Also looking for a review for a pretty rough draft...

[jmelville]

Hi all!

Just looking for some feedback..it's not finished. Feel free to be brutal! haha

 

Some of my earliest memories are in hospitals. While most kids played tag outside on playgrounds, I played hide and seek in waiting rooms.  My mom’s diagnosis with breast cancer brought me at a young age to a world not many others experience.  The reality of illness and life in a hospital gave me a practical view of medicine and also a great sense of gratitude for it and those who carry it out.  It showed me the enormous sacrifice and responsibility that healthcare workers bear, both of which I felt certain I never wanted to shoulder myself. 

 

I was hesitant about medicine, but still wanted a career that had meaning and allowed me to give back. My exposure to hospitals had made me curious about science, so I started a degree in biology.  Although interesting, the connection between what was being taught in the classroom and the real world was lost to me.  Searching for a practical application, I worked on ranches and horse facilities around the U.S., which is where my interest in science was cemented.  I learned to calculate doses, give shots, assess animal’s wellbeing, and treat injuries. The principles of physiology, biology, and chemistry were no longer just words in a book, but what saved a colicking horse from dying or helped a cow save her calf. It was meaningful.  

 

Living rurally, though, it was not long before I saw that the people in my community who take such good care of their animals often don’t have anyone to take care of them.  After years of growing up seeing what medicine could do, I was now getting firsthand insight into what a lack of it looked like. Despite my love of caring for animals, I couldn’t stop feeling like I should be doing more.  I wanted to know if I was capable of providing the same care and compassion to humans, so when an opportunity arose at a nursing home, I took it.  The residents and their families quickly became my extended family.  Ruth would let me take her blood pressure numerous times a day just to practice and Clyde would get his exercise by reaching for different muscles to quiz me on their names.  The gratification of learning and interacting with patients, I realized, far outweighed the sacrifice and responsibility.   

 

Before committing fully to a healthcare role, I wanted to be certain that another career couldn’t be just as gratifying.  Turning to teaching, I moved to Spain where I lived for a year and a half the ability to know people from not just Spain, but numerous countries.  One of these people was my  a Venezuelan who had left her own country for the stability of Spain.  She told me about the struggles of being a physician in a country where even basic hospital supplies could be hard to come by and how the instability eventually forced her to have to leave.   I couldn’t help but think of my own experience growing up and then working; how fortunate I was to have the opportunity to     

 

 

I returned to the U.S. with the confidence healthcare was where I wanted to be.  The most important question then was: how can I be the best medical provider for my community, no matter where that is? In my memories, it was the nurses that had made the biggest impact, so nursing seemed like the obvious choice.  I worked in a hospital, nursing home, and private care and the more I observed, the less that role fit my goals.  Having seen the consequences of a late diagnosis in my mom’s case, it was important that I have the skills to diagnosis and knowledge to assess medical problems.  I felt that in order to be confident caring for others, I needed a stronger medical foundation.  After numerous discussions with doctors, NP’s, and PA’s, it was the physician assistant model that stood out as the best of both worlds.  As a PA, I can have the in-depth medical knowledge to diagnose and treat, while also maintaining quality interactions with patients.  It allows me the flexibility to train in multiple specialties and be competent in many capacities, so that I can be confident working in a rural or global setting. 

 

I used to be afraid of medicine and being responsible for another person. But, with every skill that I have gained, knowledge I have learned, and step closer I have taken to this profession, the more secure I have become that it is the right one for me.  Becoming a PA is not the easiest career path, but for me it is the only career I can see myself in.   

[Phoenixfire24]

Some of my earliest memories are in hospitals. While most kids played tag outside on playgrounds, I played hide and seek in waiting rooms.(I liked this sentence).  My mom’s diagnosis with breast cancer brought me at a young age to a world not many others experience.  The reality of illness and life in a hospital gave me a practical view of medicine and also a great sense of gratitude for it and those who carry it out.  It showed me the enormous sacrifice and responsibility that healthcare workers bear, both of which I felt certain I never wanted to shoulder myself.  (Due to my mother's breast cancer diagnosis, I received an early exposure into the reality of illness and life in a hospital.  This provided me with a practical view of medicine and a great sense of gratitude. --Just an idea for rewording)What does this experience make you want to be a PA?

