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dangelbrooks01

Please review my edited PS!!

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Hi! I think I read your previous edit. This is a lot better! I like how you tied in your hobby into medicine. It’s definitely better, but it could be better. You kind of skim the top of 1) why a pa and 2) why you would be a good pa. You name multitasking but go a little more into it. Other then that I think it’s good!

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THANK YOU SO MUCH! I was hoping it was at least a little better. Do you happen to when I can get some more reviews/critiques that are cheap or maybe even free? 

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Hi Danglebrooks01, 

I think that your essay definitely stands out and you have an interesting way to carry your theme. The problem is that your transitions don't mesh well with the rest of the paragraph. I liked how in the first paragraph you went over how certain aspects of basketball relate to the medical field, but you stopped doing that in the paragraphs after, so it made the transitions and body of your paragraphs disjointed. I would also start a new paragraph with the line "As I worked throughout the night", because it goes into a whole new train of thought than the beginning of the paragraph. Hope this helps!

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6 hours ago, dangelbrooks01 said:

Thank you! Also, do you know what I could possibly take out? I'm about 200 characters over the limit. @Ashleymarie92

Try using different words/phrases or removing extraneous wording to cut down on the character limit.

For example, in your fourth paragraph:

"I was fortunate enough to work as a patient care technician (PCT) where..." --> As a patient care technician (PCT) I learned how to multi-task and become more organized...

"...ensuring that they were safe and taken care of." --> ensuring their safety and care.

" hinder me from my goal and aspiration of becoming a physician assistant." --> hinder me from my goal of becoming a PA.

 "Instead of giving up, I have continued to learn from my mistakes and experiences and matured overall by taking the time to prioritize my tasks and improving my time management skills which are demonstrated in my recent grades." --> With perseverance, I continue...overall matured through time-management and prioritizing my tasks, as demonstrated...

Edited by aba51

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