Potential Final Draft! Opinions please!

[philllyvee]

Hi guys,

I've made numerous revisions and I'm ready to present this to you all for your honest opinions!  

While I sat surrounded by family members preoccupied on the feast in front of us when I noticed an abrupt change in the ambiance of the room.  What is that shrill noise I think to myself?  I look up to check and see if anyone else hears what I am hearing and immediately notice the simultaneous scream of every child in the room.  Parents jump into action to settle the children and begin guiding us all into the bomb shelter down on the ground floor of our 31-story apartment building.  It was 2014 Israel amidst the start of the most recent Israel-Gaza conflict, and the sound was of public sirens signaling to citizens that rockets are headed in the direction of the city, and everyone is advised to seek shelter.  To my biological father and his family this was commonplace, though to me having been raised by my single mother in the San Francisco Bay Area, this was as new as a baby’s first breath.  We race down to the shelter and sit silently while, my aunts and uncles hold their children and, my father grimly sits by me and whispers "This isn't what I wanted you to see on your first visit here" Though that wasn't my fear in the given moment, my trepidation came as I saw children and parents scared for their lives and there wasn't a single calming word that could be said to alleviate everybody’s apprehension.  If someone gets injured there needs to a medical professional ready to perform. This professional was not me nor did the thought of being one enter my mind until that moment when I wished I could be helpful in such a stressful situation.

              I was 20 years old when I went to visit my father in Israel for the first time.  At this point, I had little understanding of what I should do with my life.  If asked, I would have told anyone that I'd be satisfied with working any meaningless job as long as it gave me a reasonable income.  Ask me after that day, and I would have told you that whatever I end up doing it would have to give me the ability to make a change in people's lives.  Although the thought of becoming a medical professional permeated my mind at the time of the rocket attack, it only came to fruition through a carefully guided exploration into both biological research and clinical medicine.

Although more inclined to pursue a career in medicine, I felt taking a more serious approach towards my major would be wise. Thus, I found a University professor who allowed me to join his laboratory and assist in his ongoing research. During the next two years with him, I determined rather quickly that academia and research weren't for me which initiated my path towards medicine.  Through examining the various medical professions, I discovered the Physician Assistant profession and became resolute in finding out if this was for me.  Thus, I approached this career path in the same way as approached a career in biochemistry, head on.  I sought out shadowing, and a sought out a job that landed me directly in front of patients.  Through shadowing, I witnessed an Orthopedic, Emergency, and Gastroenterology Physician Assistant.  Through hospital phlebotomy I found myself drawing the blood from coding patients, newborn babies, and elderly hospital patients.  I found myself in just about every department a large inner city community hospital has to offer and I realized this is the place where I can make the most tangible difference in people’s lives.

Unlike in research, where the fruits of one's labor are found either in recognition or through the application of one's work, my experience in medicine showed me gratification in the form of directly affecting the lives of patients.  In phlebotomy where on every shift I had to face the worst patients that medicine had to offer, I found a deeper understanding of the misguided attitudes exhibited by patients.  As they harangued me with their hatred for needles and disbelief in medicine, I wasn't fazed.  The misguided ones are equally as deserving as the generous ones and their vulnerability equally as palpable. I see past the negativity, as when I look into every patient's eyes (or veins) and witness the potential for improved vitality and health.  And when I leave a room, regardless of the interaction I experienced with the patient, there is a fulfillment worthy of the delayed gratification one faces as a student at rigorous Physician Assistant programs.

To conclude, there have been a handful of moments in my life following the bomb shelter incident where I had to face hysteria commensurate with what I found in that little concrete hole in the ground.  And they have all occurred by the side of a coding patient and with an 18-gauge needle in my hand ready to enter the femoral artery.  In these instances, I found myself.  I found myself not only as a practitioner who can help in moments of medical emergency but as a person who was born to make a difference, to heal the sick, and to be a driving force in the future of medicine as a Physician Assistant. 

[ajames]

I would love to help! I can post edits tomorrow for you if you check back. 

[ajames]

While I sat surrounded by family members preoccupied on the feast in front of us when I noticed an abrupt change in the ambiance of the room. What is that shrill noise I think to myself?  I look up to check and see if anyone else hears what I am hearing and immediately notice the simultaneous scream of every child in the room.  Parents jump into action to settle the children and begin guiding us all into the bomb shelter down on the ground floor of our 31-story apartment building.  It was 2014 Israel amidst the start of the most recent Israel-Gaza conflict, and the sound was of public sirens signaling to citizens that rockets are headed in the direction of the city, and everyone is advised to seek shelter.  To my biological father and his family this was commonplace, though to me having been raised by my single mother in the San Francisco Bay Area, this was as new as a baby’s first breath.  We race down to the shelter and sit silently while, my aunts and uncles hold their children and, my father grimly sits by me and whispers "This isn't what I wanted you to see on your first visit here" Though that wasn't my fear in the given moment, my trepidation came as I saw children and parents scared for their lives and there wasn't a single calming word that could be said to alleviate everybody’s apprehension.  If someone gets injured there needs to a medical professional ready to perform. This professional was not me nor did the thought of being one enter my mind until that moment when I wished I could be helpful in such a stressful situation.

