Grammar NAZI wanted!!! Criticism needed!

[MullettHN]

As a child I strived to become something different than my parents. I was raised by a mother who suffered with drug addiction and a father that seemed to be interested in anything besides his two daughters. I searched for guidance and longed for something more than an empty fridge and a twin bed that I shared with my sister. In fifth grade I found that guidance. Mrs. Harley changed my life in more ways than one. She gave me hope that I still had the chance to attend college despite my background and the home I came from. I had always had a strong interest in school and gaining as much knowledge as I possibly could and she saw that. She ignited my inner strength that persevered me to strive for a college education. Despite the fifteen different schools I attended, the constant belittling by my mother, the torture of her addiction and abusive relationships, I went for it. I moved out of my mother’s house at sixteen, I worked at a grocery store and a restaurant in order to pay my bills. I was the happiest that I had ever been, I finally had stability in my life that I was searching for. I managed to save enough money for college applications and thankfully received help for the SAT. I graduated from high school with honors and a 4.7 GPA, I was accepted into college. This was a time in my life where all my hard work paid off. I was the second person in my family to graduate from high school and the first to ever attend college.

 

I had an immense attraction to science and knew biology was my passion. I scheduled myself a rigorous course load and was ready to take the next step in my life. But there are always circumstances that make it that much harder. I received a phone call from my cousin who was sentenced to seven years in prison. He wanted me to obtain custody of his young daughter Madison whom suffers from severe epilepsy. I struggled to make a decision. I questioned how I would be able to pursue my degree in biology, work two jobs, and take care of a little girl with a disability. But I knew that no one else in our family was capable of taking care of her, I was her only option. I was not the usual eighteen year-old college freshman. I had responsibilities and an obligation to Madison. She kept me focused and dedicated, what seemed to be the hardest most challenging time in my life was also the biggest blessing. I struggled with balancing my schedule and conjuring time to study, in the end my grades did suffer. I do have a few C’s on my transcript that I am not proud of. But I have to remind myself that a C does not define me as a student, but a time when my plate was just too full. I am currently a fifth year senior only to fix the C letter grades I have received. I want to show that I am capable of doing well in those courses and proving that I am intellectually ready for PA school.

 

The defining moment of why I wanted to become a Physician Assistant derived from a long stay at Cleveland Clinic. Madison was having uncontrollable seizures. It wasn’t until midnight when she finally fell asleep in her hospital bed. So I opened up my Immunology textbook and started studying, I had finals in two days. I was startled by a break in the silence. I walked to the door and peaked around the corner, I saw a young women sitting on the floor crying profusely. I walked over to her and crouched down beside her and wrapped my arms around her, she cried on my shoulder for the next twenty minutes. She looked up at me wiped away her tears, stood up and smiled. Without saying a work she turned around and walked back into her young child’s room. I did the same. In that moment I knew where I was meant to be, the combination of the look on that young mothers face and the science that I was so passionate about, lead me to fall in love with the healthcare profession. It fulfilled my desire and created a longing for something greater. I shadowed many different health care professionals at hospitals and my medical trip to Nicaragua. I found that a NP does not fulfill my immense interest in the broad spectrum of science courses. Becoming a doctor would inhibit the approachability of lateral mobility; I would not be restricted to a single specialty. I can still receive the reward of diagnosing and treating patients, along with gaining the science background I strive for.

I am at a point in my life where I am ready to focus on one thing only, becoming a physician assistant. I have used my experiences as motivation rather than an excuse, each day is a gift and a chance to become more than you were yesterday. I have lived my life by a quote from Francis Assisi, “ Start by doing what is necessary; then do what is possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” 

 

[lanime]

I didn't read you PS because the title of your post was a bit off putting. I hope you took more care in your statement to avoid potentially offensive words/language. I don't post this to be harsh or mean, just to point out that words can have significant meaning to people, even when unintended on your part.

[MullettHN]

OH! So sorry, I did not mean that in any bad way! I agree I could have definitely stated that differently, wish I could edit title! Sorry if I offended any one it was not my intention. 

[lodnl114]

Hey there. Wow, what a life you have led, and what strength it must have taken to write this. Anything I took out has a strike-through, and anything added is in red (including some added commas). The stuff in blue I have comments about at the end. Note that all of these are obviously just suggestions!

 

 

As a child, I strived to become something different than my parents. I was raised by a My mother who suffered with drug addiction, and a my father that seemed to be interested in anything besides his two daughters. I searched for guidance and longed for something more than an empty fridge and a twin bed that I shared with my sister. In fifth grade I found that guidance in Mrs. Harley, my [guidance counselor?]. Mrs. Harley changed my life in more ways than one. She gave me hope that I still had the chance to attend college, despite my background and the home I came from. I had always had a strong interest in school, in and gaining as much knowledge as I possibly could, and she saw that. She ignited my inner strength that persevered me to strive for a college education. Despite the fifteen different schools I attended, the constant belittling by my mother, the torture of her addiction and abusive relationships, I went for it. I moved out of my mother’s house at sixteen, and I worked at a grocery store and a restaurant in order to pay my bills. I was the happiest that I had ever been, I finally had stability in my life that I was searching for, and in that found happiness that I had, up until that point, never experienced. I managed to save enough money for college applications and thankfully received help for the SAT. I graduated from high school with honors and a 4.7 GPA, and I was accepted into college. This was a time in my life where all my hard work paid off. I was the second person in my family to graduate from high school and the first to ever attend college.

