Rough Essay Critique, Non trad Opinions Appreciated

[smiththrs]

On June 19, 2010 at about 5PM my life changed forever; I found myself staring into the sky with several Marines loading me into a MedEVAC Blackhawk helicopter. I remember a flight nurse telling me everything is going to be alright before I decided that I wanted to go to sleep. I awoke almost two weeks later in Landstuhl, Germany with a litany of injuries and several questions. I was told by a very nice British nurse that I needed to phone my family so they could hear my voice. I was a twenty-year old Corporal with eleven subordinate Marines, I was happy to call my family but all I could think about was why I was staring at green grass and towering evergreen trees. I was told the terrible news that myself and nine others were casualties from several IED’s strung together in what is known as a daisy-chain. The next year was the most difficult year of my life as I recovered from several broken bones, a severe traumatic brain injury and was told I was no longer eligible to continue military service in the Infantry. There were several doctors in my care continuum that I can thank for pushing me through that year but more importantly, in my opinion, were the PA’s that were involved in every step of my recovery always flexible and always dedicated to me.

My road to where I am in my life currently is about as non-traditional as it comes. When I was eighteen I wanted nothing more than to be a Marine. After my mother begged me to go to school I obliged and went to New Mexico State University in Las Cruces, NM. Upon moving there, I learned of a program that allowed students to become firefighters/EMT’s and still attend school. I took the job joined one of the surrounding Volunteer departments to get exposed to more trauma care; which I loved. I dedicated almost every minute of my life to running calls for either my paid position or my volunteer position. Subsequently, I did not even try to go to school and failed out after three semesters. I then took the advice of a colleague and joined the Marine Corps the next day.

I loved every minute of the Marine Corps, I had finally found something that I was excellent at. I used my experience as a firefighter to help teach Navy Corpsman real life medical scenarios that I had seen. I had a unique skill set and my command allowed me to grow and train with our combat medics. I found myself a medical fireteam leader within six months of joining my unit. We participated in some of the most intense combat the Marine Corps had seen since Vietnam; myself and our Corpsman treated over fifty combat casualties between, local nationals, the Taliban, and our fellow Marines. After my injury, I was told I would never be deployed again and I could no longer operate as an Infantry Marine. This was devastating news and lead to me shutting out the world for almost a year. The only people I would talk to were the PA’s and physicians at Balboa Naval Medical Center, several encouraged me to go to school and pursue my passion to help people; maybe even go to PA school.

I decided to take their advice and led a cadre of Marines that petitioned the Commandant of the Marine Corps to allow us to start attending formal colleges at the location of our transitions. I began studying at the University of North Texas. After taking Biology one I decided to pursue research and began under Dr. Guenter Gross at the Center for Network Neuroscience. While there we created a ballistic pendulum that allowed us to impact neurons on a “microchip” and observe the structural changes and change in action potential of the neuron.  Dr. Gross allowed me to operate independently and we garnered enough attention in our world to be invited to present our research at the International Meeting for Substrate Integrated Electrodes. For this research, I was awarded a grant by Howard Hughes Medical Institute and an undergraduate fellowship. I was then awarded a large scholarship from the US Congress as a combat veteran excelling in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. Unfortunately, after being accepted in the PhD program at UNT our research funding was cut and my post-grad career was suddenly in jeopardy.

After learning that once again I was unable to do what I wanted I met with a family friend and was offered a lucrative position as a Medical device representative. Every day I have a small part of the healthcare continuum by providing physicians the tools they need to fix their patients. I have a small role in the lives of every patient that comes into the operating room. For some in my industry this is the most patient interaction they desire. For me this is not nearly enough, over the past two years I have had the pleasure to work with countless orthopedic and trauma PA’s. I have an in depth understanding of their place in the healthcare continuum and I wish to be in their position. Everyday I see the impact the midlevel provider makes in healthcare and every day I have more of a desire to positively impact the lives of those affected by trauma. I know the impact Physician Assistants made in my recovery and every day I strive to make similar impacts in the lives of others. I have the desire to be a large part of healthcare in America and know that becoming a Physician Assistant will allow me the flexibility and autonomy to make impacts across multiple specialties serving a broad range of patients.

[ajames]

Hey, do you still need help with your PS? Sorry for the late reply, but I wouldn't mind looking it over.

[smiththrs]

I would take any opinion of it, being late in the cycle I sent it in a couple revisions after. 

[ajames]

Okay. Please check back tomorrow when I have more time for suggestions. Thanks! You can also PM me your new statement if you have made any changes. 