Edit:

Sitting at the dinner table, I hear a high-pitched sound and think, what is that shrill noise?  The ambiance of the room suddenly changes as my family tries to listen. The children begin to scream, causing the parents to jump up and try to calm everyone. It was the beginning of the 2014 Israel-Gaza conflict. My family guides us down the stairs to the bomb shelter below the 31-story apartment building, where the sounds of public sirens blare above us to warn the citizens of the oncoming rockets that will hit the city. I wait in anticipation, yet for most of my family the scene was commonplace. My aunts and uncles hold their children, and my father grimly sits by me and whispers, "This isn't what you I wanted you to see on your first visit here." I had been living with my single mother in California. My trepidation came was a I saw children and parents scared for their lives and there was nothing anyone could do to alleviate their apprehension. If someone became injured, they would need a medical professional to help them. This professional was not me nor did the thought of being one enter my mind until that very moment. 

Reasons for edit:

I tried to make your words more concise and condensed. I also noticed a shift in present and past story telling, so I tried to fix it by making it all present tense. I think you should limit your discussion about family relations because it can get muddled, so I tried to focus more on the stressful situation and being surrounded by everyone. I hope that you find this rewrite of the first paragraph to be helpful.

              I was 20 years old when I went to visit my father in Israel for the first time.  At this point, I had little understanding of what I should do with my life.  If asked, I would have told anyone that I'd be satisfied with working any meaningless job as long as it gave me a reasonable income.  Ask me after that day, and I would have told you that whatever I end up doing it would have to give me the ability to make a change in people's lives.  Although the thought of becoming a medical professional permeated my mind at the time of the rocket attack, it only came to fruition through a carefully guided exploration into both biological research and clinical medicine.

Edit: 

When I visited my father in Israel for the first time, I had little understanding of what I should do with my life. If asked, I would have told anyone that I would have been content with anything life had given me. After that day, I realized I want to change people's lives and have the ability to heal others if they become injured. Although the thought of becoming a medical professional permeated my mind at the time of the rocket attack, it only become to fruition through a carefully guided exploration into both biological research and clinical medicine. 

Reasons:

You can take out your age, its irrelevant, and then I wouldn't say you wanted a job with good income because it kind of shines light into choosing PA for the wrong reasons so even though we all want finical security, I would just say you were content with whatever. Then instead of just changing lives, I added that you wanted to heal others because it seems like in the shelter, that was your desire at the time was to protect them if they became injured in order to save their life. I really like your last two sentences. You have a really unique background and I'm glad you chose to pursue medicine. 

Although more inclined to pursue a career in medicine, I felt taking a more serious approach towards my major would be wise. Thus, I found a University professor who allowed me to join his laboratory and assist in his ongoing research. During the next two years with him, I determined rather quickly that academia and research weren't for me which initiated my path towards medicine.  Through examining the various medical professions, I discovered the Physician Assistant profession and became resolute in finding out if this was for me.  Thus, I approached this career path in the same way as approached a career in biochemistry, head on.  I sought out shadowing, and a sought out a job that landed me directly in front of patients.  Through shadowing, I witnessed an Orthopedic, Emergency, and Gastroenterology Physician Assistant.  Through hospital phlebotomy I found myself drawing the blood from coding patients, newborn babies, and elderly hospital patients.  I found myself in just about every department a large inner city community hospital has to offer and I realized this is the place where I can make the most tangible difference in people’s lives.

Edit:

I began to pursue medicine by learning valuable research skills in a laboratory to assist a professor with his ongoing research. After two years of research experience, I decided that I preferred working with people and creating human connections. Thus, I approached a medical career path outside of biochemistry, head on. I sought out shadowing and a job that would allow me to interact directly with patients. After landing a position as a hospital phlebotomist, I found myself going beyond just drawing blood from people. I worked with coding patients, needing stat analysis, as well as newborn babies with small, challenging veins, and elderly patients with fragile skin. The position showed me all walks of life.Through shadowing, I witnessed many physician assistants with various specialties such as orthopedic, emergency, and gastroenterology. I became fascinated with the wide range of patients PAs encountered (you can add more qualities they display that lured you) and I knew it was the career I wanted to be a part of for the rest of my life. 

Reasons:

I wouldn't say that you wanted to pursue medicine but wanted something serious so went with research because medicine is as serious as it gets since you are responsible for the lives of others. Then rather than saying you research isn't for me, you could just say, while you enjoyed research, you wanted more interaction with people and felt medicine merged both your passion for research and human connection. I elaborated on your experiences with drawing blood so that you can show how you encountered different kinds of people and that your job is not as easy as people think. I hope you find these changes helpful and think that it flows better for you. 

Unlike in research, where the fruits of one's labor are found either in recognition or through the application of one's work, my experience in medicine showed me gratification in the form of directly affecting the lives of patients.  In phlebotomy where on every shift I had to face the worst patients that medicine had to offer, I found a deeper understanding of the misguided attitudes exhibited by patients.  As they harangued me with their hatred for needles and disbelief in medicine, I wasn't fazed.  The misguided ones are equally as deserving as the generous ones and their vulnerability equally as palpable. I see past the negativity, as when I look into every patient's eyes (or veins) and witness the potential for improved vitality and health.  And when I leave a room, regardless of the interaction I experienced with the patient, there is a fulfillment worthy of the delayed gratification one faces as a student at rigorous Physician Assistant programs.

