Personal statement first draft! Help?

[soxinabox]

So I will only be applying to one school this cycle because of the late deadline and other circumstances. I thought it would be beneficial to mention the school in the personal statement somehow to let them know I am serious about their program. Any advice on this would be appreciated!!! Please feel free to criticize as much as possible.. I am committed to being a PA and know that I am ready for the rigorous 28 month program.

 

Some of my stats:

GPA Pre-Req: 3.84

cGPA: 3.47

sGPA: 3.54

GRE: 158Q 158V 4W

Clinical hours: ~260

Peri-clinical (training) hours: ~160

Volunteer hours: ~20

Shadowing hours: ~20

 

Deleted

[NC30]

Your GPA and GRE are above average.

 

Tie in the first paragraph to the rest of the statement; give it a purpose, not just as an attention-grabber. I like the rest of the essay. I would leave out the name of the school though; could possibly send red flags that you are applying only to their school which could be misconstrued as cockiness. Always glad to see EMS folks on here. Good luck!

[paproof]

I agree with the above, but I'd spend a little more time talking about which aspects about a career as a PA interest you specifically.  

[Strohmboli]

I thought your essay was good overall but seems like it's pretty long? Remember you have a 5000 character limit including spaces so you might have to trim the intro story. I'm running into the same thing. Also as mentioned, this essay will go out to all schools you apply to not just EVMS so I would refrain from name dropping