Seeking thoughts on first draft

[sbailey3363]

I have found writing about myself in the context to be one of the most difficult things I have ever written. For whatever reason, I have spent hours in front of my computer writing and erasing over and over until I've lost all sense of direction and end up putting my essay away for the day. However, I finally have a somewhat cohesive first draft and I'm looking for a few outside readers to look over it and offer opinions. 

I know that, above all, I lack a common thread/theme to tie it all together. Any suggestions on flow would be appreciated. It's also over on characters by a bit, so suggest places to cut! Thanks!

 

 

Approaching the operating table, I unlaced my sterile hands and allowed the surgeon to guide my palm into the chest cavity and over the patient’s heart. It was hard to believe that only an hour had passed since my fingers were intertwined with her own. Her wrinkled forehead was etched with anxiety and I empathised with her apprehension as I nervously prepared to assist in my first heart surgery as a new surgical nursing assistant (SNA). Now, my own heart pounded under my surgical gown. I watched, mesmerized, as Tom, the PA, assisted the surgeon in methodically sewing on the bypass grafts. Their hands rendered a synchronized performance perfected by teamwork and years of experience. Even after the surgeon pulled off his gloves and began to prepare for his next case, Tom continued working. As he meticulously secured all the dressings before transporting her to the ICU where he would continue to monitor her progress, I was amazed by the extent of care that he had given and the trust that he shared with the surgeon. As I pursue a career as a physician assistant, it is commitment such as Tom’s that motivates and inspires me.

 

When I first learned of the PA profession in college, I was certain that I had found the answer to my calling. The flexibility of career choices, team-based approach to care and the opportunity to continuously learn through a hands-on approach before and after certification drew me in as an idyllic career. Wanting to experience the job firsthand, I began to shadow Lindsay, a PA I had met through a preceptorship course my senior year. As I followed her hurried footsteps during morning rounds, I began to truly understand the impact a PA can have on their patients. Each time Lindsey entered a room, she would bend down to the patients’ bedside to talk to them face to face about concerns and prognoses, connecting with them personally and professionally. She gained their trust, listened to their stories and offered genuine empathy and medical advice in return, all while collaborating with her attending, floor nurses and hospital social worker.  

 

Validated by this experience, I worked tirelessly my last year of college to prepare myself for a career as a PA. I balanced upper-level biology courses with a part-time job and a volunteer position in the family room of a children’s hospital. In the final months of college while my closest friends were applying to graduate programs and starting their careers, I decided to take a different route by accepting a grant to teach English in Mexico for nine months. What I saw as an opportunity to work with a disadvantaged community and strengthen my Spanish became one of the biggest challenges I had ever faced. Each day I stood in front of a classroom, instructing students of varied skill levels and diverse backgrounds with minimal resources. In some schools, the entire building shared two printers and their makeshift whiteboards consisted of cork board, painted white and covered in plastic wrap. With only minor tutoring experience to draw from, each day was a new challenge that included mid-class improvisation and learning to communicate effectively for my changing audience, all while learning to live in a foreign country. However, what began as a chance to explore a new country and culture, turned into a formative experience that has compelled me to continue working with underserved populations, using my science, Spanish and teaching background to educate and treat patients.

 

Upon returning to the US, I became CNA-certified and began working in the OR of a local hospital where I have learned that the fast-paced, team-driven energy of a hospital are elements on which I thrive. As an SNA, my role is constantly evolving, making each shift a new challenge. On a given day, I may be scrubbed in, holding retractors or scopes to help a physician or PA, or I may be assisting my nurse by transporting patients and helping to prepare them for surgery. In the last eight months working in the OR, I have given chest compressions, assisted in emergency surgeries and witnessed disappointing results from surgery, training me to be efficient in high-stress situations and to improvise when necessary. What remains constant, however, is the gratification I feel from being a part of a system that so intimately affects each of our patients’ lives. Working shoulder to shoulder with nurses, physicians, PAs, scrub techs and anesthesia has given me insight on how each member works together to accomplish quality patient care each day.  While I am only one member of these intricate teams, I have found that my initiative to constantly learn and my compassion for our patients has allowed me to contribute in a way that I am proud of.

 

At the end of the day, nothing is more rewarding than getting a nervous patient to crack a smile or feeling them relax as I hold their hand before surgery. Still, I consider myself limited to a role that does not adequately allow me to serve the community that has given me so much. I believe my clinical experience as an SNA, my volunteer experience in various hospitals and teaching assistantship have been the perfect stepping stones in my journey to become a competent and compassionate physician assistant, capable of a lasting impact on patients’ lives and the healthcare field itself.  

[kko0403]

Hi!

I think your content is excellent- really captivating, interesting, and gave me the chills! I have a few suggestions, primarily regarding grammar and areas where you can be more concise. You had some run on sentences that would read much better if you could break them into multiple, smaller sentences! This would also reduce the character count.

Here are some examples: 

Make sure that you have consistent subject/pronoun agreement. For example: As I followed her hurried footsteps during morning rounds, I began to truly understand the impact a PA can have on their patients. You referred to singular PA as "their." It would be better to say "I began to truly understand the impact PAs can have on their patients" 

"nothing is more rewarding than getting a nervous patient to crack a smile or feeling them relax as I hold their hand before surgery" again, make sure to say "nothing is more rewarding than getting nervous patients to crack a smile or feeling them relax as I hold their hands before surgery."

"In the last eight months working in the OR, I have given chest compressions, assisted in emergency surgeries and witnessed disappointing results from surgery, training me to be efficient in high-stress situations and to improvise when necessary." This was a run on sentence that needs to be more concise. Try: "In the last eight months, I have given chest compressions, assisted in emergency surgeries, and witnessed disappointing surgery results. My OR experience has allowed me to practice efficiency and improvisation in high-stress situations." 

""What remains constant, however, is the gratification I feel from being a part of a system that so intimately affects each of our patients’ lives."  This would read better as: "I am constantly driven by the gratification I feel from being part of a system that so intimately affects our patients' lives" 

This: "my journey to become a competent and compassionate physician assistant, capable of a lasting impact on patients’ lives and the healthcare field itself." Did you mean to say "capable of making a lasting impact on patients' lives"? 

"As he meticulously secured all the dressings before transporting her to the ICU where he would continue to monitor her progress, I was amazed by the extent of care that he had given and the trust that he shared with the surgeon" This sentence was very difficult to understand. I think it would be much better to say "He meticulously secured the dressings and then transported her to the ICU, where he continued to monitor her progress. He had a trustful relationship with the surgeon and I was amazed by his level of care." This edit makes it MUCH more clear and actually takes up ~22 less characters in word count! 

"However, what began as a chance to explore a new country and culture, turned into a formative experience that has compelled me to continue working with underserved populations, using my science, Spanish and teaching background to educate and treat patients." This would read better as: "A chance to explore a new country and culture turned into a formative experience that has inspired me to work with underserved populations. I can utilize my Spanish and knowledge of medicine to educate and treat these patients." 

Hope this was helpful! 

[sbailey3363]

Thanks kko0403 !! I appreciate your input! I'll make appropriate changes to make my sentences shorter and more concise.  I definitely have a problem with run-on ideas but your suggestions pointed to some great ways to write more clearly and cut down on characters.