Please review my personal statement! Honest opinion appreciated

[Oneofmany1986]

I would greatly appreciate it, if anyone could give me their opinion on my personal statement letter! Edits are appreciated as well

While I was in high school my father once told me the great Muhammad Ali said, “Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth”.  That quote led me to enlist in the United States Air Force right out of high school. 11 years of active military service as an Air Force medic/EMT, countless hours of volunteering from a humanitarian mission during Hurricane Katrina, Habitat for Humanity, Meals of Wheels, teaching English at an orphanage in Korea, to being the lead medic for an Afghan child while deployed. I felt it was always my mission and duty to serve others.

During military career on active duty, numerous deployments, and positions of leaderships, I had the chance to fully grasp what it means to be apart of a team and make a difference because without me some of the brave men and women might not have come home. But one of the greatest positions of leadership I was given was a Pediatric Clinic Supervisor, and I was mainly in charge and oversaw our Pediatric Clinic subspecialties (Adolescent, Cardiology, Developmental, Endocrinology, G.I, Neurology and Pediatric surgery). But I wasn’t satisfied and I felt my mission to serve others were going unfulfilled. So I enrolled in school for Healthcare Administration, feeling like education was the void I was missing. Until a chance encountered with Air Force PA Major Adam Fritz, now by this time I had worked along side many amazing Doctors, Physician Assistants, and nurses, but few have impressed and inspired me with a deep desire and passion to become a Physician Assistant than Major Fritz. Not only had he exemplified the core values of the Air Force, but he is the prime example of what a physician assistant is and should always strive to become; compassionate, intelligent, composed, personable and an amazing team player. Working along side and shadowing Major Fritz, the one thing that stuck out to me the most was the respect given to him by patients, peers, co-workers, and subordinates not because of his rank, but because of his desire and enthusiasm to serve everyone he came in contact with.  I knew then and there that moving forward my goal was to become a Physician Assistant.

I am always proud of my service, but after 11 years active duty I decided to join the reserves and make it my mission to become a Physician Assistant. My military experience and extensive clinical background has armed me with maturity and life experiences to adapt well to the rigorous academic environment of a Physician Assistant program. I am confident that I can be a positive addition to a Physician Assistant program and I know that I have more to give back to my community by serving others as a Physician assistant, most important serving our great men, women of the military and veterans.

[TheLastStone]

It sounds pretty good. I noticed a few grammatical and spelling errors that you might want to go over twice, and maybe relate back to how the PA profession suits you better. I think all of your experiences, plus your service will make it pretty clear, but you mentioned that others hadn't inspired you like Major Fritz. That isn't necessarily coming off as demeaning towards the others, but it may seem as you want to become a PA because of what one person made you experience and not the profession as a whole, if that makes sense. 

Also, that middle paragraph is pretty chunky. I didn't bother to look after I read it, but if you can find a good spot to break it up into paragraphs, it'd be a lot more easy on the eyes for the adcoms that have to read it. They probably sit through reading dozens upon dozens a day, so if you can keep it to the point and neat and attractive for them, that'll be in your favor. I'd say it's already in your favor. I just try and look and think what would I want to look at and read.. would I look at a big paragraph and be like "oh, I'd read through this huge chunk" or would I probably be like "I'm not as thrilled to read this big thing." It's not crazy huge but I would try and break it in two if you can. But other than those things I'd say it seems pretty solid. Not too long, gets to the point... you don't get lost. 

Last but not least, thank your for your service, sir. 

[Guest HanSolo]

Intro quote is cliche and the first paragraph needs to tie back to being a PA. You don't even mention PA until mid-statement. Great job highlighting your experience as a supervisor in a pediatric clinic and relating it to being a team player. That's important and stands out. Grammatically speaking, you start a lot of sentences with coordinating conjunctions (FANBOYS = for and nor but or yet so). That's a grammar no-no. It's fine for less formal pieces, but I would clean that up for a personal statement.

Sounds like you have good experience overall. What's your word count at? I would be cautious of ending your statement with "most important." I understand you are proud of your military background and excited to work with vets in the future, but I would recommend staying general.

 

[Oneofmany1986]

16 hours ago, Michael Stone said:

It sounds pretty good. I noticed a few grammatical and spelling errors that you might want to go over twice, and maybe relate back to how the PA profession suits you better. I think all of your experiences, plus your service will make it pretty clear, but you mentioned that others hadn't inspired you like Major Fritz. That isn't necessarily coming off as demeaning towards the others, but it may seem as you want to become a PA because of what one person made you experience and not the profession as a whole, if that makes sense. 

Also, that middle paragraph is pretty chunky. I didn't bother to look after I read it, but if you can find a good spot to break it up into paragraphs, it'd be a lot more easy on the eyes for the adcoms that have to read it. They probably sit through reading dozens upon dozens a day, so if you can keep it to the point and neat and attractive for them, that'll be in your favor. I'd say it's already in your favor. I just try and look and think what would I want to look at and read.. would I look at a big paragraph and be like "oh, I'd read through this huge chunk" or would I probably be like "I'm not as thrilled to read this big thing." It's not crazy huge but I would try and break it in two if you can. But other than those things I'd say it seems pretty solid. Not too long, gets to the point... you don't get lost. 

Last but not least, thank your for your service, sir. 

Thanks Mike! You make complete sense about the Major Fritz and the PA profession, I thought i was working towards that in my personal statement but maybe could add more. 

[Oneofmany1986]

8 hours ago, HanSolo said:

Intro quote is cliche and the first paragraph needs to tie back to being a PA. You don't even mention PA until mid-statement. Great job highlighting your experience as a supervisor in a pediatric clinic and relating it to being a team player. That's important and stands out. Grammatically speaking, you start a lot of sentences with coordinating conjunctions (FANBOYS = for and nor but or yet so). That's a grammar no-no. It's fine for less formal pieces, but I would clean that up for a personal statement.

Sounds like you have good experience overall. What's your word count at? I would be cautious of ending your statement with "most important." I understand you are proud of your military background and excited to work with vets in the future, but I would recommend staying general.

 

Han Solo, thank you for your critique, I definitely will try and work on addressing the PA profession in the first paragraph. My word count is 477. With addressing my military service, I think stating that it's "most important" is clear indication that I want to work in primary care. 

[ajames]

CASPA limits at 5000 character count and currently you are only at about 2,500 so you have a lot of room to grow and add! Talk about your patient care experiences and include momentos. 

[KarenSheppard]

@Varous86 I completely agree with your saying, that "service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on Earth". Even my sister believes in serving the less fortunate people. She is also associated with the mission humanitaire and also recommended me to pop over here to help to serve the people are living in difficult circumstances.