 

I was hesitant about medicine, but still wanted a career that had meaning and allowed me to give back. My exposure to hospitals had made me curious about science, so I started a degree in biology.  Although interesting, the connection between what was being taught in the classroom and the real world was lost to me.  Searching for a practical application, I worked on ranches and horse facilities around the U.S., which is where my interest in science was cemented.  I learned to calculate doses, give shots, assess animal’s well-being, and treat injuries. The principles of physiology, biology, and chemistry were no longer just words in a book, but what saved a colicking horse from dying or helped a cow save her calf. It was meaningful.  (Although an unique experience, I would condense this paragraph to either 1) save characters 2) allow you more room to discuss other experiences that pertain more into your desire to be a PA )

 

Living rurally, though, it was not long before I saw that the people in my community who take such good care of their animals often don’t have anyone to take care of them.  After years of growing up seeing what medicine could do, I was now getting firsthand insight into what a lack of it looked like. Despite my love of caring for animals, I couldn’t stop feeling like I should be doing more.  I wanted to know if I was capable of providing the same care and compassion to humans, so when an opportunity arose at a nursing home, I took it.  The residents and their families quickly became my extended family.  Ruth would let me take her blood pressure numerous times a day just to practice and Clyde would get his exercise by reaching for different muscles to quiz me on their names.  The gratification of learning and interacting with patients, I realized, far outweighed the sacrifice and responsibility.   

 

Before committing fully to a healthcare role, I wanted to be certain that another career couldn’t be just as gratifying.  Turning to teaching, I moved to Spain where I lived for a year and a half the ability to know people from not just Spain, but numerous countries.  One of these people was my  a Venezuelan (incomplete thought?) who had left her own country for the stability of Spain.  She told me about the struggles of being a physician in a country where even basic hospital supplies could be hard to come by and how the instability eventually forced her to have to leave.   I couldn’t help but think of my own experience growing up and then working; how fortunate I was to have the opportunity to     (incomplete thought? What opportunity were you fortunate to have?)  I think this would be a good paragraph to have as this experience is very unique to have on an application, but it really needs to be reworked.  There are several thoughts/sentences that are not complete, so it makes the paragraph confusing as well.  

 

 

I returned to the U.S. with the confidence healthcare was where I wanted to be.  The most important question then was: how can I be the best medical provider for my community, no matter where that is? In my memories, it was the nurses that had made the biggest impact, so nursing seemed like the obvious choice.  I worked in a hospital, nursing home, and private care and the more I observed, the less that role fit my goals.  Having seen the consequences of a late diagnosis in my mom’s case, it was important that I have the skills to diagnosis and knowledge to assess medical problems.  I felt that in order to be confident caring for others, I needed a stronger medical foundation.  After numerous discussions with doctors, NP’s, and PA’s, it was the physician assistant model that stood out as the best of both worlds.  As a PA, I can have the in-depth medical knowledge to diagnose and treat, while also maintaining quality interactions with patients.  It allows me the flexibility to train in multiple specialties and be competent in many capacities, so that I can be confident working in a rural or global setting. (I would either condense this paragraph or break it up.Shorter and more concise paragraphs are easier to read.  It might just be my preference, but larger paragraphs can make me lose interest quickly.)

 

I used to be afraid of medicine and being responsible for another person. But, with every skill that I have gained, knowledge I have learned, and step closer I have taken to this profession, the more secure I have become that it is the right one for me.  Becoming a PA is not the easiest career path, but for me it is the only career I can see myself in.  (Your conclusion should come full circle when compared to your opening paragraph. It does not at this time.)

 

To be honest, I would expand on your own healthcare experience more; however, a big area of concern is that you do not mention the PA profession until almost your last paragraph.  If you are discussing your desire for PA school, then it should probably be worked early on into your essay.  Have you shadowed any PAs? If so, include the experience in the essay.  Remember you are telling a story about YOUR experiences. Make this statement YOUR story.

This is just from looking over it quickly and not a complete in depth review.