Personal Statement - Criticisms welcome!

[ProspectiveHealth]

Hello everybody! I finished my PS just now and I wanted some feedback. This is my first attempt at writing one and I am sending this over to some people so it would help them write out LOR's for me (they already agreed on doing this and requested a PS). Thanks!

 

 

Personal Statement.docx

[VFord]

Hello. Your statement's content is good, however, there are some grammatical corrections you could make. The first sentence is a run-on and should be separated into two sentences following the word "age". In the second (now third) sentence, "When I first met her...," I would change pediatrics to pediatric because it is an adjective describing PA. I also would not put (PA) after physician assistant. I would take out any and all unnecessary words, such as "little" before head and "too" before major. In addition, I would generalize your experience with this patient. By using her name and describing her visit in detail, you are violating HIPAA laws, which they take pretty seriously. 

[ProspectiveHealth]

4 minutes ago, VFord said:

Hello. Your statement's content is good, however, there are some grammatical corrections you could make. The first sentence is a run-on and should be separated into two sentences following the word "age". In the second (now third) sentence, "When I first met her...," I would change pediatrics to pediatric because it is an adjective describing PA. I also would not put (PA) after physician assistant. I would take out any and all unnecessary words, such as "little" before head and "too" before major. In addition, I would generalize your experience with this patient. By using her name and describing her visit in detail, you are violating HIPAA laws, which they take pretty seriously. 

Thank you so much for your response. Since posting my personal statement, I have made a couple grammatical changes but I will look into your suggestions as well. 

That is not the real patient's name, that is a made-up name. Should I write a sentence stating such that way they know? 

Thanks! 

[MagicMorty]

Some additional feedback; there are quite a few long sentences that should be shortened (such as the 1st sentence).

Varying sentence lengths can help your PS structure.

This:

"I observed as the PA gave special attention to Desiree and gave her a thorough physical exam, taking her time ruling out diagnoses as she went and treated Desiree like she would her own child; giving her lots of smiles, tickles, and kisses as she examined her."

vs. something like this:

"I observed as the PA thoroughly examined Desiree, lavishing the child with affection even as she worked up a diagnosis."

[Corpsman2PA]

Agree with fixing the many run-on sentences.

I give this PS a C-. To me, it does not articulate WHY you want to be a PA. You could replace PA with NP/MD and it wouldn't change a thing. Also, you liked how the PA had more time with her patients? In what world? Most Adcoms will laugh at a statement like that.

Furthermore, during your struggles, you state "this only strengthened my desire to become a PA." How? Magically?

Personally, I would go back to the drawing board. Sorry if I'm sounding harsh, but tough love brings about the best change.

-C2PA


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