I need any critique please!!!

[justinag94]

                The sound of metal screeching against asphalt is a sound I will never forget. One night during my junior year of high school I went out to eat with some friends, and on the way home I was in a car wreck. I was riding with a friend, and we hit an oncoming vehicle almost head one, at an estimated 87 miles per hour. After impact, the truck we were in started flipping, and I was ejected. This began my very first experience in the hospital. I had broken my collar bone, fractured my skull, and broke three of my fingers, one of which I lost half of. This resulted in two reconstructive hand surgeries. Considering I was only seventeen, losing part of my finger was devastating. My team of medical staff, though, comforted me through this time and helped me cope. That’s when I realized I wanted to go into the medical field. I wanted to help those in pain just like I was helped though my tough time.

                When I started college, my major was pre-medicine. I knew I wanted to go into the medical field, I just didn’t know what field I wanted to pursue. During my second year of college, I received a 5am phone call from my father that could have been life-changing. “Your mother has been shot, but she’s okay, go back to sleep.” Needless to say, I got dressed and headed to the hospital. My mother was shot with a .40 caliber pistol. She had to have emergency surgery to remove part of her ascending colon and had a total hysterectomy. By the time I got to the hospital, she was out of surgery and in ICU. I walked in her room and was startled by all of the wires and tubes connected to her. I was scared. After speaking with her doctor and asking question after question, learning what each wire and tube was for, I knew she was going to be okay. Then, I became intrigued. I decided after my mother’s tragedy that I wanted to be a doctor.

                I thought that between my mother’s experience and my own, that I knew what I wanted to be. Shortly after her incident, I came down with a kidney infection. I called my primary physician to make an appointment, but he wouldn’t be able to see me for a few more days. I didn’t want to wait that long, so I made an appointment with the nurse practitioner instead. She treated me autonomously, made me feel better, was kind, and answered all of my questions about her career in the meantime. Then, I was stuck. I didn’t know if I wanted to be a doctor or an NP.

                A little while later, my grandmother was put in the hospital for a heart attack. This was a much bigger hospital than the one my mother and I had experienced. We spent Thanksgiving with her, and while we were in the waiting room, my grandfather and I began talking about what I was going to do after college. I explained to him that I was stuck between MD and NP. I told him that I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go to school that long to be an MD, and that I would have to choose a specialty and stick with it. I then explained that to be an NP, I would have to be a nurse first, and I didn’t really want to do that either. Then, he asked me about physician assistant. My grandfather explained to me that, “the PA was the lady that came to see Nana every morning. We never see the doctor.” This sparked my curiosity and the research was on. I decided that PA was exactly what I wanted to do. It fit my interests in more ways than one. First, I like the fact of working autonomously, but under a supervising physician at the same time. I also like the flexibility of specialties of a PA. Pursuing a career in PA is also beneficial to me because it requires a science background instead of nursing. I had finally found a career I was sure I wanted!

                I later got a job working as a phlebotomist in the local hospital. This was the first job I’ve had that I truly loved, and it kept me motivated to work toward becoming a PA. I got the pleasure of working hands on with patients. There is one lady that came in regularly for blood transfusions. She had fatty liver disease, which caused her inflamed liver to press on her stomach, causing a GI bleed. After we met, she eventually tried to come in when she knew I would be there because she said that I was her favorite phlebotomist. The last time she was at the hospital waiting to get her blood drawn, she got the phone call that she was eligible for a liver transplant! The whole hospital was in tears of joy for this lady. This is why I want to become a PA. If I can get personal fulfillment like this just by being a phlebotomist, I can only imagine what I will be able to accomplish as a PA. I want to be the cause of a patient’s happiness, not just the support. According to a familiar quote, medicine is the career you go into when you cannot possibly imagine doing anything else. I cannot imagine being anything other than a PA. 

[Alfrid]

So you have a lot of different stories in here, but I don't really get a sense of why you want to be a PA. You bring it up pretty late into your essay and for the majority of it I actually get the idea that you want to be a doctor. I think you can cut back on the stories you bring in. You talk about your car accident, your mom (glad she's okay!), your grandmother, and the one lady who came in with a GI bleed. I'd pick one story that inspired your interest in medicine. You can talk about how you wanted to be a doctor with emphasis on why PA vs. doctor, but summarize the part where you made the switch. It's good that you're talking about why PA vs. MD vs. NP, but if you can find a way to shorten it, I think it would be ideal. "I considered MD or NP, but picked PA for these reasons..." Reasons could be that you still wanted to learn on a medical model and be able to diagnose, treat, have the flexibility to switch specialties, team oriented atmosphere of a PA, etc. Be cautious about how you phrase the part about switching specialties because like any career it doesn't always sound great to have short stints at several jobs.

 

Also, find ways to combine your sentences. There's a bit of unnecessary fluff in your essay that could be condensed for easier reading. Example: "  When I started college, my major was pre-medicine. I knew I wanted to go into the medical field, I just didn’t know what field I wanted to pursue." "When I started college, I knew I wanted to go into the medical field although I was not sure which field I wanted to pursue." 

 

Example 2: A little while later, my grandmother was put in the hospital for a heart attack. This was a much bigger hospital than the one my mother and I had experienced. We spent Thanksgiving with her, and while we were in the waiting room, my grandfather and I began talking about what I was going to do after college. "During Thanksgiving several years later, my grandmother went to the ER at a large hospital where she was diagnosed with a heart attack. While we were in the waiting room, my grandfather and I discussed my plans after graduation." 

 

It doesn't have to be exactly like this, but you get the idea. Go through your essay and read it out loud. If there are sentences in there that don't add anything, I'd get rid of them. For example, the sentence "This was a much bigger hospital than the one my mother and I experienced" doesn't add anything and you could probably just get rid of it. 

 

Good luck!

[paproof]

I agree with the commenter above the spammer: every sentence needs to have a purpose. 

 

And they are also right about there being way too many stories/topics within the essay.  You need to focus on your goals of becoming a PA and only mention those experiences that have helped paved the way to making this decision.  

 

Also be sure to put (PA) after the first time you write "physician assistant."