[ajames]

 

On June 19, 2010 at about 5PM my life changed forever; I found myself staring into the sky with several Marines loading me into a MedEVAC Blackhawk helicopter. I remember a flight nurse telling me everything is going to be alright before I decided that I wanted to go to sleep. I awoke almost two weeks later in Landstuhl, Germany with a litany of injuries and several questions. I was told by a very nice British nurse that I needed to phone my family so they could hear my voice. I was a twenty-year old Corporal with eleven subordinate Marines, I was happy to call my family but all I could think about was why I was staring at green grass and towering evergreen trees. I was told the terrible news that myself and nine others were casualties from several IED’s strung together in what is known as a daisy-chain. The next year was the most difficult year of my life as I recovered from several broken bones, a severe traumatic brain injury and was told I was no longer eligible to continue military service in the Infantry. There were several doctors in my care continuum that I can thank for pushing me through that year but more importantly, in my opinion, were the PA’s that were involved in every step of my recovery always flexible and always dedicated to me.

Edit:

Everything happened so quickly after the bomb went off. Staring up into the blinding blue sky, I could see the roaring of helicopter wings and felt the grip of several Marines loading me into the MedEVAC Blackhawk. I awoke two weeks later in Landstuhl, Germany with numerous injuries and minor confusion. Lying in a hospital bed, all I could think about were the towering evergreen trees outside my window. My nurse encouraged me to phone home to let my family know I was safe. Back then, I was a young Corporal with eleven subordinate Marines, and I received the terrible news that nine other casualties were injured from improvised explosive devices strung together in what is known as a daisy-chain. The next year was the most difficult year of my life as I recovered from multiple broken bones, a severe traumatic brain injury, and I was told I was ineligible to continue Infantry military service. In every step of my recovery, there were multiple members of the medical team that continuously took care of me, but I was especially thankful to the physician assistants who pushed me and helped me heal.

 Reasons:

You have a really unique experience about how you became introduced to the medical world. I felt a little confused and noticed disconnect in your introduction so I tried to make it more concise, dramatic, and flow from one idea to the next. While it was a very important date to you, I feel like you can save characters and space to all for more room to talk about the profession later on. I also spelled out IED because I had to google it to understand what you meant. I feel like your final sentence can still be tweaked to summarize exactly how the PAs made a difference in your care. This is a great opportunity to show how valuable PAs are in the medical field and how they made a difference for you. I hope you find these changes enhancing to your introduction.

My road to where I am in my life currently is about as non-traditional as it comes. When I was eighteen I wanted nothing more than to be a Marine. After my mother begged me to go to school I obliged and went to New Mexico State University in Las Cruces, NM. Upon moving there, I learned of a program that allowed students to become firefighters/EMT’s and still attend school. I took the job joined one of the surrounding Volunteer departments to get exposed to more trauma care; which I loved. I dedicated almost every minute of my life to running calls for either my paid position or my volunteer position. Subsequently, I did not even try to go to school and failed out after three semesters. I then took the advice of a colleague and joined the Marine Corps the next day.

I loved every minute of the Marine Corps, I had finally found something that I was excellent at. I used my experience as a firefighter to help teach Navy Corpsman real life medical scenarios that I had seen. I had a unique skill set and my command allowed me to grow and train with our combat medics. I found myself a medical fireteam leader within six months of joining my unit. We participated in some of the most intense combat the Marine Corps had seen since Vietnam; myself and our Corpsman treated over fifty combat casualties between, local nationals, the Taliban, and our fellow Marines. After my injury, I was told I would never be deployed again and I could no longer operate as an Infantry Marine. This was devastating news and lead to me shutting out the world for almost a year. The only people I would talk to were the PA’s and physicians at Balboa Naval Medical Center, several encouraged me to go to school and pursue my passion to help people; maybe even go to PA school.

Edit:

During my undergraduate studies at New Mexico State University, I became involved in a program that developed firefighters and EMTs while attending school. At the time, I never realized how much joining the trauma care force really inspired me. On top of gaining a paid position, I also volunteered to gain even more exposure to trauma care. Almost every minute of my life was motivated to running calls, but my grades suffered for it. Subsequently, I decided to no longer pursue academic studies and failed out of three semesters. That was when I took the advice of a colleague and joined the Marine Corps the next day. I used my experience as a firefighter to help teach Navy Corpsman real life medical scenarios that I had seen in the field. My unique skill set and my command allowed me to grow and train with our combat medics. I found myself a medical fire team leader within six months of joining my unit. We participated in some of the most intense combat Marine Corps had seen since Vietnam because we had treated over fifty combat casualties including local natives, the Taliban, and fellow Marines. After my injury, my life as a Marine had come to an end, but I gained a second chance to pursue medicine again. There are valuable skills I have learned in my military journey as well as having gained substantial maturity and the ability to manage my time. (You can tweak this sentence to say what values you gained in the Marines and what changed since then).

