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Why are there so many poorly written Personal Statements?

By Iain1028
in Personal Statements

Why are there so many poorly written PS?  

102 members have voted

  1. 1. Why are there so many poorly written PS?

    • It is a function of our failing public education system
      15
    • The importance of English Grammar is not a priority these days
      22
    • I blame it on texting, after all texting has created its own language
      4
    • Some PS writers don't realize they are actually applying to graduate school
      23
    • Some people just post their first draft and expect others to write it for them
      47

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delco714

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ok ok, I'll honestly post my PS that "got me into PA school" (all the schools I applied to). This was tough to keep editing to shorten for the character max and stuff, and in honestly I think it's ok, but not amazing:

 

“Steve, your mom has been diagnosed with MS.” I was thirteen when told my mom had Multiple Sclerosis. I was filled with anxiety; I had no idea what having MS meant.

 

At that age, I already aspired to get my Ph.D in clinical psychology. I wanted to help people with their personal issues. I carried this notion until I was finishing freshman year. I was in psychology class when I realized medicine would be a better career choice. The professor was discussing Alzheimer’s when I discovered this topic was of interest to me. I yearned to learn more. I decided to become a Medical Doctor. Thereafter, I researched the requirements for medical school, and began volunteering at Winthrop University Hospital.

 

At Winthrop, I was stationed in the ER, which has many subdivisions (i.e. trauma, and pediatrics), so I only saw the moderately ill or injured. My duties consisted of taking body fluid samples to the lab, and providing water to patients. On a neurology floor, I had the opportunity to speak with a patient; he had his second transient ischemic attack. He told me what occurred, but we did not talk about his condition, we talked about sports. I realized that I want to help heal the mind and body of patients. I see patients as people, not just statistics.

 

During my second “pre-med” semester, I learned of the PA profession, in which I further investigated. What I found was a profession filled with healthcare providers that are caring and driven, set out to help people. It was then that I decided to apply for PA school.

 

The thought of applying to PA school was really exciting after I shadowed PAs at Winthrop. I shadowed general medicine PAs, an ER PA, and a PA performing femoral artery catheters. Each had a unique form of patient contact. I witnessed the PA profession for what it is: a caregiver. PAs prescribe medicine and cast broken bones, but they also have to manage the interpersonal aspect of patient care. It is not an easy profession, and I prefer that. For me, the biggest challenges always yielded the biggest rewards. It is a rewarding profession, and I would be ecstatic if I could be a part of it.

 

I feel I am uniquely qualified to be a Physician Assistant student. My psychology background awards me insight into behavior and thought. I am also taking medicine related courses. I have been certified as a Phlebotomist and EKG Technician. Currently, I am working as a pediatric medical assistant. I also draw from personal experiences. As stated, my mom has MS. Besides giving her injections weekly, I also deal with her symptoms. I accompany her to the neurologist, and I enjoy learning from their relationship. I, until recently, have suffered from chronic rhinitis and severe allergies. Seasonal changes would leave me sick for weeks. I found a doctor that really helped me. I would like to be the one that “works with” the patient, forms a relationship, and helps them the best I can.

 

 

 

SO what say you, you Mothras of the PA world (haha). Is it related to feces?

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Firemedic13

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My patient looked up at me pleedingly and said "am I gonna die"? I told her "I'm not gonna let that happen", and in that moment I knew that I could save her, but I wanted to be able to do more. All of my life I have wanted to be a doctor, and when I went to college I Studied really hard, but it wasn't good enough and I olny got a 3.5 GPA with a 3.0 Science GPA. I went ahead and took my MCAT too, but didn't score well enough to apply or be accepted so I thought my dreams were over and that I would never be able to help people again in my life.

 

After my failed try for medical school I went to business school where I did really well.

 

I decided to keep volunteering at the firehouse and got to save a patients life when we got to her house and she was having a stroke and I helped her into the ambulance and got her to the hospital less than 4 hours after she started having a headache. This moment solidified my knowledge that I am destined to help people, and I think that my experience shadowing PA Smith at the ER and my volunteer work have provided me with excellent skills and along with my innate compassion I have the traits of a successful Physicians assistant.

 

Oh G-d, I think I threw up a little in my mouth....

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Firemedic13

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SO what say you, you Mothras of the PA world (haha). Is it related to feces?

 

So the first couple sentences were, in my opinion, not good. But the rest was well written, honest, well thought out, and generally good. In fact, if you totally changed the first few sentences (which just didn't tie in with the psychology thing afterwards) it could be great. If I were on an ADCOM I would at least give you an interview.

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delco714

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So the first couple sentences were, in my opinion, not good. But the rest was well written, honest, well thought out, and generally good. In fact, if you totally changed the first few sentences (which just didn't tie in with the psychology thing afterwards) it would be great. If I were on an ADCOM I would at least give you an interview.