 

I quickly realized I had an immense attraction to science and knew biology was my passion. I scheduled myself a rigorous course load and was ready to take the next step in my life. But there are always circumstances that make it that much harder. I received a phone call from my cousin who was sentenced to seven years in prison. He wanted me to obtain custody of his young daughter Madison, whom suffers from severe epilepsy. I struggled to make a decision. I questioned how I would be able to pursue my degree in biology, work two jobs, and take care of a little girl with a disability. But I knew I was her only option; that no one else in our family was capable of taking care of her, I was her only option. I was not the usual eighteen year-old college freshman. I had responsibilities and an obligation to Madison. She kept me focused and dedicated; and though it was certainly the most challenging time in my life, being an eighteen-year-old college freshman, it was also the biggest blessing. [Write about why it was a blessing and remove the academic sentences that follow.] I struggled with balancing my schedule and conjuring time to study, in the end my grades did suffer. I do have a few C’s on my transcript that I am not proud of. But I have to remind myself that a C does not define me as a student, but a time when my plate was just too full.  I am currently a fifth year senior only to fix the C letter grades I have received. I want to show that I am capable of doing well in those courses and proving that I am intellectually ready for PA school.

 

The defining moment of why I wanted to become a Physician Assistant derived from a long stay at Cleveland Clinic. Madison was having uncontrollable seizures. It wasn’t until midnight when she finally fell asleep in her hospital bed, a silent respite from a day of chaos and fear. So I took advantage of the peace and began studying for an upcoming final. Soon after, though, opened up my Immunology textbook and started studying, I had finals in two days. I was startled by what sounded like [insert sound--NOT crying]. a break in the silence. When I walked to the door and peaked around the corner, I saw a young women sitting on the floor crying profusely. I walked over to her and crouched down beside her and instinctively wrapped my arms around her. She cried on my shoulder for the next twenty minutes. She looked up at me, wiped away her tears, stood up and smiled. Without saying a word she turned around and walked back into her young child’s room. I did the same. In that moment I knew where I was meant to be and what I was meant to be doing. The combination of the look on that young mothers face and the science that I was so passionate about, lead me to fall in love with the healthcare profession. It fulfilled my desire and created a longing for something greater. I shadowed many different health care professionals at hospitals and throughout a medical mission trip to Nicaragua. I found that a NP does not fulfill my immense interest in the broad spectrum of science courses. Becoming a doctor would inhibit the approachability of lateral mobility; I would not be restricted to a single specialty. I can still receive the reward of diagnosing and treating patients, along with gaining the science background I strive for.

 

I am at a point in my life where I am ready to focus on one thing only: becoming a physician assistant. I have used my experiences as motivation rather than an excuse, each day is a gift and a chance to become more than you were yesterday. I have lived my life by a quote from Francis Assisi, “ Start by doing what is necessary; then do what is possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.” 

 

 

Notes:

 

"I managed to save enough money for college applications and thankfully received help for the SAT." 

I don't think this adds much to your statement. Though it's certainly admirable, you can use the extra characters elsewhere.

 "I do have a few C’s on my transcript that I am not proud of. But I have to remind myself that a C does not define me as a student, but a time when my plate was just too full.  I am currently a fifth year senior only to fix the C letter grades I have received. I want to show that I am capable of doing well in those courses and proving that I am intellectually ready for PA school."

This sentence can be read several ways. Ultimately, though, the admissions reader will have access to your transcript and will see that. You acknowledged that your added responsibilities heightened the challenge of your first year. Continuing to focus on challenges would result in "challenge" being the take-away for your reader. This also is not the theme of your essay, and detracts from your overall message. It's amazing that you had so much on your plate, and have shown some great vulnerability already--your focusing on your C's can and should be explained in an interview or your supplemental application. In short, I'd remove all of this.

"In that moment I knew where I was meant to be..."

To me, this does not tell me anything. Your story leading up to it, though very emotional, adds little to being a PA or what being a PA entails (aside from patient contact). It took you quite some time to get to what led you to want to be a PA, but the rest of the paragraph that follows the above sentence falls flat because it doesn't really link to your anecdote. **Perhaps discuss your trip to Nicaragua as a means to show how exactly it added to your desire to be a PA, specifically.

"I am at a point in my life where I am ready to focus on one thing only: becoming a physician assistant. I have used my experiences as motivation rather than an excuse, each day is a gift and a chance to become more than you were yesterday. I have lived my life by a quote from Francis Assisi, 'Start by doing what is necessary; then do what is possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.'"

I think this ending is contrived. Adding a quotation at the end does not add anything to your essay since you're not actively relating anything back to it. If you delete this, then your paragraph structure could work as listed below:

Cleveland Clinic experience (with revisions)

Experience in Nicaragua/shadowing (only pick one to include an anecdote from)

Closing paragraph--discussing the lateral mobility and how you " can still receive the reward of diagnosing and treating patients, along with gaining the science background I strive for." Just make sure you expand beyond it.

 

 

Your story and your persistence are extraordinary. Again, thank you for sharing it, and absolute best of luck!!!

[UGoLong]

Plenty of words, but too few paragraphs. Break it up a little; make it easier on the reader. I'd like to see it again after you take all the other suggestions too. You are on to something.