Reasons:

Although you have such a strong passion for being a Marine, you don’t want it to seem that being a PA is a back-up plan, but more of an inspiration that occurred from your situation. You want to briefly mention things and try to select the most pertinent information and how to be concise so you can focus on more about your reasons for pursuing medicine and how you became influenced. Please compare the paragraphs and see the changes I suggested.

I decided to take their advice and led a cadre of Marines that petitioned the Commandant of the Marine Corps to allow us to start attending formal colleges at the location of our transitions. I began studying at the University of North Texas. After taking Biology one I decided to pursue research and began under Dr. Guenter Gross at the Center for Network Neuroscience. While there we created a ballistic pendulum that allowed us to impact neurons on a “microchip” and observe the structural changes and change in action potential of the neuron.  Dr. Gross allowed me to operate independently and we garnered enough attention in our world to be invited to present our research at the International Meeting for Substrate Integrated Electrodes. For this research, I was awarded a grant by Howard Hughes Medical Institute and an undergraduate fellowship. I was then awarded a large scholarship from the US Congress as a combat veteran excelling in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. Unfortunately, after being accepted in the PhD program at UNT our research funding was cut and my post-grad career was suddenly in jeopardy.

Edit:

After the event, I led a cadre of Marines that petitioned the Commandant of the Marine Corps which allowed those affected to attend college. Therefore, I began studying at University of North Texas, where I gained valuable research experience and a better understanding of science and human physiology. Under Dr. Guenter Gross at the Center for Network Neuroscience, I worked on creating a ballistic pendulum that gave way to viewing structural changes to a neuron and its action potential. Operating independently, I gained valuable skills (talk about what you gained in personality, such as maturity, confidence, perspective, overcoming challenges, or whatever you think). From my research experience, I was awarded a grant by Howard Hughes Medical Institute and an undergraduate fellowship. Later I was awarded a large scholarship from the US Congress as a combat veteran excelling in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. I had changed so much from my first secondary educational years and truly found a niche in academia. Unfortunately, after being accepted in the PhD program at UNT, our research funding was cut and my post-grad career was suddenly in jeopardy.

Reasons:

This paragraph needs the most work. I was confused by your beginning and last statements because when you said “I decided to take their advice” I didn’t really know who you were talking about and I felt like you could leave that out and just get straight to “I led a cadre of Marines” to show that you continued to be a leader and took initiative to pursue an education. Then I also became confused about your research so I tried to condense it and make what you did a little more concise because not everyone is science savy or interested in research so it should really be about I did research, I learned this, it changed me because, and it applies to PA school because. The final sentence was worded weird “Unfortunately, after being accepted…” meant you were considering a PhD program, but I wasn’t sure if you attended and then research funding was cut, but then you said “my post-grad career” so I wasn’t sure if you meant your intentional career was no longer available because you could not go through with the PhD program. You just gotta make it more clear, like “Unfortunately, our research funding was cut after I was accepted into the PhD program at UNT, so I was once more left pondering my future.”

After learning that once again I was unable to do what I wanted I met with a family friend and was offered a lucrative position as a Medical device representative. Every day I have a small part of the healthcare continuum by providing physicians the tools they need to fix their patients. I have a small role in the lives of every patient that comes into the operating room. For some in my industry this is the most patient interaction they desire. For me this is not nearly enough, over the past two years I have had the pleasure to work with countless orthopedic and trauma PA’s. I have an in depth understanding of their place in the healthcare continuum and I wish to be in their position. Everyday I see the impact the midlevel provider makes in healthcare and every day I have more of a desire to positively impact the lives of those affected by trauma. I know the impact Physician Assistants made in my recovery and every day I strive to make similar impacts in the lives of others. I have the desire to be a large part of healthcare in America and know that becoming a Physician Assistant will allow me the flexibility and autonomy to make impacts across multiple specialties serving a broad range of patients. 

Edit:

Seeking to rejoin the medical field, I gained a lucrative position as a medical device representative. Every day, I am involved in my patient’s lives by providing physicians the tools they need to help take care of their patients. My small role in the lives of every operating patient is the most interaction some colleagues desire, but it is not nearly enough for me. Over the past two years, I have had the pleasure of working with countless orthopedic and trauma PAs. I have witnessed the positive impact PAs make in the lives of their patients and the impact they made in my own healing journey. Becoming a PA would allow me to positively impact patients across multiple specialties with the ability to serve in a wide range of medical cases. (Final ending notes on why you chose being a PA).

