Updated PS - Can anyone be brutally honest with me?

[ProspectiveHealth]

A year ago I posted my personal statement on here and I got tough love for it - which I super appreciated! I never did apply last year's cycle because life got in the way but I'm feeling like 2018 is my year and I'm tired of sitting here and not at least giving it a chance and applying. Anyway, please let me know what you think! I really need the help and any and all comments on it will make me over the moon :) Thank you so much for taking the time to read it.

The question on CASPA is - Please explain why you are interested in being a Physician Assistant.

 

Personal Statement 2.docx

[Aware]

I read through your updated PS as well as your original PS. The difference in the quality and substance between the two is night and day. This is not to say that your work here is done, however. As it is, your updated PS is far from polished and still needs a fair amount of work.

Some quick notes:

You're currently over the character limit by 770. No need to worry here, though, you have tendency to be verbose and have quite a few sentences that can be omitted without subtracting much from the content. 

Erroneous statements: "having more time to see patients," not in this world.

Some ideas need to be fleshed out, more showing and less telling. Adding on to this, I'm not sure exactly how much PCE you have, but you didn't mention anything about it except for a casual sentence in your concluding paragraph.

I will try to go through and mark up exactly what I mean and send it to you if I have time. It's way too late now and I should best be in bed. 

[ProspectiveHealth]

Wow. Thank you so much for your response you're awesome :) I do agree I need to add more about my PCE but I just don't know how without going over 2 pages! It's really hard. I'm going back and trying my best to make my sentence shorter. 

[ProspectiveHealth]

Since posting this question I've updated my Personal Statement so if anyone can do a quick skim through and let me know what you think I would greatly appreciate it! <3

 

Personal Statement REVISED

[Anachronist]

43 minutes ago, ProspectiveHealth said:

Since posting this question I've updated my Personal Statement so if anyone can do a quick skim through and let me know what you think I would greatly appreciate it! <3

 

Personal Statement (2)

The Google Doc requires permission. But based on the first one I agree with Aware. A tad bit verbose and the story could use a bit more fluidity. Also a bit overly specific concerning how you came to find yourself applying to PA programs.

Would recommend more continuous flow, less verbosity and cliche phrases, and less drawn out specificity (e.g. you don't have to explain why you would rather be a PA than a NP or a MD, just explain why you want to be a PA). <- That was the same advice I got too (the only thing you end up doing is stating the obvious, and/or exposing gaps in your understanding).

On the up side, sounds very sincere and shows you can relate to the patient experience, also demonstrates personal growth over time. 

[ProspectiveHealth]

4 minutes ago, Anachronist said:

The Google Doc requires permission. But based on the first one I agree with Aware. A tad bit verbose and the story could use a bit more fluidity. Also a bit overly specific concerning how you came to find yourself applying to PA programs.

Would recommend more continuous flow, less verbosity and cliche phrases, and less drawn out specificity (e.g. you don't have to explain why you would rather be a PA than a NP or a MD, just explain why you want to be a PA). <- That was the same advice I got too (the only thing you end up doing is stating the obvious, and/or exposing gaps in your understanding).

On the up side, sounds very sincere and shows you can relate to the patient experience, also demonstrates personal growth over time. 

Rats, sorry! I made it public now - Personal Statement REVISED

I agree with what you're saying and to be honest those were the parts that I felt super iffy about anyway :) I changed it quite a bit and think it's a bit more fleshed out now. 

[Anachronist]

Looks quite good, at this point it becomes an issue of style, and everyone speaks best in their own voice. Don't be afraid to sleep on it for a couple days and revisit it several times. I think I revised/rewrote mine at least 4 or 5 times, and I consider myself an"efficient" writer.

Only 2 points. 1 - I would suggest instead of "despite something something autonomy" to make it positive (e.g. something about the benefit of being part of a healthcare team), or leave out that sentence altogether.

2 - I'm not a historian (so if you know for sure, disregard the following), but I don't know how accurate the WWII/veteran thing is. The first PA program at Duke was in 1965, 20 years after the end of the war. My grandfather graduated from med school in the mid 50's and he was too young to serve in WWII. I would imagine most of the first PAs were not WWII vets (unless they were unusually old at the time for some reason; ~37 at a minimum), thus I don't see the connection.

[Doppio_Espresso]

If it were my PS, I would entirely delete your first paragraph. I think your 2nd paragraph is strong and catchy enough to be your introduction. 

[ProspectiveHealth]

On 4/12/2018 at 3:11 PM, Anachronist said:

Looks quite good, at this point it becomes an issue of style, and everyone speaks best in their own voice. Don't be afraid to sleep on it for a couple days and revisit it several times. I think I revised/rewrote mine at least 4 or 5 times, and I consider myself an"efficient" writer.

Only 2 points. 1 - I would suggest instead of "despite something something autonomy" to make it positive (e.g. something about the benefit of being part of a healthcare team), or leave out that sentence altogether.

2 - I'm not a historian (so if you know for sure, disregard the following), but I don't know how accurate the WWII/veteran thing is. The first PA program at Duke was in 1965, 20 years after the end of the war. My grandfather graduated from med school in the mid 50's and he was too young to serve in WWII. I would imagine most of the first PAs were not WWII vets (unless they were unusually old at the time for some reason; ~37 at a minimum), thus I don't see the connection.

I agree with your points and will revise. I read the history of the PA profession wrong haha I gotta change that.

[ProspectiveHealth]

On 4/15/2018 at 0:14 AM, Doppio_Espresso said:

If it were my PS, I would entirely delete your first paragraph. I think your 2nd paragraph is strong and catchy enough to be your introduction. 

I've heard this from a couple different people as well so I will go ahead and do that. Definitely gives me space for more characters. Thanks!

[Doppio_Espresso]

Np! Good luck with your revisions. Remember, your PS should be about YOU so don't waste any space talking about the history of the profession. 

[ProspectiveHealth]

Okay guys - I swear this is the final time I bother everyone but I changed my PS quite a bit with the help of everyone's advice and some from people I know in person. Let me know what you think this time :))

 

Personal Statement ROUND 3