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1st draft. Rough. Tone and Style critiques please.

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“Hey Ted, can you dip this urine?”, “Hey Ted, can I get an EKG in room 5?”, “Hey Ted, can you package 1A on the monitor for transport to Telemetry?”, “Hey Ted, we have a code coming in, get C3 setup, and prep the bedside nurse.”, “Hey Ted, I’ve got to get an IV in this baby in 5, can you watch my rooms, update vitals, and get any labs/POC tests done until I’m free?”, “Hey Ted, take a look at this EKG, should I get a repeat? Is that artifact or actual depressions in V3?” As an ED Tech at a Level 2 Trauma Emergency department with 50,000 visits per year, over the course of a 13 hour night shift I hear my name a lot. From a patient in the waiting room, to the charge nurse, to the attending ED physician, there is always someone calling and something to be done at any given moment.


    To that end, I am so grateful that I am exhausted at the end of my shift. I am so grateful that I get to spend 13 hours of my life next to some of the most intelligent, hard working, and driven people, all for the singular purpose of helping the sick and dying. One of the many dogma’s I have learned in my job is that if you do not truly believe what you are doing day to day, shift to shift, is your calling then you will not last in healthcare regardless of the setting but most definitely not in Emergency. I want to go to Physician assistant school to take the next step in my healthcare career, and gain the knowledge and clinical experience to do more for my patients, nurses, and doctors than I can now as an ED Tech. As an ED Tech you learn so much hands on clinical knowledge, but there is very little application for it in your job role. From the 100’s of EKG’s, to the 100’s of urine dips, codes, traumas, labs, cases I’ve been a part of I have learned telltale rhythms, lab values, and patient presentations. In the classroom I have learned the beginnings of what all that clinical knowledge means, but I’ve only scratched the surface.


I love what I do, but I know I can do more. I want to enact change in the lives of my patients and hold greater responsibilities than I can now. Just as much as I want to help my patients, I want to help my coworkers, so that the next time I hear my name called I can do more for them than I ever could now.



    -Where do I put this paragraph??


“I heard you speak Chinese?! No way!”, “You're 30 years old?! I thought you were 25 at most!”, “Someone said you used to work on Wall Street? What are you doing here?! Haha!” My path to the ED was a long and winding road, but I am so grateful for all my experiences, and that I have now found my true calling in life. Yes I studied Chinese in college, and lived in Beijing for a few years. Yes, at the trough of the recession I took whatever job I could to pay my student loans and ended up as an assistant financial controller for a retail corporation. Although these experiences shaped who I am today, they do not define me.


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Limit the quotes in the opening to maybe just three. I know you're aiming to show the varied nature of a shift at work, but it gets very repetitive.


I like your 2nd paragraph, but I would change "I want to go to Physician assistant school to take the next step in my healthcare career," to "I want to become a physician assistant to take the next step..."/"I see being a PA as the next step..." ​Show more about your passion for becoming PA, or how you're aware of what you'd be getting into as a PA. A single line in an admissions essay won't cut it.


I would also change the last paragraph full of quotes, to include no quotes to make it less informal. It also sounds a little braggy (but that could just be the informality of it). Change the tone and let your experiences shine; it seems you have a very interesting story to tell. Good luck

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Your first para is intriguing. This really shows you know what health care is about. However, you need to incorporate how the qualities of an ED tech make you more than qualified to be a PA, after all you guys are at the forefront of medicine. The last paragraph highlights your credentials but in a unrelated way. I think if you want to use these examples you need to create a whole new paragraph of how those interesting skills make you a valuable pa. For example, talking about having a second language under your belt is such a huge asset in healthcare FLAUNT IT. But make this constructive and correlative with the profession. Even working in Wall Street is a good example. It's a great way to show you are motivated to take your life in the direction you need to, also correlate this to the profession. Everything should blatantly show how your going to make a great PA, the admissions committee doesn't want to make assumptions based on your proof. Your voice is awesome and so is your theme but tie that story in the beginning to the end for a stronger conclusion. Awesome job for a first draft!

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I don't like your introduction; waaay too many quotes and it sounds like you're complaining about doing your job/how busy you are.  I understand that in the next paragraph you make an attempt to explain yourself, but by that point, the first impression has been made. 


I would talk a little about why you chose to pursue PA school in the first place.  So, what about the career interests you?  Talk a little more about any shadowing experiences you've had with PAs to prove that you know what you're getting yourself into.  

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