Help...drowning

[pa7278]

I realize I’m about to sound like a crazy person, but I really need some advice and perspective. 

 

I got accepted off the waitlist to an amazing PA program earlier this year, after thinking I wasn’t going to get in my first round and reapplying. I felt I couldn’t pass up an opportunity like this, so I had less than six weeks to completely uproot my life and move across the country, away from family and long-time boyfriend. I have had anxiety issues in the past that usually revolve around change, but I had always gotten through them after an initial adjustment period. While living at home for two years my anxiety also had completely diminished, leaving me to think I was on the right path and had conquered it for the most part. 

 

Anyways I am now finishing up my first semester in the next month and I’ve never felt this miserable, low, and hopeless in my entire life. My anxiety has been the worst its ever been, to the point where I lost a bunch of weight from continuous nausea, vomiting, and no appetite. My whole body shakes for no apparent reason, I feel spaced out and fuzzy headed, like I’m walking around in a dream. My heart pounds out of my chest, and I started having nocturnal panic attacks and insomnia. My advisor knows about this, and I’ve been seeing the school counselor as well as a PCP. Tried two different SSRIs and had horrible reactions to them, and have been on a different AD for the past two months, which initially helped the anxiety but left me a bit sedated during the day, now it seems to be losing its effect. I also feel like now I’ve sunken into a deep depression for the first time. I cry daily about the tiniest things, can barely get out of bed most days, and feel like there’s no way I can make it through this program. My grades have been slipping, I’ve been working harder than I ever have in my life and I’m getting Cs and have failed a few exams. I just feel so overwhelmed with the volume of information being thrown at me and like I can’t keep up. 

 

Did I pick the wrong career path? I’m worried that this means I don’t have what it takes to be a PA. I’m also terrified that I’ll get halfway through and fail out and then be buried in student debt. Should I cut my losses and quit? I feel so ashamed to even think that, as I’ve never quit anything before. However something needs to change because I don’t feel healthy. However I feel like a disappointment to my family, friends, and the professors/employers who wrote me extensive letters of recommendation. I worked a shift at my old job at the hospital over break hoping it would inspire me, and I was just filled with dread at the pressure the PAs and physicians are under. I never remember feeling this way before I started school. Any advice would be appreciated, I know I sound like a wreck right now

[narcan]

It's easy to see how this happened. you were thrust into a new, very stressful environment that you were not expecting. kudos to you for taking on the challenge, but this was clearly a stressor for your worsening symptoms. add to that you're away from your support system and you're in the hardest semester of school of your life. so don't worry that this means you don't have what it takes to be a PA. it means that you're understandably struggling in a difficult environment.

now, what do you do about this semester? the question is: can you get your symptoms under sufficient control that you'll be able to remain competent in your classes and not be behind the 8-ball after christmas break? you've got to see a light at the end of the tunnel right now. I think your advisor is probably in the best position to help you determine that. you're already on the hook for this semester's tuition, so you might as well try, but not if you've already reached a point where you won't be able to move on in the program and not if you're going to be pushed past your breaking point. this is a tough logistical problem you have to consider.

what can you do in the short term? a couple of ideas:
1) meditate daily. twice daily. you've got to slow your brain down and re-center yourself so that your brain can absorb the information you're trying to put in there. right now, you're in total fight or flight mode. you've got to re-establish control.

2) go see a real psychologist/therapist who does cognitive behavioral therapy. also, go see a real psychiatrist who can quickly adjust your meds and get you on a better regimen. your pcp may not understand the gravity of the situation. "try this for 6 weeks and get back to me" isn't going to cut it for you right now.

3) if you can find a way to take a weekend off and get out of town, go see the boyfriend, play with a whole fuckton of puppies, then do that ASAP. sacrifice the schoolwork for your sanity. you've got to give your mind a break and try to feel a little more normal.

ultimately, your health is more important than money, school, or what others think of you. if you have to take the rest of the year off and start again next fall, then that's what you do, and you use that time to get your medications squared away, your routines in place, your meditation game up to spec, and then you approach this thing fully prepared. it's hard to be successful when you weren't set up for success, so don't be so hard on yourself.

slow down. breathe. the sun will rise tomorrow so long as you let it.

