help, review essay rough draft

[kffuturepa]

How is it that sometimes we find our purpose in tragedy. I lost my grandma to diabetes. Diabetes did not take mercy on her. It took her slowly, until there was nothing else to take. It started with her kidneys, they slowly stopped functioning, so she had to be placed on dialysis. Lucky for her, my aunts cared enough to be trained on the process, and she was able to have it done in her home, that's if you consider that lucky. The next thing diabetes took was her sight. It continued taking from her until there was nothing more to take. As if losing your sight was not enough, it took the sensation off of her feet, then it decided to take her toes and eventually her feet. What happens to a person that needs to be dialyzed every other day, can no longer see or walk? They slowly lose their will to live, until one day, that will is completely gone. It is an extremely difficult thing to watch someone you love, suffer on a daily basis. At the end of their journey, you find comfort in knowing that they are no longer suffering, but you also wonder, is there anything I could have done to prevent this? To my previous question, the PA profession was my answer.  

I believe that most medical problems can be prevented with the right care and knowledge, and if they cannot be prevented, they can be stopped from progressing. I want to become a PA because I want to keep people and their families from experiencing the pain my family and I went through with my grandma. I know it is not possible to save everyone, but I want the opportunity to at least try. I have always known I wanted to be a part of the medical field. Every time someone asks me, why do you want to be a physician assistant, my response is always because I cannot imagine being anything else. I placed myself in a job that would allow me to experience the duties of a physician assistant.  I have seeing the ins and outs. I have been a part of it, not as a PA, but as scribe that works very closely with them in the clinic or in the emergency department. Every day, I am amazed by their skills and knowledge. I learn something new, a new approach, a new technique, a new diagnosis, a new treatment with every shift, and I just want to keep on learning. I have learned how to differentiate a Bell's Palsy from a TIA or a stroke. I have learned the importance of the NIH stroke scale and the importance of properly assessing the score. I can tell you that a sudden sharp pain to your back and a positive CVA most likely means a kidney stone or pyelonephritis due to a urinary tract infection. A pain to your RLQ with a high white blood cell count and a positive McBurney's point could definitely be a sign for acute appendicitis or how an elevated amylase/lipase level accompanied by nausea and vomiting probably means pancreatitis, especially if that pain occurs after eating greasy/spicy foods. I have loved every single minute of working as a scribe. I cannot wait to start this career and apply everything I have and will learn. Physician assistants are not afraid or intimidated by how complicated a patient might be because of how prepared they are. They have this confidence because if they have a question about how to proceed with a patient, they have the benefit of consulting with the attending physician. There are limitations to how much we know, which is why this is one of the great benefits of the physician assistant career. My main goal as a provider would be to offer the best care to a patient, and knowing that I have the opportunity to ask for help or guidance from the supervising attending would allow me to do that. I also like the flexibility of the PA career. As a PA, you have the opportunity to work in different specialties, for me that is essential because I have multiple interests. I love working in the clinic setting as well as the ER, and by becoming a PA, I would have the opportunity to work in both.  

As a scribe working in the clinic, I have seen the high demand and need for PA's in South Texas, especially in the Rio Grande Valley. The Valley is a highly underserved area, especially when it comes to healthcare. The doctor I work with, has over 1,000 patients assigned to her. If it were not because of the PA's, she would not be able to provide the care they deserve. They make a huge difference. The gratitude they receive from the patients is unlike any other. I love South Texas and know that I can positively impact the community when it comes to their medical needs 

My goal is to enroll into a PA program that will prepare me with the adequate skills and knowledge that are necessary to provide the best medical attention the people from The Valley deserve. I know that the PA journey will be challenging and difficult, I am counting on it. I know this career requires excellence, and I am prepared to give it all that I have in order to succeed as a physician assistant. I understand my grades my first three semesters are not the best. It was not easy adapting to college after being in the same school for 12 years. Those grades do not reflex who I am as a student, once I adapted and found a new study method that works for me, my GPA improved. . I will continue to work until this goal has been achieved

[PAmethyst]

Reflex change to reflect...

Watch ur tenses. If sentence is past tense, keep it that way

[ajames]

How is it that sometimes we find our purpose in tragedy? I lost my grandmother to diabetes. Diabetes did not take mercy on her. It took her slowly, until there was nothing else to take. It started with her kidneys as they slowly stopped functioning and she had to be placed on dialysis. Lucky for her, my aunts underwent training so she could remain home, and she was able to have it done in her home, that's if you consider that lucky. (I think this sentence is kind of distracting and unnecessary and negative so just keep it simple).The next thing diabetes took was her sight. It continued taking from her until there was nothing left to take--the sensation off her feet, her toes, and eventually her feet. (This dash allows for drama and combining your next sentence into the previous in order to save characters). As if losing your sight was not enough, it took the sensation off of her feet, then it decided to take her toes and eventually her feet. What happens to a person that needs to receive dialysis every other day and can no longer see or walk? They slowly lose their will to live until their will is completely gone. It is an extremely difficult thing to watch someone you love suffer on a daily basis. (I took out the comma). At the end of their journey, you find comfort in knowing that they are no longer suffering, but you also wonder-- is there anything I could have done to prevent this? I found my answer in the PA profession. 

