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Personal Statement Final Draft Review, Please?


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My story begins with a woman named Camerina. She is a mother of three, who had to endure the tragic loss of her husband. Persevering, she became the sole provider of her three children, dedicating all of her time and energy to working two jobs for the sake of her children’s wellbeing. Like many mothers, she sacrificed her own advancements in order to assure her children had food, shelter and security. She was never able to learn English, yet she had provided a life so that her children could. They were given the opportunity to become bilingual, and they did. I am one of those children.

When I was a teenager, my mother began having recurrent discomfort in her abdomen. She would frequently go to the doctor’s office but all the doctors only spoke English. In order to receive proper treatment, she required a translator to sit in with her at the appointments. Oftentimes, that was me. This is how I was first introduced to the medical field. It wasn’t long before I began to show interest in the medical field. As I translated for my mother, I had to learn all of the unfamiliar medical terminology in order to translate accurately and I quickly became fascinated by the field. I became more and more interested in hearing the different prognoses and began asking more questions than even my mother could think of. I wanted to know why, when, where and how for every possible diagnosis and treatment. Being such a hard working woman, my mother deserved the best care possible but I began to see firsthand that that was not always possible because of the language barrier. Clinic after clinic, my mother decided to attend the Good Samaritan Clinic. Here she met a physician assistant that demonstrated great interest and determination to help her heal.

The physician assistant was able to provide a possible remedy to alleviate the discomfort my mother had felt for so long. The joy in my mother’s face was apparent. She was extremely joyous that someone was finally able to help ease her pain. Seeing my mother so happy made me happy too. Witnessing first hand the compassion and determination of the physician assistant sparked a interest in myself to explore the profession.

Years later, while in college I had the opportunity to shadow a PA to observe and better understand the position of a PA. I was able to observe the teamwork executed by the PA, doctor, and other medical staff to provide the best care possible. Something else that I observed was the adaptability of the PA to work with different types of patients, some who were tough to work with while others were easier to work with. While in college, I became a certified nursing assistant in order to gain the experience that I desired to help others and also to help support my mother and family. Since I am a first generation student in my family to go to college, I struggled with work and classes due to a lack of proper guidance. During this journey, there were times when I did not perform well in classes or I had to drop a course in order to continue to help provide for  my household.

As a CNA, I landed a job in a skilled nursing rehabilitation facility. During my time there, I encountered a wide variety of different patients. Some just had surgery while others had experienced traumatic events, like falls or accidents. I met one patient named Martha who had been at the facility for weeks and did not speak English. She only spoke Spanish. One day she was trying to tell a nurse that there was something wrong with her but the only way she could communicate was by gesturing and pointing to the area of pain. I was called over by the nurse to assist in translating and I was able to effectively communicate exactly what was ailing the patient. She had been trying for days to explain what was wrong but had been unable to do so. She had been very thankful for my ability to translate for her, and I still remember how she offered me some of the candy from her room as a sign of her gratitude. I continued to check in on her periodically to ensure her needs were continuing to be met, and that she felt comfortable and safe. I noticed she had gained a more positive outlook on the facility, her treatment and the future quality of her life. Not only was I helping her with the language translation but I was also making observations such as any changes in physical or emotion state.

In addition to working with Martha, I had the opportunity to work with a wide variety of patients, and this experience has taught me that every individual has unique needs and time needs to be put in to listen and understand their needs In addition to working with Martha, I had the opportunity to work alongside nurses and physicians who showed me how effective teamwork provides the best care for each patient's unique needs and that communication needs to be clear and concise to garner the best results..

Throughout the years, I have seen time and time again a lack of Spanish speaking healthcare providers for an ever-diverse population that requires more bilingual opportunities. Quality healthcare should be provided to all people, regardless of their race, ethnicity or the language they speak. As a bilingual person, I have a unique opportunity to improve the healthcare experience for many people and I would like the opportunity to continue to grow in this industry and to bridge the gap between the cultures/peoples in order to provide better care and to understand their needs and wants. I will always remember that one physician assistant who helped my mother and I am striving to be that one instrumental figure for others. Everyone deserves an equal opportunity to be healthy and live happily.

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the whole bridging the cultural and language barrier, family sicknesses, and explaining lack of academic success is awesome. i think there should be more specific reasons that talk about the SPECIFIC role of a PA and why that is appealing. i am trying to do that for my essay as well.

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Overall thoughts: Based on my first read of your PS, I thought you would be a great medical interpreter. I actually work as a medical interpreter currently and your PS sounds like the medical interpreter job could fit. I use my bilingual language skills and help establish communication between patients and providers. Although being bilingual in Spanish is great, your overall PS doesn't give me why PA then say, medical interpreter. So, I think you need to really focus on why PA profession and why you could be a good PA. 

Just my general comments, no way you need to follow any of my advice! 

1. Maybe can start off with a sentence in Spanish of your mom describing her constant pain. Then say since I was ___ yo i began accompanying my mom to multiple clinics and that was my first encounter with medicine. Then introduce your mother's story but focus on how her story sparked your interest in medicine and with the focus on helping the Spanish speaking communities.