[UGoLong]

You have to get control of yourself first.

Based on your comments, I would suggest decelerating after this semester ends, going back home for the year, and deciding if you want to come back. You could use that time to work on your anxiety and to reexplore your career choices.

Life is too short to be miserable.


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[pa7278]

Thank you both so much for your replies and suggestions, I will look into all of them. I have been attempting to learn how to meditate so I am going to try to make that more of a routine part of my day. 

It’s discouraging to be struggling this much when I’ve worked so hard to be here. I know it isn’t the worst thing if I decelerate but it certainly feels that way in the moment, and it’s unsettling to find myself questioning if I can handle this career path. The student loan debt is also a major stressor, and I think I put a lot of pressure on myself. 

 

[SHU-CH]

A few random observations:

-You are not alone in your feelings. Sometimes when things go bad we have a tendency to feel isolated. This is not the case. Many of your classmates are struggling, and many of them just hide it better. 

-You have the ability to improve your performance. Your intelligence and skills are not fixed and you can improve both with the right tools. 

-It sounds like you are working yourself into exhaustion. You may need to find a different way of doing things. If you study for 4 hours and the technique does not work, using the same technique for 10 hours is usually not a good strategy. 

-While perhaps not your favorite option, you may need a medical leave to get your feet under you. Titrating meds can take weeks - you are essentially trying chemical experiments on your brain while under tremendous stress. 

The other advice above is good. Hang in there!

[gbrothers98]

While you have gotten good advice above, of most importance is to determine if you are providing an escalation of commitment to a losing course of action. Since this is the first semester, the poor performance will leave you with a poor base to build the next 2 semesters on. Your description of current health issues is not consistent with a well controlled condition. Investigate your options for a leave of absence if this a path you will follow with certainty. Return after your current challenges are addressed sufficiently. Alternatively, you may qualify to withdraw completely due to medical concerns. While there may be disappointment on your part, it does not sound like the basis for a long career as a PA is being developed currently. Take a step back and use the time to gain perspective, then come to a decision. While this may feel like failure, it is not. We all have desires and hopes of what our life will be but reality can provide twists and turns to our destinations. Good luck. George

[Dabba]

My first semester was very rough as well. I learned that whatever skeletons you have in the closet, no matter how well hidden away will come out. For me, PA school plus some other life circumstances took my depression that I was always able to control by shear force of will and made me experience it in the worst way I've known. After some convincing, I went and saw someone, got some meds, and I'm back to baseline.

1) Maybe try another SSRI or another class of antidepressants? It's possible a third SSRI will also give you a bad reaction but you never know, a of it is trial and error with that and it takes time to take effect, which sucks when you're in the midst of the program.

2) Try to find time for yourself. If you're so stressed you can't focus, you're not studying effectively anyway. Take time for yourself. Take some nights or weekend days off. Take study breaks to mess around. If you can afford to make some extra time for your own sanity at the cost of moving an A to a B+, do it. As long as you're not failing or in danger, you may have some wiggle room. Don't think of it as wasting time, think of it as taking time to make sure you can study effectively.

3) Me personally.. I don't look more than two weeks out of our calender unless it's something BIG. If I saw everything come up I'd go crazy. Take it one step at a time.

4) Foregoing sleep and food will only exacerbate things. If working out is your thing, try to make time for that too during the week.

5) Make friends in the class. Study with them. Go out and get smashed with them. Stress with them. My classmates are my family here. I don't know how it would be possible without them.

 

Good luck

[mhgutierrez02]

FOLLOW my blog for more tips , I just graduated from PA school December 2017. 

melissa-gutierrez.simplesite.com