Final Draft of Personal Essay- Please Revise!!!!

[ryannburke]

Kate didn’t look nervous at all. In fact, she was excited to see Leann, the physician assistant within her moms practice, as if she wasn’t wielding a needle that would surely be used on Kate. Kate, my step sister and best friend, had always bragged to me that “she couldn’t even feel it” when Leann gave her shots throughout her childhood. This came as a shock to me, as my reaction to receiving a shot at the time would have been quite dramatic. Kate looked at me and said, “See, didn’t even hurt.” After being seen by PA Leann, worried patients would leave with a smile, children thought her vaccinations, “didn’t hurt at all,” and she treated each patient with the respect and care of a family member. Being able to observe an admirable example of a physician assistant at a young age was the beginning of my journey to wanting to become a great physician assistant myself. Leann sparked my interest in a career as a PA, but my undergraduate and post graduate experiences further fueled and confirmed my dream of becoming a PA.  

    As an undergraduate I was able to obtain invaluable experience shadowing surgeons as an operating room volunteer. I Simultaneously balanced two jobs, my undergraduate career, an executive position within an on-campus pre-pa club and sorority activities, including philanthropic events with the American Heart Association. I worked with tenacity and diligence and loved every moment of it, as it was all done to achieve my goal of becoming a physician assistant. In addition, working various jobs within the restaurant industry during this time yielded a developed set of customer service skills. My interpersonal skills gained from this type of experience have helped hone my bedside manner while medial assisting. For example, in the past few years working as an MA, patients have requested my assistance during exams and treatments to help ease the stress of their procedure due to my nurturing nature. Graduating SDSU with a B.S. in Psychology has also helped me understand unique needs that come with a diverse community that need to be addressed respectfully in order for their experience to be maximized to its fullest. 

    After graduating SDSU, I focused my effort on gaining as much experience within the medical industry as possible to prepare myself for a career as a PA. I have been an eager student all my life and took up as much information as I could from my positions as a medical assistant across different practices. Most important, I learned the significance of the patient experience and how I could work within a team to shape this experience positively. Wanting to further understand the medical industry and PA profession, I also became a member of AAPA, enrolled in a Medical Terminology class, became BSL certified and took the GRE this past year.

     The opportunity to work within a team and simultaneously act as a decision maker were facets of the profession I was particularly attracted to while working closely with PAs as a medical assistant. I strongly believe collaboration lessons chance for error during diagnosis and benefits the patient because of this. Working as a “problem solver” is another quality I find attractive about the profession that is unique to physicians and physician assistants. However, a PA is able to spend more time directed towards patient care than a physician, which is something I value about the PA career specifically. Nursing is an invaluable part of health care but I would rather approach my practice from a medical model than a nursing model. Through my experience working with different medical professionals, I found there is no other professional within the medical industry I would rather become than a Physician Assistant. 

    My childhood environment and subsequent healthcare experiences have prepared me for the next steps in my journey to becoming a physician assistant. My background in psychology and customer service will allow me to provide a humanistic and mindful approach to my practice as a future PA. Being able to work within the medical industry has allowed me to realize that healing people is a form of work that comes naturally to me, and is something I find fulfilling in my every day life. I aspire to become the admirable physician assistant I saw in Leann at such a young age and there is no truly other profession I would rather be in. 
 

[Janie55]

I have read your PS a few times through. In general I come away not remembering anything in your statement about you or why you want to be a PA. It reads more like a resume. It has a bundle of grammatical errors, run on sentences, and frankly sentences I’m not sure what you are even trying to convey. Your first paragraph is awkward and in no way makes me want to read anymore. There is not much I’d keep in the second paragraph either. Third paragraph is all resume info. Fourth paragraph has some redeeming sentences and ideas, but they need to be developed better. Again, there are grammatical errors, improper use of words/vocabulary, and capitalization error. The sentences about MDs and nursing are awkward. Fifth paragraph is very weak and poorly written.

With that said, this seems more like a first brainstorming draft with no regard for correct sentence structure, grammar, or organization of thoughts to make a strong statement. 

If this is your first draft, keep working on this. It can take 10 or more revisions to end with an awesome statement. Research what makes a strong PS. Make sure to answer why you want to be a PA. Think of examples from working as MA that bolstered your decision to pursue this career and specific examples of how you will be a great PA. Have friends/family/coworkers who you think have great writing skills to help proofread your statement prior to submission to CASPA.

Don’t be discouraged! This is a hard paper to write. This is such an arduous process and the last thing you want to do, is to go through all this work and then submit a PS  that is less than excellent. Good luck! 

[Patricia5827]

I agree. There’s a lot of run on sentences and your essay doesn’t do a great job of conveying why you want to be a pa. There’s no personality to youressay.

i suggest using @hmtpnw to edit it.$50 for two edits and she made my essay amazing! 

[padeb]

I would take out the sentence stating PAs spend more time with patients than physicians. It sheds a negative light on physicians and you want to stay away from that. Keep up the good work.