2full2eat Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 Which one sounds better to you? It is with sheer desire that I one day serve in my community as a PA. Without hesitation, I would embark on the mission by being caring and competent in treating those from a diversified community through evidence-based medicine, while illustrating leadership and positively deliver to an ever-changing health care system. Upon each waking day I wish to enthusiastically contribute to the PA profession and proceed to enrich the lives of those around me within my working and personal life. OR As an undergrad, meeting a team of health professionals who selflessly volunteered their time in Haiti to help save lives and relieve suffering added to my aspiration. While listening to their stories and experiences, I imagined myself with them sharing in an ability to think quickly and creatively at each other’s side working with the limited resources available. As a practicing PA, I will strive to serve in my local and global community through international relief organizations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winterallsummer Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 Why not combine the two? My thoughts and edits: It is with sheer desire that I one day hope to serve my community as a PA. Without hesitation, I would embark on the mission by being caring and competent in treating those from a diversified community through evidence-based medicine*, while illustrating leadership and positively contributing to an ever changing health care system. Upon each waking day I wish to enthusiastically contribute to the PA profession and proceed to enrich the lives of those around me within my working and personal life. *evidence based medicine is fine but not sure you want that word here Overall critique: The 2nd sentence is too long and needs to be chopped into 2 separate sentences. The "each waking day" line IMO is a little bit cheesy, no offense meant. OR As an undergrad, meeting a team of health professionals who selflessly volunteered their time in Haiti to help save lives and relieve suffering added to my aspiration to become a PA. While listening to their stories and experiences, I imagined myself with them, sharing in an ability to think quickly and creatively at each other’s side. One of my ambitions as a PA is to serve in my local and global community through international relief organizations, even in challenging scenarios with limited resources available. Overall critique: I like that you worked in a personal experience here. You need to re-read these both though and fix your grammatical errors because there were several (tried to quickly correct a couple). Chop things into smaller sentences because you have run on sentences in this one too. This one is nice but you need to expand on it. This is for your PS I am assuming? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Steve Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 of what you posted, number 2. but I dig winter's feedback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LIPPER Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 Awww! Go my hopes up fir a good thread.. Women break up with him, just to have make-up sex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator LT_Oneal_PAC Posted May 2, 2012 Moderator Share Posted May 2, 2012 [ATTACH]890[/ATTACH] Most interesting man has fallen on hard times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Will352ns Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 But seriously folks, I think either is ok. That said, I am more of a fan of the "hey, this is what do/did and that is why I would be good PA candidate" type of narrative versus the "I'm inspired and my passion is great" narrative. The latter comes off kind of vague to me. Add some stuff that You have done and relate it to how it will help you succeed through PA school. I am assuming that this is an opening or closing paragraph, if so, back it up. Now take all this with a grain of salt. I'm writing my narrative now, I guess I'll find out if the style that I like works or not.:=D: Grammatically, it reads fine to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nebula Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 I prefer the second one- I also like winterallsummer's advice/critique. If I'm being blunt, the first para in particular reads as if you went through with a thesaurus and changed a bunch of words to "$5 words"- the language seems unnecessarily flowery to me and it's distracting me from what you're actually trying to say. But this is one of my pet peeves in writing, and something I saw a lot as a writing tutor, so I might be overly critical. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2full2eat Posted May 2, 2012 Author Share Posted May 2, 2012 First of all loved the pictures guys, added some humor to my day, big plus. Otherwise thank you all for your advice it's really helpful. It is my closing paragraph, and I agree with those of you that said I should make it relate more to something I did more than influenced, only my influence is real, I do want to go abroad to neighboring countries, my only issue is, I never have done anything like that before. So I'm having trouble including it in my narrative. Also for the first paragraph I was trying to squeeze in what the PA mission is to me, and that I aim to accomplish it, but I do like the second para more but finding it hard to make it more personal. Well thanks a lot everyone, anymore thoughts and opinions are always welcomed! Thanks a lot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winterallsummer Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 What have you had experience with, i.e. volunteering, working, etc? I can help you come up with a way to work that in if you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2full2eat Posted May 2, 2012 Author Share Posted May 2, 2012 Ill post up my paragraph that talk about my work experience, and my volunteering has mainly been for walks/marathons either to raise money for an