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Anyone wanna rip this apart?


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First thing I thought of when reading your statement was that you’re not talking enough about yourself. The first 3 paragraphs are way too much, you can easily trim that into one paragraph. In fact, I would get rid of the second and third paragraph. Don’t put too many details on an event that you experienced, keep it short and simple. Also, in your fourth paragraph, you’re talking too much about Greg. Try to incorporate how working with Greg made your desire to be a PA stronger. I would talk more about how your experiences led you to the PA journey. You talked about your work, which is good but try to incorporate your undergrad as well or if you volunteered, etc. Some other general tips: you don’t need to use grand words to get your point across, keep it simple and work on your grammar a little, I saw a few mistakes.

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3 hours ago, Caligal said:

First thing I thought of when reading your statement was that you’re not talking enough about yourself. The first 3 paragraphs are way too much, you can easily trim that into one paragraph. In fact, I would get rid of the second and third paragraph. Don’t put too many details on an event that you experienced, keep it short and simple. Also, in your fourth paragraph, you’re talking too much about Greg. Try to incorporate how working with Greg made your desire to be a PA stronger. I would talk more about how your experiences led you to the PA journey. You talked about your work, which is good but try to incorporate your undergrad as well or if you volunteered, etc. Some other general tips: you don’t need to use grand words to get your point across, keep it simple and work on your grammar a little, I saw a few mistakes.

Thanks for the feedback, exactly what I anticipated and have struggled with throughout the writing process.  Appreciate it!

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Like the above person said, cut out the second paragraph. I would only focus on one of those stories, thAt way you can use the additional characters for answering the question “why a pa”. I made that mistake first when I wrote up my draft, and yours doesn’t really answer that question either. You skim the top of the iceberg but don’t really go into detail. Your essay should answer “why a pa” and why you would be a great pa. You don’t have to restate your resume, that will already be in caspa. I highly recommend @hmtpnw for any essay edits! She’s great! 

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1. Avoid using passive voice 

2. Get crafty in cutting down words & only tell the stories that need to be told 

  • It's a pain, but there's a character count to comply with. Hone in on the essential details: does the reader need to know it was a Friday evening in October? Or that your student athlete's family live in a Southern California home? Can you convey Greg's influence in fewer details? While the anecdote about the oranges is sweet, for the sake of brevity it would be best to leave it out. 

3. Focus your personal statement on... you! 

  • You've given us three engaging stories, but in the end it's a little difficult to discover who you are in all of this.
  • It seems like you learned a lot from your experiences & from Greg - if you could give an example of how you applied that knowledge in practice it would improve your statement immensely. If you can, use that example to show (not tell) your positive characteristics. 

4. Cleaner transitions 

  • The transition between your first and second paragraph could be cleaner, it wasn't immediately clear to me what your new role was. Try, "Half a decade later, as an athletic trainer..." 
  • Also, rework this sentence, it makes it sound as if you are already a PA: That singular event became the starting point of my physician assistant journey, motivating me to expand my clinical knowledge and skills to practice medicine at the highest level as a physician assistant.

Overall you're off to a good start! You just need to cut down on the wordiness & make sure you focus the spotlight on yourself and convey why *you* want to become a PA. Good luck to you! 

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