Second time applying - need opinions please!

[Blue4031]

I used the following essay last year and am not sure if I should change it or rewrite one this year. I was offered an interview at one school, but was not selected so I am reapplying. 

 

 

Clinging to my tiny nose hairs, the hospital reeked of disease and a slight undertone of bleach. A scent forever embedded in me. Blue plastic chairs, sofas, old tasteless paintings, vending machines for our meals and gray flooring are what the waiting room had to offer.  Was this my new home? As I lay on the one comfortable sofa, which I well fought for amongst my siblings, I stared, examined the polystyrene tiled ceiling framed well above me and wondered was this it? Would the man that loved me unconditionally, the man who worked to support his family, cease to exist? Tears followed for my fears and uncertainty had gotten the best of me.  

 

Through my ten-year-old eyes I watched and waited in terror as the pneumonia had progressed to the point of placing my father on life support. Pipes and wires surrounded the body as if he was half human – half robot. As days turned to weeks, weeks to months, our hope began to diminish, until one day we were finally able to see some life in him. He laid there with a grin on his face, a grin I was in dire need of seeing. Hope was brought back into my family’s life, but the question remained, how was it possible?  How was he awake?

 

I had witnessed real life superheroes at work. A medical team, that worked tirelessly to help my father, was the reason I could see that grin on his face. While my family and I may have felt helpless during the entire time, the medical team consisting of various healthcare providers was our hope and we relied upon them to aid my father. After months of restless nights we finally made our way back home into our very own beds and again I found myself staring at a ceiling, wondering how mere individuals could pull another from a near-death event. Did they hold superpowers? Could I join them in saving lives just as they had saved my father’s?

 

Privileged to be the first individual in my family to attend college, I set forth to be a member of such a team that could pass on the gift of helping those in need. This honor required an immense set of measures for which my parents held me by. They deemed a career as a physician to be suiting for me. For some time, I too agreed with them and had decided to pursue a career as a physician for I had thought that was the only way I could provide care medically to others.

 

The pressure and stress brought on by the need of excelling to become a doctor and the continuous required medical care my father faced had eventually become overwhelming. I was thrown into confusion, as I realized I was living out my family’s dream instead of my own, which in turn reflected on the poorest college semester I had to offer. Had I failed on my opportunity to help those in need? Could I not join the medical team if I failed to desire to become a doctor? Continuous self-reflection had finally allowed me to decide that the career I aspired for was not that of a physician. I set forth yet again, but with standards that I held myself by. I was determined to excel in school for my own needs and my own goals. Although I had not wished to be a physician, I knew that I wanted to be part of a team in the healthcare system.

 

In search for my part in the healthcare system, I began to volunteer at various healthcare facilities.  It was during my time at the local physician’s office I had encountered a slender, tall,  fifteen year old girl who sat with fists clenched tight. I could see the fear in her eyes as she stared at the needle. I made my way to her, gave her my hand, and told her she could squeeze as hard as she wanted to. While I engaged her in a conversation the shot was quickly administered without notice. The comfort and ease the patient felt by my presence was the feeling I yearned for.  

 

As I expanded my volunteering to Howard County General Hospital, I encountered physician assistants (PAs) whom I was privileged to observe. The relationship the PAs shared with the patients through their ability to provide medical care as well as tranquility to the patients was simply astounding. The relationships that these PAs possessed were also extended out to other healthcare professionals. These PAs worked alongside with physicians, medical assistants and even nurses. It was this type of teamwork I had initially seen being provided to my father when I was ten years of age. They were members of a medical team that worked to provide compassionate yet effective care to patients. I had finally found the career well-suited for me.

 

Although the care provided to my father steered me into the field of medicine, it was through my own interactions with patients that guided me to desire a career as a physician assistant.  I did not have a defined path that led me to pursue the role of a PA but a cluster of various events. These events and experiences have made me the caring, honest, determined, and motivated person I am today. When provided with the opportunity, I propose to extensively dedicate myself in becoming a successful physician assistant and hope to touch the lives of others through medical care.

 

[UGoLong]

The intro seems too long before we "meet" you. As a reviewer (which I sometimes am), I would probably get bored waiting for "you." Too many essays go on for too long trying to paint a picture of a beggar in the streets in another country, or a decrepit hospital room. Fine to do it, but be much quicker about it.

 

You make it sound like your parents forced you to be a physician. That doesn't come across well. Let them "encourage" you but show that you were your own person and, when you decided that it wasn't for you, you decided to become a PA and why that was. (Not as your second choice though!)  And you don't have to introduce the fact that "PA" is the acronym for "physician assistant." Your reviewers understand the acronym.

 

The main purpose of the essay is to get the reviewer to want to meet you in person. In this version, you don't tell us very much about yourself and what you did to get where you are, or what makes you different. 

 

I'd take another shot at it if I were you, but that's just my opinion.

 

Good luck!

[lodnl114]

I second the comments made above, and strongly encourage you to compose a new essay. Surely, you have grown as a person this past year, and using last year's essay stunts that image. I'm assuming that you'll be applying to some of the same places as you did last go-round, and it's important to show your reader how you've grown and what experiences over the past year have heightened your desire to go to PA school (or what experiences you now view differently).

 

Your last paragraph caught my eye. You state that it's your "experiences with patients that guided" you to being interested in becoming a physician assistant, but you make no mention of that. If that is what truly impacted you, then it should be included in your rhetoric.

[Blue4031]

Thank you very much for the input! I felt that the introduction was too long as well, but afraid if I change the essay too much that it might hurt my chances since it got me an interview the first time. You all make valid points, however. So I will work on rewriting it. Much appreciated!!