Personal Statement Review Please!

[koreanbbq]

Hey guys, was wondering if anyone can review my personal statement. It's still a working draft, a bit over the character limit, with some awkward phrases and wording. I also wrote submitted actual names with (name) in the statement.  I think I have a good set of growing and learning experiences to talk about but translating them and gearing them towards WHY i wish to be a PA is a bit difficult. Please give me honest and constructive feedback. Thank you for helping. Also willing to give input into other's statements as well. 

PA PERSONAL STATEMENT.docx

[albae]

I'll review it, if you review mines?

Hey guys, was wondering if anyone can review my personal statement. It's still a working draft, a bit over the character limit, with some awkward phrases and wording. I also wrote submitted actual names with (name) in the statement.  I think I have a good set of growing and learning experiences to talk about but translating them and gearing them towards WHY i wish to be a PA is a bit difficult. Please give me honest and constructive feedback. Thank you for helping. Also willing to give input into other's statements as well. 
PA PERSONAL STATEMENT.docx

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[nichole96]

This is a wonderful personal narrative essay that tells me quite a bit about yourself and your experiences. However, it barely answers the prompt. It felt becoming a PA was an afterthought tacked onto the end of a lovely essay about your growth in confidence. In this essay, there's a vast amount of detail about your experiences, but I wasn't able to connect these stories to your desire or qualifications to become a PA. To fix this, I would recommend a piece of advice my high school English teacher taught me - "kill your darlings." You might really like a story or phrase, but if it doesn't fit the purpose of the narrative, you need to get rid of it. 

I would create a new draft very specifically answering why you want to be a PA. How you found out about it, the steps you took to confirm your interest, the experiences with patients/people that made you certain you want to spend your life in this field. (A conversation with someone from the mental health support group would definitely fit). None of that needs to be flashy or impressive, but it does need to be genuine. After the framework is in place, you might be able to weave in some details from this essay.

I would also suggest finding and reading examples of successful personal statements - I read PA and MD applicants' personal statements to discover what I liked and didn't like about each. When I connected with an essay, I thought deeply about why it was effective (and same for the essays that bored me to tears). That may help you identify how your statement could improve.

I know this is a tough comment, but it's clear you're passionate, you've grown a lot as a person, and you have strong writing skills. Focusing on the experiences that have driven you to become a PA will make this a successful essay! Best of luck!

[MyPath]

I love your story but as @nichole96 said, I still don't fully understand why PA. It seemed like great experiences for self-growth but it doesn't answer why PA. Did you shadow any PAs? Did you have any contact with PAs while working as an MA? Why switch from MA to PA?

1. introduction: During my training as a medical assistant, I went through a series of mishaps- from spilling urine samples, forgetting how to prepare procedures, inefficiently managing time between each patient, to struggling to handle both clerical and clinical work. The stern face of Dr. (name) used to appear a cold one, making me stutter in any direct conversation. I had slowly doubted my abilities and prospects for working in healthcare. It took a series of time, repetition of tasks, self-reflection, self-acceptance, and experiences outside the realm of medicine for me to not only become a competent medical assistant but also become an assertive and compassionate individual who can balance both efficiency and empathy. Somehow tie it into PA profession. Did you shadow a PA? worked with them? 

2. Second paragraph: 

Experience shape identity and perspective. When I first entered (name of college) as a freshman, I had been a reserved individual who wanted to break out of his shell. Although I was pre-med (why did you choose premed to begin with? were you always interested in the medical field?) I kept an open mind about careers in the health field and pursued extracurricular activities to step out of my comfort zone in order to find myself. From joining my first-ever boy band to dance to Korean pop music at a cultural show (videos of which I still cringe at), diving into song-writing and poetry, to performing an original rap song at a spoken word poetry event, I came to appreciate art as a creative means of self-expression and personal growth. But I soon realized that song-writing and music were not solely a means of self-expression but also a form of therapy that reflects the sensibilities of human beings. My first exposure to such realization began at the spoken word poetry event, hosted by the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Although my initial intention for the event was to step out of my comfort zone to portray a creative and humorous aspect of showcasing hip-hop from the perspective of a reserved college student, I was moved by the other performances that portrayed pieces of human vulnerability and struggles of mental health. And through such experience, I was exposed to the therapeutic aspects of art, sensibilities of human emotion, and the power of empathy and compassion- all of which have impacted my medical assistant experience, as well as my identity. How did you use this experience as a medical assistant? any specific examples with a particular patient? 

3. Paragraph 3 can group your mental health support group experiences together but focus on how this experience will make you a good PA student and future PA. 

Thus, when my manager at the urology office, who happened to be a mental health counseling student, recommended that I check out a local support group for mental health under the (name) Foundation, I eagerly took the offer, viewing it as a great opportunity for me to explore the various dimensions of human vulnerability and healing process. The group meeting took place at (name) church, in a room with chairs arranged in a circle filled with unfamiliar faces. The facilitator opened up the group by acknowledging me as a newcomer and told us to take turns with the person next to you to briefly describe feelings experienced at that very moment. The response of the group was inviting and comforting, as members shared their similar first experiences with the group and their anxieties. I learned to become actively engaged with one another, not just focusing on ourselves- a core tenet of empathy that I began to learn and practice. I also became more involved,  I took on leadership roles as a co-facilitator to guide the group into discussions and activities, create basic rules and structure while allowing flexibility for change in group dynamics, and allocate time for each individual’s sharing while giving more time to those who are struggling deeply. As a co-facilitator, I began to appreciate working in a team, as I worked with the facilitator to learn and interchange various ideas/approaches to guiding group sessions. 

4. Paragraph 4 about your work as a medical assistant. during the year how did your leadership and empathy skills help with patient interaction? why the switch from MA to PA specifically? 

5. Conclusion paragraph: (still doesn't answer why PA? NPs, MAs, nurses, etc can use empathy...)

I believe you have some great experiences, maybe you need to focus on just one story and trim away the rest about self-growth. It is great that you grew since entering college, but the main prompt is why do you want to be a PA. I believe your role in the mental health support group can be a good foundation for your PS. It took me forever to write my own PS, so good luck! I'm just saying how I felt after a first couple reads. Hope you understand!