 

thanks! too late now though ;) ha

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USN2UNC

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Something like this:

I want to help people. ever since I learned about pa's last week when I talked to one at the grocery store it has been my life's ambition. I am halfway through my home ec. degree with a 2.5 gpa at nowhere state U.

math and science are hard but I get all b's in the classes that are not science related.

I spent almost 8 hrs shadowing a pa and know all about the profession. I know that I want to work in derm or plastic surgery so I can make a physician level salary and not take call. my daddy is a dr and says pa is a good job for girls. if you pick me I will make wicked margaritas for everyone in class once I turn 21 and can legally purchase alcohol.

 

Ha!...I like totally want one of those wicked margaritas

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rev ronin

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SO what say you, you Mothras of the PA world (haha). Is it related to feces?

 

Eh. I'd give it a B, but it apparently did the job for you just fine. If I were editing it, here's a few things I would have asked you to change:

* Occasional awkward phrasing "psychology background awards..." seems an odd phrasing. A profession is not "a caregiver", so that could have been connected a bit better.

* You said "feel" when you meant "believe." Pet peeve of mine, but an Adcom member used to lousy statements probably wouldn't dock you any for that.

* Mixing up the sentence structure to use "I" less. In fact, there are a lot of very straightforward sentences here--lots of opportunity to combine them and spice things up. For example, I try to avoid using "I" twice in the same sentence.

Old: "I carried this notion until I was finishing freshman year."

New: "I carried this notion until the end of my freshman year."

Minor change, but it adds a bit of variety.

 

It does have a logical flow, explains things adequately, describes things that I wouldn't expect to see elsewhere in your CASPA app, and covers the expected ground. So many of the others I see here don't even have that.

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Firemedic13

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Wow some good stuff on here guys. LOL big time.

 

How about this opener for a PS?

 

"Swoosh!! Fingers missing, blood everywhere! I knew at that moment being a carnival ride operator was not for me...".

 

Because of the damage they were only able to sew back on my middle finger and my thumb. Living with my disability, and constantly accidentally giving people the bird was very difficult for me until I met a kindly PA while chewing tobacco outside the hospital during my baby sister's fifteenth delivery....

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Iain1028

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"Swoosh!! Fingers missing, blood everywhere! I knew at that moment being a carnival ride operator was not for me. Because of the damage they were only able to sew back on my middle finger and my thumb. Living with my disability, and constantly accidentally giving people the bird was very difficult for me until I met a kindly PA while chewing tobacco outside the hospital during my baby sister's fifteenth delivery....".

 

 

OK we almost have first paragraph done, who's next?

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EMSArtist

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Swoosh!! Fingers missing, blood everywhere! I knew at that moment being a carnival ride operator was not for me. Because of the damage they were only able to sew back on my middle finger and my thumb. Living with my disability, and constantly accidentally giving people the bird was very difficult for me until I met a kindly PA while chewing tobacco outside the hospital during my baby sister's fifteenth delivery. He had him a pretty nice haircut and his shoes looked mighty expensive, but he was alright when I asked him where to get me a motel room. I decided then and there that I was gonna be like him someday.

 

 

next?

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Iain1028

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Swoosh!! Fingers missing, blood everywhere! I knew at that moment being a carnival ride operator was not for me. Because of the damage they were only able to sew back on my middle finger and my thumb. Living with my disability, and constantly accidentally giving people the bird was very difficult for me until I met a kindly PA while chewing tobacco outside the hospital during my baby sister's fifteenth delivery. He had him a pretty nice haircut and his shoes looked mighty expensive, but he was alright when I asked him where to get me a motel room. I decided then and there that I was gonna be like him someday.

 

After checking into the Shady-Hills Motel, with my new friend Byron, an ex-con with a bad temper, we decided to find that Physician's assistant with the nice shoes, we were determined to find out exactly what it was that he did, and where he got that great haircut, when suddenly...

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Firemedic13

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Swoosh!! Fingers missing, blood everywhere! I knew at that moment being a carnival ride operator was not for me. Because of the damage they were only able to sew back on my middle finger and my thumb. Living with my disability, and constantly accidentally giving people the bird was very difficult for me until I met a kindly PA while chewing tobacco outside the hospital during my baby sister's fifteenth delivery. He had him a pretty nice haircut and his shoes looked mighty expensive, but he was alright when I asked him where to get me a motel room. I decided then and there that I was gonna be like him someday.

 

After checking into the Shady-Hills Motel, with my new friend Byron, an ex-con with a bad temper, we decided to find that Physician's assistant with the nice shoes, we were determined to find out exactly what it was that he did, and where he got that great haircut, when suddenly...

