Critique my First Draft

[woodlingj]

Hello all, 

This is my first time applying and I've finished my first draft. I would love some advice, particularly on the flow of the essay and how well it pertains to the prompt. I'm worried it sounds too generic and does not set me apart enough.

 

The cashier at El Pollo Loco handing me my lunch had no idea of the treasure trove she had just given me. While everyone else began enjoying their food, I was on a hunt. “You’re eating the pectoralis major! My piece has some vertebrae, that’s where the spinal cord would run through it. If this is the femur and that is the tibia, then there should be a ligament in this spot and a tendon over here!” This search for and identification of the anatomical parts of a meal was a frequent occurrence for me. As any of my family members can attest to, a meal involving meat was always interesting when I was around. As the years progressed and my passion for and knowledge of physiology grew, I taught them more than they ever wanted to know about the skeletal muscle fibers they were consuming and what their own bodies were doing as a result.

There was never a doubt in my mind that I would go into healthcare. I was the little girl who volunteered to carve the turkey at Thanksgiving dinner, identifying the other bones while everyone else fought over the wishbone.  I was also the little girl to rush to side of my teammate who scraped their knee or rub the back of my friend who was throwing up. I was too young to realize why they were in pain or how to help them, I simply knew that they were upset and could use comfort. When it came time to decide on a career path, my interest in the human body and natural gravitation towards those in pain assured me that healthcare was where I was meant to be.

I wanted a career in which those at their most vulnerable could come to me for comfort and entrust me to alleviate their pain. I wanted to be challenged with a set of symptoms, cure the ailment of the patient and then share my knowledge to empower them to prevent more injury or sickness in the future. Having no family members that worked in medicine or any real medical experience, I believed becoming a doctor was my only option. As I set my course for medical school, I was nervous that the career wouldn’t be exactly what I wanted. Experiences with my own doctors left me wanting as I felt that the visits were always much too short and I left with more questions than I started with. Near the end of my second year of college, I attended a seminar on medical school applications. The presenter opened the discussion by saying ‘If your reasoning for becoming a doctor is to sit down with patients, connect with them and educate them, you may be better suited for PA than MD.” My ears immediately perked up. I had never heard the term physician assistant before and yet this simple description fit my career goals perfectly. I spent the rest of the seminar on my laptop researching the PA profession instead of listening to how to be the perfect medical school applicant. That was the moment I became dedicated to becoming a PA and I haven’t looked back since. The very next day, I joined my school’s pre-PA club and began exploring shadowing opportunities.

Shadowing several PAs in emergency and family medicine only deepened my desire to become a PA. I was worried that the term assistant would limit my autonomy and that I would not actually be allowed to practice real medicine. I was very pleasantly surprised to find that the physicians respected the PAs and the collaboration was mutual rather than one-sided. Physicians would run cases by the PA and the PA would run cases by the physicians. In each location, I observed a team that worked as equals where everyone’s knowledge and perspective was valued. Additionally, even in San Diego which is by no means a small town, the PA I shadowed knew her patients. She remembered who had recently gotten married, which family member was having a baby, and what flavor of lollipop each child preferred. This was the environment I had envisioned myself in and the career I had longed for.

I chose to become a Patient Care Technician simply because it seemed the quickest route to obtaining patient care experience but I quickly discovered that it taught me many skills that I will carry on to a career as a PA. As a PCT, I am the eyes and ears of the providers and the voices of my patients. As I take vital signs, help patients with their activities of daily living, and reposition them, I get to know my patients for who they are in addition to why they are in the hospital. They communicate their pain, new symptoms, concerns about their treatment, and most importantly their personal lives with me. For those who cannot communicate, I give them back their dignity and advocate for their health when they cannot. At my current qualifications, my role in the care team is to console and comfort while passing along the information that patients entrust me with to their providers.  I cannot wait for the day that I am able to both share these bonds with my patient and be the one to take action and treat them. Working in multiple acuity levels has taught me that even those patients who have access to medical care are not receiving enough care to sustain healthy and happy lives. When I greet the same patient on their fifth, sixth, and seventh visits to the hospital for CHF exacerbation, I know that their needs are not being met. I try my best to educate patients up to my current education level, encouraging them to take their diuretics and monitor their weight.  I long for the day that I can share my passion with them more fully and create a lasting impact to even more patients. I believe that the role of a physician assistant is the perfect avenue to gain trust and build meaningful connections with patients while providing them with the education to remain healthy after they leave the office or hospital. This is the future that excites me and drives me to my absolute best for each and every patient, and person, that I meet.

[Sb123]

This essay sounded great except this:

 ‘If your reasoning for becoming a doctor is to sit down with patients, connect with them and educate them, you may be better suited for PA than MD.”

This statement makes it seem as though doctors don’t sit down and connect with patients. And to imply they don’t educate their patients is a bit insulting and probably not true. I’d reword that or take it out. 

[Janie55]

Hello. There are parts of your PS that are good and others that could use more work/rewording. I agree with Sb123’s comment regarding the MD/PA sentence.

I’m not a fan of your opening paragraph. I’d redo the entire thing. I’m a meat eater, so I’m not sensitive to eating meat, but the idea of correlating your meal to a human cadaver or body part is not a pleasant thought. It’s disturbing. It’s sets you apart, but in a very negative way.

Third paragraph: I assume the second sentence should say, “I want to be....” not “wanted”. A few negative vibes in here: patients and pain; your doctor visits sucked. Try to write about positives and I wouldn’t bash another health profession.

Last paragraph: I would eliminate the topic of you knowing that the CHF patients needs were not being met. That’s overstepping your job description.