2. Then describe the time you spent with your mom in the clinics. I believe the being such a hard working woman....language barrier part can be taken out. Most hospitals do have Spanish interpreters on-site or phone interpreting nowadays. Plus you want to tie how you wanted to know more in-depth knowledge to the PA who used that in-depth knowledge to treat your mom.

On 8/2/2018 at 8:47 PM, albae said:

Being such a hard working woman, my mother deserved the best care possible but I began to see firsthand that that was not always possible because of the language barrier. Clinic after clinic, my mother decided to attend the Good Samaritan Clinic. Here she met a physician assistant that demonstrated great interest and determination to help her heal.

3. Describe exactly what the PA did for your mom that was so different compared to all the people she saw before. how did they show the compassion and determination? was it talking to your mother for longer periods of time? understanding her whole history? trying different medications or exams? etc?

On 8/2/2018 at 8:47 PM, albae said:

The physician assistant was able to provide a possible remedy to alleviate the discomfort my mother had felt for so long.

4. Next should be your job as CNA. What skills have you developed here that could make you a good PA? You learned communication, working in a team setting, etc. Then you say how Martha described her symptoms to you in Spanish and you conveyed it clearly to the nurses. but you realized you want to be the provider treating her symptoms and how your fluency in both languages could help serve so many more people like Martha and your mom.

5. Conclusion paragraph

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On 8/5/2018 at 2:24 PM, koreanbbq said:

the whole bridging the cultural and language barrier, family sicknesses, and explaining lack of academic success is awesome. i think there should be more specific reasons that talk about the SPECIFIC role of a PA and why that is appealing. i am trying to do that for my essay as well.

Thanks!!! Im going to keep working on it. 

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I think this is a promising essay - you clearly have an incredible story and you've worked so hard! You've already gotten some awesome feedback - I just wanted to point out a few additional things I noticed!

I'm sure you're going to hate this opinion, but I think you could cut the entire first paragraph without having a negative effect on your essay. This is a PERSONAL narrative, and while your mother sounds like an incredible woman, the adcom wants to hear more about you. You don't have space to lose focus on why YOU will be an outstanding PA.

Also, you often say the same thing twice. For example:

"Persevering, she became the sole provider of her three children, dedicating all of her time and energy to working two jobs for the sake of her children’s wellbeing. Like many mothers, she sacrificed her own advancements in order to assure her children had food, shelter and security."

This could be simply stated as "She became the sole provider for her three children, working two jobs and sacrificing her own advancements to assure her children's food, shelter, and security." We just went from 284 characters to 162.

Other examples: I became more and more interested in hearing the different prognoses and began asking more questions than even my mother could think of. I wanted to know why, when, where and how for every possible diagnosis and treatment."

"The joy in my mother’s face was apparent. She was extremely joyous that someone was finally able to help ease her pain."

"In addition to working with Martha, I had the opportunity to work with a wide variety of patients, and this experience has taught me that every individual has unique needs and time needs to be put in to listen and understand their needs In addition to working with Martha, I had the opportunity to work alongside nurses and physicians who showed me how effective teamwork provides the best care for each patient's unique needs and that communication needs to be clear and concise to garner the best results."

Scrutinize every sentence. Better yet, ask someone who's strong in English (a writing tutor, a trusted friend, etc) to cross through anything redundant. That will give you plenty of space to expand upon the reasons you want to be a PA and the experiences that have brought you to this point. Best of luck!

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  • 2 weeks later...
I think this is a promising essay - you clearly have an incredible story and you've worked so hard! You've already gotten some awesome feedback - I just wanted to point out a few additional things I noticed!
I'm sure you're going to hate this opinion, but I think you could cut the entire first paragraph without having a negative effect on your essay. This is a PERSONAL narrative, and while your mother sounds like an incredible woman, the adcom wants to hear more about you. You don't have space to lose focus on why YOU will be an outstanding PA.
Also, you often say the same thing twice. For example:
"Persevering, she became the sole provider of her three children, dedicating all of her time and energy to working two jobs for the sake of her children’s wellbeing. Like many mothers, she sacrificed her own advancements in order to assure her children had food, shelter and security."
This could be simply stated as "She became the sole provider for her three children, working two jobs and sacrificing her own advancements to assure her children's food, shelter, and security." We just went from 284 characters to 162.
Other examples: I became more and more interested in hearing the different prognoses and began asking more questions than even my mother could think of. I wanted to know why, when, where and how for every possible diagnosis and treatment."
"The joy in my mother’s face was apparent. She was extremely joyous that someone was finally able to help ease her pain."
"In addition to working with Martha, I had the opportunity to work with a wide variety of patients, and this experience has taught me that every individual has unique needs and time needs to be put in to listen and understand their needs In addition to working with Martha, I had the opportunity to work alongside nurses and physicians who showed me how effective teamwork provides the best care for each patient's unique needs and that communication needs to be clear and concise to garner the best results."
Scrutinize every sentence. Better yet, ask someone who's strong in English (a writing tutor, a trusted friend, etc) to cross through anything redundant. That will give you plenty of space to expand upon the reasons you want to be a PA and the experiences that have brought you to this point. Best of luck!
Omg ty. I really appreciate your insightful advice :)

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

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