international country or for disease. Through the use of several work and volunteer opportunities, I observed the roles of various physician assistants, doctors, nurses, and physical therapists. My initial interest in exercise led me to my first position as a physical therapy aide, where I learned that every patient's case and response to treatment is distinctly specific to the individual. In addition, as a fitness trainer for a bariatric population, I became an educator and a leader in promoting a healthy lifestyle. My experiences in both positions helped me to refine my listening and communication skills with people of various backgrounds, ages, and cultures. Through a natural ability to comfort and empathize with others, I was able to quickly develop trusting relationships with all patients, no matter their circumstance. It has become my philosophy to not only treat the patient's ailment, but to treat the person as a whole as well. I became aware of this for the first time when I received a handwritten letter from a patient stating her gratitude for all the support and care I gave throughout her recovery. Seeing how my involvement in her recovery helped her, I realized that it takes the proficiency of all members in a healthcare team for treatment to be effective, no matter how big or small their part may be. Here it is, i've been toying with the idea of including it somewhere in here, but I've been pretty happy with this paragraph and haven't really wanted to touch it so far. If there is something you think you can do with my work/volunteer experience that will relate to my desire to travel abroad I'm all ears! Thanks a lot for being helpful, def means a lot! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2full2eat Posted May 2, 2012 Author Share Posted May 2, 2012 PAMAC, yes, I agree..i've tried to fit experience more into my initial paragraph and am curious what you think. It still needs finesse but was curious if you feel I'm coming along with it. Here it is Upon meeting a team of health professionals who selflessly volunteered their time in Haiti to help save lives and relieve suffering added to my ambition. While listening to their stories and experiences, I imagined myself with them sharing in an ability to think quickly and creatively at each other's side working with the limited resources available. After working with Haitian patient's, intent to serve as a PA in my global community and join relief organizations became a personal goal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winterallsummer Posted May 2, 2012 Share Posted May 2, 2012 The paragraph on your experience as a fitness trainer is great. Check my edits on the paragraph you just posted (i.e added to my ambition TO BECOME A PA). Also "Haitian patient's" is grammatically incorrect. Do you mean to say "patients in Haiti" maybe? Also you need to say "AN intent to serve" or better yet scrap that sentence and re-write "after working with patients in Haiti, I acquired the personal goal of serving people in my local and global communities as a PA, as well as contributing my time to relief organizations." I do think the more PERSONAL you can make your PS, the better, so good job on that. It doesn't have to be work either. I wrote about how overcoming a tough time in my life helped make me independent and gave me work ethic that prepared me for PA school. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mainiac Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 My .02! Make it personal. It's ur chance 2 get the readers attention. I'd recommend that info in the beginning. If the reader is bored, they'll more on. G rab there attention/curosity so they wanna read/know more about u! Best of luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2full2eat Posted May 3, 2012 Author Share Posted May 3, 2012 Ok guys once again thanks for all your input. This has really really been helpful for me completing my narrative. I think I finally finished twisting around this paragraph and want to see what the remainder or those still willing to help have to say. Here it is My participation in Haiti relief awareness at Brockport bolstered my ambition to serve my local and global community as a PA and join relief organizations that assist disadvantaged populations. Due to my involvement, I met a team of health professionals who selflessly volunteered their time in Haiti to help save lives. While listening to their experiences, I imagined myself with the team, sharing the demands to think quickly and creatively with limited resources available. I feel it adds a personal aspect, an inspirational aspect, as well as paint a picture of who I want to be as a PA. Thanks a gain everyone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bjl12 Posted May 3, 2012 Share Posted May 3, 2012 The pictures made this thread - I had to "borrow" one of them :] The first essay sample did sound a little over-the-top. Focus on your experiences, the things you liked and learned about them, and why the PA position fits your career goals and personal interests. The overall tone of the first essay almost seems like a desperation plea to persuade/convince the reader. Just relax and write an essay without trying to please anyone, then edit it and make it sound a little more fancy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cinntsp Posted May 4, 2012 Share Posted May 4, 2012 I don't always drink beer, but when I do... ...I tend to post threads in the wrong forums. http://www.physicianassistantforum.com/forums/forumdisplay.php/464-Personal-Statements ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2full2eat Posted May 8, 2012 Author Share Posted May 8, 2012 wutthechris - ur right, I should have posted another "this is my GPA whats my chances?" thread. That fits better here. Haha I don't always drink beer, but when I do... ...I tend to post threads in the wrong forums. http://www.physicianassistantforum.com/forums/forumdisplay.php/464-Personal-Statements ;) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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