Edit:

Unlike in research, where the fruits of one's labor are found either in recognition or through the application of one's work, my experience in medicine showed me gratification in the form of directly affecting the lives of patients. As a phlebotomist, sometimes I encountered difficult patients, but I always tried understand their misguided attitudes towards needles and disbelief in medicine. No matter how challenging a patient may seem, everyone deserves equal care. I see past the negativity when I look into my patient's eyes and know they are in the hospital because they need help. I try to comfort them and be courteous to all my patients.  And when I leave a room, I know I have contributed to their vitality and health. The bedside mannerism I have gained will carry with me as a future PA. 

Reasons:

I tried to condense your comment on negative patients into one sentence and focus on the positives as well as the qualities that you have gained. 

To conclude, there have been a handful of moments in my life following the bomb shelter incident where I had to face hysteria commensurate with what I found in that little concrete hole in the ground.  And they have all occurred by the side of a coding patient and with an 18-gauge needle in my hand ready to enter the femoral artery.  In these instances, I found myself.  I found myself not only as a medical professional who can help in moments of medical emergency but as a person who was born to make a difference, to heal the sick, and to be a driving force in the future of medicine as a Physician Assistant. 

Final notes: My advice is to always save characters, talk more about patients, and how awesome the profession is for you. From condensing some of your paragraphs, I hope you find room to add more information. Please don't become discouraged by my editing, for it is you who has great material to pull from, and you are so close to the end of this crazy journey. I wish you the best of luck!

Overall rewrite:

Sitting at the dinner table, I hear a high-pitched sound and think, what is that shrill noise?  The ambiance of the room suddenly changes as my family tries to listen. The children begin to scream, causing parents to jump up and try to calm everyone. It was the beginning of the 2014 Israel-Gaza conflict. My family guides us down the stairs to the bomb shelter below the 31-story apartment building, where the sounds of public sirens blare above us to warn the citizens of the oncoming rockets that will hit the city. I wait in anticipation, yet for most of my family the scene was commonplace. My aunts and uncles hold their children, and my father grimly sits by me and whispers, "This isn't what you I wanted you to see on your first visit here." I had been living with my single mother in California. My trepidation came was a I saw children and parents scared for their lives and there was nothing anyone could do to alleviate their apprehension. If someone became injured, they would need a medical professional to help them. This professional was not me nor did the thought of being one enter my mind until that very moment. 

When I visited my father in Israel for the first time, I had little understanding of what I should do with my life. If asked, I would have told anyone that I would have been content with anything life had given me. After that day, I realized I want to change people's lives and have the ability to heal others if they become injured. Although the thought of becoming a medical professional permeated my mind at the time of the rocket attack, it only become to fruition through a carefully guided exploration into both biological research and clinical medicine. 

I began to pursue medicine by learning valuable research skills in a laboratory to assist a professor with his ongoing research. After two years of research experience, I decided that I preferred working with people and creating human connections. Thus, I approached a medical career path outside of biochemistry, head on. I sought out shadowing and a job that would allow me to interact directly with patients. After landing a position as a hospital phlebotomist, I found myself going beyond just drawing blood from people. I worked with coding patients, needing stat analysis, as well as newborn babies with small, challenging veins, and elderly patients with fragile skin. The position showed me all walks of life.Through shadowing, I witnessed many physician assistants with various specialties such as orthopedic, emergency, and gastroenterology. I became fascinated with the wide range of patients PAs encountered (you can add more qualities they display that lured you) and I knew it was the career I wanted to be a part of for the rest of my life. 

Unlike in research, where the fruits of one's labor are found either in recognition or through the application of one's work, my experience in medicine showed me gratification in the form of directly affecting the lives of patients. As a phlebotomist, sometimes I encountered difficult patients, but I always tried understand their misguided attitudes towards needles and disbelief in medicine. No matter how challenging a patient may seem, everyone deserves equal care. I see past the negativity when I look into my patient's eyes and know they are in the hospital because they need help. I try to comfort them and be courteous to all my patients.  And when I leave a room, I know I have contributed to their vitality and health. The bedside mannerism I have gained will carry with me as a future PA. 

To conclude, there have been a handful of moments in my life following the bomb shelter incident where I had to face hysteria commensurate with what I found in that little concrete hole in the ground.  And they have all occurred by the side of a coding patient and with an 18-gauge needle in my hand ready to enter the femoral artery.  In these instances, I found myself.  I found myself not only as a medical professional who can help in moments of medical emergency but as a person who was born to make a difference, to heal the sick, and to be a driving force in the future of medicine as a Physician Assistant. 

[philllyvee]

Thank you so much for the edits you made.  I really appreciate the effort you put into analyzing and revising my essay.  And sorry for the late response, but fortunately I haven't submitted my application just yet so I will be making use of your advice.