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Hello everyone! I hope you are doing well with your applications this year. This is my second year applying and have finally come to an essay that I really like. I am planning to submit my applications the end of the month, so if I could have as much input on my personal statement until than that would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you so much and I hope you enjoy my essay,

Since the first day I put on a helmet, I fell in love with football. It has given me my share of injuries throughout my career. However, up until my senior year of college, none of them kept me from playing the sport I love so much. During the third game of my last season, I was five yards away from the end zone trying to score for my team, when a defensive player dove for my legs. It was supposed to be an easy score, but when the defender dove, he landed on my foot.  As I limped off the field, I went straight to the trainers to have my ankles taped for more support. I jumped off the table and as soon as my foot hit the ground, I felt as if a bullet had shot me. I quickly realized that I was done for the game, but the trainers suspected worse. Moments later the physician came by to look at my foot, and gave me a look I would never forget. I had a Lisfranc fracture and my last year to play football was taken away from me.

The numerous injuries I experienced throughout my 15 years of football are what catalyzed my desire to become a medical professional. In the physical therapy clinic where I work, I have been able to experience the joy of being on the other side of the treatment table. Working closely in a team of care providers consisting of physicians and physical therapists, I have had the opportunity to play a direct role in implementing the rehabilitation plan for our patients. As a physical therapy aide, it is my responsibility to teach each patient proper exercise technique and explain the reasoning and benefits behind each exercise. This has given me an extensive understanding of the interdependent relationship between the muscular and skeletal system. My personal experiences with the pain of injury and the joy of recovery motivate me to serve every patient with compassion. Having the ability to guide them on their journey back to doing the activities they enjoy in life give me an overwhelming sense of fulfillment.

Through each of the treatment processes of my Lisfranc fracture, I had the privilege of having a physician assistant as my primary care provider. I was amazed at how well she and the physician worked together in my treatment, as well as her autonomy. Her role in my treatment, from seeing me through surgery, to catching an infection in my foot, to facilitating my ability to run, was instrumental in my quick recovery as well as moving me in the direction of a PA as a health care professional. After hours of shadowing with a PA, I quickly saw the broad array of treatment, and diagnostic abilities available in this profession through a variety of different conditions addressed on our rounds. During these hours, the PA walked me through some of her diagnostic tools, allowing me to look at a patient’s tympanic membrane to see whether their jaw pain might be associated with a problem of the ear. These first hand experiences helped to strengthen my passion for the profession and further encouraged me to pursue it. An interesting finding about the PA that I shadowed was her experience in gastroenterology prior to her current field of family practice, which revealed how flexible the profession is.

Through my countless injuries, the people who have encouraged me to persevere have been my community. I enjoy being able to give back to them using the knowledge and experience that I have gained over the years. Through the two main things I am well versed in, football and education, I have been able to teach kids about playing sports and counsel them on education. A few others and I who are first generation college students came together to help start a program called Mana at the College of San Mateo. This program is meant to help Polynesians through college by creating a sort of family that they can lean on and hold each other accountable. We focused on high schools that were not big on post-secondary education and would talk to kids and their families about going to college. We would invite them to our campus to participate in events to show them the support system we have established. Many of the students who took part in the events went on to further their education after seeing what opportunities and resources are out there for them. This program was just one of the ways I was able to help the community. As a PA I would be able to use the knowledge I would gain through school and the workforce to help communities medically as well as educationally.

            Sometimes in life one door must close before another can open. My career as a student athlete has come to a close. Now I have turned my full attention and dedication toward becoming a PA. I have applied myself to my studies, taken advantage of internships to gain valuable work experience and have taken the necessary steps to fulfill every requirement for the PA program. Though my injuries have taken so much from me, they are also what brought me to the doorsteps of this profession, and I will forever be grateful.

 

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Hello. I liked your PS, but it came across like a small synopsis of your college life, rather than a strong essay of why you want to be a PA and why you will make a great PA. The paper was fine with regards to grammar and sentence structure. If you  don’t plan on changing anything about it, I would swap paragraph 2 and three for better thought organization.

Your PS has good bones to build on, if you want to turn in an excellent PS, I think you can with a little more work. Here’s how:

Make a list of the top 5 reasons what attracts you to the PA profession; ie. versatility, working on a team, etc/whatever.

Make a list of your top 5 strengths; ie. leadership, working with community, etc/whatever.

You have excellent themes (football, community work, physical therapy aid) in your current PS that Im sure you can draw upon for specific examples of how the things you admire about the PA profession and your personal strengths mesh. You will have to omit a lot of your current sentences, that don’t add much value to your paper. For example: in your first paragraph you use a lot of sentences to give me a play-by-play of how your broke your ankle and what happened next, but all that detail does nothing to add value to your paper. You could easily state you broke your ankle playing football and the PA treating you was your epiphany moment. Your other paragraphs have some of that play-by-play vibe to them too. 

I don’t think you need to scrap this PS, but I think you could make it much stronger, by getting rid of the no value sentences and writing about why PA for you, and what you have to offer.  Good Luck!

 

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If you’re going to retool your paper, I don’t mean to imply you need to discuss every point in your personal/PA top 5 lists, but use some of those ideas/examples to bolster your paper.

 

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On 5/13/2019 at 2:49 PM, Janie55 said:

If you’re going to retool your paper, I don’t mean to imply you need to discuss every point in your personal/PA top 5 lists, but use some of those ideas/examples to bolster your paper.

 

Thank you so much for reading my essay, I have thought about it very carefully and i think that I am going to be taking your advice. I am going to be retooling my essay and this critique has definitely been helpful in showing me how I want my strengths should be presented. Thank you so much.

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