 

Byron began to really freak out from the meth and shroom cocktail he had eaten a few hours before. Having just met such an inspiring figure (the PA with the haircut) I immediately knew what to do. I began by shoving frozen food products down Byron's pants, and placed him in the shower. I had heard that you needs to drink 8 glasses of water a day, so I opened his mouth to let the shower water in. Thus begins my extensive health care experience...

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Iain1028

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Swoosh!! Fingers missing, blood everywhere! I knew at that moment being a carnival ride operator was not for me. Because of the damage they were only able to sew back on my middle finger and my thumb. Living with my disability, and constantly accidentally giving people the bird was very difficult for me until I met a kindly PA while chewing tobacco outside the hospital during my baby sister's fifteenth delivery. He had him a pretty nice haircut and his shoes looked mighty expensive, but he was alright when I asked him where to get me a motel room. I decided then and there that I was gonna be like him someday.

 

After checking into the Shady-Hills Motel, with my new friend Byron, an ex-con with a bad temper, we decided to find that Physician's assistant with the nice shoes, we were determined to find out exactly what it was that he did, and where he got that great haircut, when suddenly...Byron began to really freak out from the meth and shroom cocktail he had eaten a few hours before. Having just met such an inspiring figure (the PA with the haircut) I immediately knew what to do. I began by shoving frozen food products down Byron's pants, and placed him in the shower. I had heard that you needs to drink 8 glasses of water a day, so I opened his mouth to let the shower water in. Thus begins my extensive health care experience.

 

Paragraph III anyone, this is going to be a killer PS!! (We'll check punctuation later-no forget punctuation, not that important)

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EMSArtist

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Swoosh!! Fingers missing, blood everywhere! I knew at that moment being a carnival ride operator was not for me. Because of the damage they were only able to sew back on my middle finger and my thumb. Living with my disability, and constantly accidentally giving people the bird was very difficult for me until I met a kindly PA while chewing tobacco outside the hospital during my baby sister's fifteenth delivery. He had him a pretty nice haircut and his shoes looked mighty expensive, but he was alright when I asked him where to get me a motel room. I decided then and there that I was gonna be like him someday.

 

After checking into the Shady-Hills Motel, with my new friend Byron, an ex-con with a bad temper, we decided to find that Physician's assistant with the nice shoes, we were determined to find out exactly what it was that he did, and where he got that great haircut, when suddenly...Byron began to really freak out from the meth and shroom cocktail he had eaten a few hours before. Having just met such an inspiring figure (the PA with the haircut) I immediately knew what to do. I began by shoving frozen food products down Byron's pants, and placed him in the shower. I had heard that you needs to drink 8 glasses of water a day, so I opened his mouth to let the shower water in. Thus begins my extensive health care experience.

 

Paragraph III anyone, this is going to be a killer PS!! (We'll check punctuation later-no forget punctuation, not that important)

 

Well whaddya know, but that PA that I met earlier was there at the hospital when the ambulance drivers took Byron in. Byron was in pretty bad shape and that PA said he had asspirated. I was pretty confused 'cause I thought Byron was really into the ladies. Anyhoos he told me that I needed a college degree if I wanna be a physician's assistant...

 

Next?

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Iain1028

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Swoosh!! Fingers missing, blood everywhere! I knew at that moment being a carnival ride operator was not for me. Because of the damage they were only able to sew back on my middle finger and my thumb. Living with my disability, and constantly accidentally giving people the bird was very difficult for me until I met a kindly PA while chewing tobacco outside the hospital during my baby sister's fifteenth delivery. He had him a pretty nice haircut and his shoes looked mighty expensive, but he was alright when I asked him where to get me a motel room. I decided then and there that I was gonna be like him someday.

 

After checking into the Shady-Hills Motel, with my new friend Byron, an ex-con with a bad temper, we decided to find that Physician's assistant with the nice shoes, we were determined to find out exactly what it was that he did, and where he got that great haircut, when suddenly...Byron began to really freak out from the meth and shroom cocktail he had eaten a few hours before. Having just met such an inspiring figure (the PA with the haircut) I immediately knew what to do. I began by shoving frozen food products down Byron's pants, and placed him in the shower. I had heard that you needs to drink 8 glasses of water a day, so I opened his mouth to let the shower water in. Thus begins my extensive health care experience.

 

Well whaddya know, but that PA that I met earlier was there at the hospital when the ambulance drivers took Byron in. Byron was in pretty bad shape and that PA said he had asspirated. I was pretty confused 'cause I thought Byron was really into the ladies. Anyhoos he told me that I needed a college degree if I wanna be a physician's assistant. While listening to the pA, I could hear Byron shouting at the nurses, he had ripped all his IVs, and was lunging at the doctors assistants, before anyone could stop him, Byron had grabbed the hemostats and began to use them like a prison shank, it was then, I really decided if I was a PA I could like totally help Byron with his nasty ex-con temper, maybe I could prescribe him some electroshock therapy or something or some kind of happy pills.

 

Paragraph IV....

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