been waiting 3 years to go on. The trip involved hosting Bible school, building a library, and handing out food and school supplies. Surrounded by the beautiful rain forests and people of Belize, all I could see was the overwhelming need. On my first day there, I met Carlos, an incredibly outgoing 5 year old. He casually told me he lives with his aunt since his father died in a motorcycle crash and his mother died of “sugar.” I learned later in the week that his mother Maria was only 32 when she died of complications from diabetes. The closest doctor was miles away and much too expensive for her to afford. This broke my heart. I had recently lost my dad in a car accident, and I could never have imagined losing my mother as well. While I was thrilled to be spending time in the community, it was clear that there were needs much bigger than a month’s supply of rice in Los Tambos, Belize. It was not until this week that I realized the implications of not having access to healthcare. I had grown up with parents who worked extremely hard to give me what I needed. I, naively, had never considered the people in the world who did not have the ability to go to the doctor when they needed one. This trip lit a fire in me, and I knew that I was meant to get involved in helping people live longer and better lives. Once I came to this realization, my mind began to spin. No one close to me worked in medicine, and I had no clue where to start. I began college with nursing prerequisites, did Clinic Vols with local school nurses, and tried to learn as much about medicine as I could. During my first 2 years of college, the only conclusion I came to was that nursing was not the career for me. Though I never doubted the fact that I wanted a career in medicine, I longed to learn more about biology and anatomy than the nursing prerequisites offered. In early 2017, I called an old friend who worked in the emergency room. I learned that he was a physician assistant and got it set up to shadow him for a shift in the ER. Immediately upon walking into the emergency room, I knew I was in a whole new world. Each patient we saw that day was exciting to me, but one in particular stood out. There was a woman in her 30s who had came to the emergency room in an attempt to get help for diabetes. She had recently lost her insurance, and she had found no doctor willing to see her. When I looked at this young woman, I saw Carlos’ mom. I listened intently as the PA patiently sat down with this woman and explained her options to her. I watched as this woman shifted from anxious about her health to hopeful as he provided her with resources. Out of all of the exciting things I saw throughout this shift, it was this “simple” interaction that made the biggest impact on me. In that moment, I saw myself being the kind of advocate and educator that he was for this woman. In a whirlwind, I changed my major from nursing to neuroscience, completed my prerequisites, started volunteering at an Alzheimer's clinic, and got a job working as a scribe in the emergency room. While working and completing prerequisites, I was met with academic challenges I had never faced before. Throughout high school and my years finishing the nursing prerequisites, I had floated by with minimal studying. The first semester taking 18 credit hours of upper level science courses, I knew I had a lot to learn about how to study. In the beginning of this transition time, I felt overwhelmed by the new academic challenges. Over my final semester, I was able to develop better ways of studying that worked for me. These academic challenges made me a better student. They have taught me not only how to study effectively, but how important it is to rely on a solid support system of family, friends, and classmates. Throughout my time in the emergency room, I am constantly reminded of why I became interested in medicine in the first place. Within a week of starting, I knew I had left my sheltered life for good. Every day I go to work a new need in the community is revealed to me. While I have learned so much about practicing medicine in general, what sticks out to me more than anything is the extent of the drug problem in East Tennessee, the lack of mental health resources, and the desperation people without access to medical treatment people live in. Over time, my desire to be an advocate for these patients has only increased. I want to be a PA because I want to be able to assist these patients to the best of my ability. I think about my friends in Belize daily and I see them in the faces of the patients I meet at work. While international missions will always have a special place in my heart, my goal is to serve my neighbors here in my part of the world for the rest of my life. Though the need for improved access to health care is overwhelming, I am committed to doing my part to fix it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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