I believe that most medical problems can be prevented with the right care and knowledge, or medical conditions can be stopped from progressing. I want to become a PA because I want to keep people and their families from experiencing the pain my family and I went through with my grandma. I know it is not possible to save everyone, but I want the opportunity to at least try. I have always known I wanted to be a part of the medical field. Every time someone asks me, why do you want to be a physician assistant, my response is always because I cannot imagine being anything else. I placed myself in a job that would allow me to experience the duties of a physician assistant.  I have seeing the ins and outs. I have been a part of it, not as a PA, but as scribe that works very closely with them in the clinic or in the emergency department. Every day, I am amazed by their skills and knowledge. I learn something new, a new approach, a new technique, a new diagnosis, a new treatment with every shift, and I just want to keep on learning. I have learned how to differentiate a Bell's Palsy from a TIA or a stroke. I have learned the importance of the NIH stroke scale and the importance of properly assessing the score. I can tell you that a sudden sharp pain to your back and a positive CVA most likely means a kidney stone or pyelonephritis due to a urinary tract infection. A pain to your RLQ with a high white blood cell count and a positive McBurney's point could definitely be a sign for acute appendicitis or how an elevated amylase/lipase level accompanied by nausea and vomiting probably means pancreatitis, especially if that pain occurs after eating greasy/spicy foods. I have loved every single minute of working as a scribe. I cannot wait to start this career and apply everything I have and will learn. Physician assistants are not afraid or intimidated by how complicated a patient might be because of how prepared they are. They have this confidence because if they have a question about how to proceed with a patient, they have the benefit of consulting with the attending physician. There are limitations to how much we know, which is why this is one of the great benefits of the physician assistant career. My main goal as a provider would be to offer the best care to a patient, and knowing that I have the opportunity to ask for help or guidance from the supervising attending would allow me to do that. I also like the flexibility of the PA career. As a PA, you have the opportunity to work in different specialties, for me that is essential because I have multiple interests. I love working in the clinic setting as well as the ER, and by becoming a PA, I would have the opportunity to work in both.  

Rewrite:

I believe that most medical problems can be prevented with the right care and knowledge, or medical conditions can be stopped from progressing. I want to become a PA to keep people and their families from experiencing the pain my family and I went through with my grandma. As a scribe, I have worked closely with PAs in the emergency department. Every day, I am amazed by their skills and knowledge. With every shift, I learn something new such about a new technique, diagnosis, or treatment. Learning about the medical field and how to provide optimal patient care has been exciting. For instance, I have learned how to differentiate between Bell's Palsy and a TIA or a stroke. A pain to the RLQ with a high WBC and a positive McBurney's point could definitely be a sign for acute appendicitis. I have loved every minute of being a scribe, but I cannot wait to learn more in PA school. 

The PAs I work with are never intimidated by how complicated a patient might present due their preparation before encountering them. They exude confidence because of their ability to ask questions with a supervising physician. One of the main reasons the PA profession is so appealing is because of the comfort in asking for guidance from an SP and the flexibility it offers in specializing due to my multiple interests in subjects. From my experiences, I love working in both the clinical setting and the ER. By becoming a PA, I would have the opportunity in my life to practice in either setting. As a future PA, it is my goal to provide the best patient care I can by being prepared to take on difficult medical cases and work as a team to deliver optimal patient care.  

Reasons: 

There is a lot wordiness in this paragraph which is really long so I made it into two paragraphs and tried to condense your ideas. I don't think you need to elaborate on how certain symptoms can show certain diseases/conditions because I felt like it was too many examples so just choose like one or two. 

As a scribe working in the clinic, I have seen the high demand and need for PAs in South Texas, especially in the Rio Grande Valley. The Valley is a highly medically underserved area. The doctor I work with has over 1,000 patients assigned to her. If it were not because of the PAs, she would not be able to provide patients the care they deserve. PAs make a huge difference and the gratitude they receive from the patients is unlike any other. I love South Texas and know that I can positively impact my community when it comes to their medical needs. (be careful about saying you want to work in South Texas if you are planning on applying out of state).

My goal is to enroll into a PA program that will prepare me with the adequate skills and knowledge that are necessary to provide the best medical attention the people from The Valley deserve. I know that the PA journey will be challenging and difficult, I am prepared for it. I know this pursuit requires excellence, and I am prepared to give it all that I have in order to succeed as a physician assistant. I understand my grades my first three semesters are not the best. It was not easy adapting to college after being in the same school for 12 years. Those grades do not reflect who I am as a student. Once I adapted and found a new study method that worked for me, my GPA improved. I will continue to work hard until this goal has been achieved

Notes: Your last paragraph is not very strong. You need to add some more sentences that wrap up why you want to be a PA. Try to dig deep! I hope you find these changes that I have made and suggested helpful in your PS.