First Draft. Please Advise :)

[akt001]

Questions to consider: 

 1)Is my intro too risky? (I didn't know I wanted to be a PA for a long time etc) It's honest, but maybe risky. 

 2) Is my paragraph about my patient as a CNA too over the top emotional? I want it to induce emotion but not be over the top. 

 3) It is about 400 characters too long. Anything I should cut?

 

Thank you so much in advance and I will return the favor of looking yours over if you want me to. 

 

 

 

                Throughout high school and even college, I did not know I wanted to be a physician assistant. I knew the combination of my empathetic personality and passion for biological science were a good fit for a medical profession and was intrigued upon hearing about the PA program. I did not have enough experience, though, to solidify the reasons I wanted to make this my career. Only after college did I find those reasons. They came over time with every new experience. I became confident in my desire to be a physician assistant.

                Just out of college, I became a CNA at a rehabilitation center. This was difficult and strenuous work. I was often questioned by friends and family why, with a college education, I would take on such a job. I never saw the work as being beneath me; I saw it as my introduction to the medical world. I expected to learn some basic medical terms and tasks as well as how to interact with patients on a professional level. I had no idea I would learn so much about the strength, pain, joy, and sorrows associated with both healing and dying.

As a CNA, I had the humbling opportunity to earn the trust and touch the lives of people I would not have normally met. One patient in particular touched me in a way I will never forget. This woman came to my unit on a busy evening close to the end of my shift. I loved taking care of her because she exuded kindness and appreciation. Over the next few weeks, she declined in health. I learned that she had denied potentially life-saving treatment. She only had a few weeks remaining and accepted this. I took it as my personal responsibility to make her as comfortable as possible during these last weeks. I took extra time with her whenever I could and frequently stayed after my shift ended. As I reluctantly left her on her last night she told me she would tell all the angels in Heaven to take care of me as well as I took care of her. We both wept. This was the most extreme and emotional circumstance but I had similarly loving relationships with many of my patients. I cared for their physical wellbeing as well as their emotional wellbeing and learned the latter is often just as important. After working in what is considered one of the lowest healthcare positions, I will take my respect for these often overlooked patients and employees into my career as a PA.  

                Throughout my four years in college, I heard about the physician assistant profession on several independent occasions. I was interested, but knew the only way to truly know if I wanted to be a PA was to shadow and talk with one currently practicing. I learned one of my childhood friends fit this description. I shadowed Erin at her gynecological office and there I discovered I desired to become a PA over all other healthcare professions.  She spent the quality time with the patients. The doctor was often in and out of rooms in five minutes while she was able to talk to and get to know the patients on a more personal level. She advised young women about contraceptive treatments, older women about menopausal options, and performed an ultrasound on a pregnant woman in her second trimester. Regular patients to this clinic knew her on a personal level, evident by their questions about her family and hers of their family in return. The doctor was busy with phone calls and paperwork during much of this time. I know this was not because of a lack of caring on his part; his job simply required this of him. I want to treat patients by advising and prescribing medication, but I also desire to have a more personal and approachable relationship with them. Physician assistants have that opportunity.

                  Early in 2016, I began working in a hospital as a perfusion technician. I operate a cell saver machine during surgeries, returning lost blood to patients to prevent them needing bank blood. I have an endless supply of surgeons and surgical nurses to learn from. Some have taken me under their wing because the see my curiosity and potential. The smallest things thrill me: getting to explain to the patient in their preoperative suite the parts of the procedure I will be involved with, helping the nurses prepare the patient for their sterile draping, even getting to hold and examine a calcified blood clot just extracted from a major artery. Being able to assist in these simple ways makes me ever more confident healthcare is the place for me. On a normal day, I give back 100 or 200 milliliters of blood – helpful but not life-saving. Sometimes, the situations are more critical. On those occasions, my position goes from the background to forefront as the patients lose liter after liter. After a day like this, I go home knowing I was just a life-saving component of a surgical team. I know no better feeling.

                  As a CNA, I was able to spend time and talk with the same patients every day. I got to know them and they trusted me with their basic healthcare needs as well as personal stories. In this position, I was able to heal people emotionally. As a perfusion assistant, I am able to take on more of a traditional healthcare professional roll. I interact with doctors, nurses, and surgical PA’s every day. Occasionally I help save a life. Although in college I could not put into words why I wanted to be a physician assistant, after working in healthcare I know it is the career for me. I am a healer, I am a medical professional, and I am a future PA.

[lodnl114]

Thank you for sharing this! It sounds like you've had some really interesting experiences that have had a significant influence on you, but I think your draft only scratches a superficial level of how it has impacted you.

 

To answer your first question, I don't think it's too risky to write that you had a rather non-circuitous route to realizing you wanted to be a PA. It takes experiences, really, to learn about yourself and what your skill set is, and it just so happens that your experiences led you to realize that being a physician assistant was the best suited career for you. What I will say, though, is that this information would better serve elsewhere in your essay. The first paragraph should be engaging and draw your reader in (remember that admissions readers are reading a LOT of essays, and aren't able to go through most essays with a fine-toothed comb and unlimited attention to every single one), and addressing your non-circuitous route at the start falls flat. 

 

Patient anecdotes for a very patient-driven role is great.I think it shows that you're human. Instead of writing, though, that it was difficult and strenuous work, I'm left wondering what about it was difficult and what about it was strenuous. Instead of telling the reader what conclusions to draw, offer them the evidence to engage with your essay instead. I think your patient story has a lot of potential, though. What about the patient showed you that she was incredibly kind? How did you see her decline in health? How did this experience really shape how you viewed medicine and your role in it? 

 

After working in what is considered one of the lowest healthcare positions, I will take my respect for these often overlooked patients and employees into my career as a PA.  

 

Where did your respect come from? How did you know she was overlooked? It's important that your statements have roots.

 

 

When you begin to talk about shadowing and your work as a perfusion technician, your essay starts to lose some steam. It begins to feel like you're discussing your resume as if you were in an interview, rather than relating it back to your theme of not always knowing you wanted to be a PA. I'd encourage you to involve more transitions to accomplish this; focus less on the fact that your friend was the PA you shadowed, and focus more on how your experiences built off one another and changed your view of what you wanted to pursue. PA schools will know what experiences you've had, so don't feel obligated to write about each one. Two really memorable experiences that you can fully dissect are better than trying to fit more in at the cost of detail.

 

Overall, I think your essay has a lot of potential, and was a good go at a first draft! You've just scratched the surface, and I think after some editing and revising it'll be great. :)