Reasons: 

I tried to keep the most pertinent information and combine sentences to save you room to elaborate on your reasons for being a PA. There are some things I felt are missing. You interact with patients, but try to recall a moment when you felt sorry for a patient, when you wanted to do more for them, when they showed distress, or you wanted to understand their medical case a little deeper. These will help show how you are limited in your position and how being a PA allows for more opportunity and involvement with patients. The final sentences should be reworked because I felt it was listing the benefits to being a PA and it isn’t a strong concluding statement. Those parts all need to be broken up if they are really why you chose to be a PA. why is flexibility important to you or multiple specialties? And how does this all tie into your walk of life? 

Final notes:

You don’t have to go into step details how you got to where you are, it should really be about why you want to be a PA. You have a really strong background, a really long journey that you’ve taken, and some great stories to pull from. You are unique and definitely can stand out in the crowd. I really don’t want you to get discouraged because I have provided these suggestions to help guide you and give you room to talk more about your experiences. You can do this!

 

Strung together:

Everything happened so quickly after the bomb went off. Staring up into the blinding blue sky, I could see the roaring of helicopter wings and felt the grip of several Marines loading me into the MedEVAC Blackhawk. I awoke two weeks later in Landstuhl, Germany with numerous injuries and minor confusion. Lying in a hospital bed, all I could think about were the towering evergreen trees outside my window. My nurse encouraged me to phone home to let my family know I was safe. Back then, I was a young Corporal with eleven subordinate Marines, and I received the terrible news that nine other casualties were injured from improvised explosive devices strung together in what is known as a daisy-chain. The next year was the most difficult year of my life as I recovered from multiple broken bones, a severe traumatic brain injury, and I was told I was ineligible to continue Infantry military service. In every step of my recovery, there were multiple members of the medical team that continuously took care of me, but I was especially thankful to the physician assistants who pushed me and helped me heal.

During my undergraduate studies at New Mexico State University, I became involved in a program that developed firefighters and EMTs while attending school. At the time, I never realized how much joining the trauma care force really inspired me. On top of gaining a paid position, I also volunteered to gain even more exposure to trauma care. Almost every minute of my life was motivated to running calls, but my grades suffered for it. Subsequently, I decided to no longer pursue academic studies and failed out of three semesters. That was when I took the advice of a colleague and joined the Marine Corps the next day. I used my experience as a firefighter to help teach Navy Corpsman real life medical scenarios that I had seen in the field. My unique skill set and my command allowed me to grow and train with our combat medics. I found myself a medical fire team leader within six months of joining my unit. We participated in some of the most intense combat Marine Corps had seen since Vietnam because we had treated over fifty combat casualties including local natives, the Taliban, and fellow Marines. After my injury, my life as a Marine had come to an end, but I gained a second chance to pursue medicine again. There are valuable skills I have learned in my military journey as well as having gained substantial maturity and the ability to manage my time. (You can tweak this sentence to say what values you gained in the Marines and what changed since then).

After the event, I led a cadre of Marines that petitioned the Commandant of the Marine Corps which allowed those affected to attend college. Therefore, I began studying at University of North Texas, where I gained valuable research experience and a better understanding of science and human physiology. Under Dr. Guenter Gross at the Center for Network Neuroscience, I worked on creating a ballistic pendulum that gave way to viewing structural changes to a neuron and its action potential. Operating independently, I gained valuable skills (talk about what you gained in personality, such as maturity, confidence, perspective, overcoming challenges, or whatever you think). From my research experience, I was awarded a grant by Howard Hughes Medical Institute and an undergraduate fellowship. Later I was awarded a large scholarship from the US Congress as a combat veteran excelling in science, technology, engineering, and mathematics. I had changed so much from my first secondary educational years and truly found a niche in academia. Unfortunately, after being accepted in the PhD program at UNT, our research funding was cut and my post-grad career was suddenly in jeopardy.

Seeking to rejoin the medical field, I gained a lucrative position as a medical device representative. Every day, I am involved in my patient’s lives by providing physicians the tools they need to help take care of their patients. My small role in the lives of every operating patient is the most interaction some colleagues desire, but it is not nearly enough for me. Over the past two years, I have had the pleasure of working with countless orthopedic and trauma PAs. I have witnessed the positive impact PAs make in the lives of their patients and the impact they made in my own healing journey. Becoming a PA would allow me to positively impact patients across multiple specialties with the ability to serve in a wide range of medical cases. (Final ending notes on why you chose being a PA).