first draft......all comments are welcome

[hgpaddoc]

Unfortunately I was not accepted to any of the schools I applied to this year so I decided to get a jump start on re-doing my PS for next years application cycle.....

 

 

There was a time when I was convinced my career would be in mechanical engineering. It took all of three hours for that to change. Driving around a bend in the highway and seeing a car overturned and bodies in the road was not what I expected to find on my road trip to start my Freshman year of college. I had spent the previous winter on a volunteer ski patrol and with that limited first aid training I got out to help in whatever way I could. With no ambulances on scene it fell to me and one other lady who had stopped to care for the three accident victims until paramedics arrived. Two hours later we had lost one of the passengers to crush injuries. To this day I still wonder if I would have been able to save him if I had more extensive medical training. Something in me woke up that day, something that defines who I am and the type of man I want to become. After the first week of college it was clear to me that my career would not be in engineering, it would be in healthcare; that is were I belong.

 

A little over a year later I boarded a plane to Africa. I chose to volunteer two years of my life as a missionary, serving among people who had never seen an ambulance, a hospital, and in some cases even a vaccine. Over the course of those two years I saw people die of AIDS, malaria, hepatitis, and many other diseases that are easily treated in America. I lived in a township that suffered from a massive outbreak of cholera. Funerals there are seen more frequently than mid-summer barbeques are here. During that time I grew to love those people in a way I still don't fully understand and it hurt me to know that they really had no hope for a long, healthy life. Despite being surrounded by so much pain, sickness, and death, I was blessed with the opportunity to help many people find a source of peace and hope. Towards the end of my mission I remember meeting with a young woman named Krissy Tembo who had recently been widowed and left alone with her two daughters and no job. She was severely depressed and struggling to survive. A fellow missionary and I worked with her for weeks to help her cope with the sudden loss of her husband and increased responsibility of being a single mother. When I left she was no longer struggling with depression and she was completely committed to providing the best possible life for her daughters. Working with Krissy, and many others like her, filled me with compassion, patience, and empathy. While I spent those two years primarily in religious endeavors I gained qualities such as these that are absolutely necessary in someone aspiring to be one who gives extraordinary care to his patients.

 

After returning from my time in Africa I chose a degree in Clinical Laboratory Science as the means through which I would begin my medical education. This education has given me an excellent foundation in studying the complexity of how the human body works and the countless ways in which it can break down. I also have a foundation in studying the pathology of viruses, bacteria, and parasites. In the years I spent earning my degree I gained an appreciation and thirst for learning about the human body that I am sure will remain with me throughout my life. Since graduating I have been working as a Medical Technologist, a job that is often overlooked and undervalued. I now have personal experience with parts of the health care process that very few people in the health care profession understand. This job is an integral part in the diagnosis and treatment of patients. Having that background will be an invaluable asset to me not only in PA school but also as a practicing Physician Assistant.

 

 

I said earlier that while I worked the scene of that car accident ten years ago something in me woke up, something that defines who I am and the type of man I want to become. At the time I didn't know how to put words to what I felt or what it meant for my future. Now I do; I am a care giver. The path my life has taken since that time has groomed me into someone I believe can not only have great success in PA school, but go on and become an outstanding Physician Assistant know for his dedication to providing extraordinary care to his patients.

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[david89]

Hi

just wondering, how much did you tweaked your ps from the last one. also, after i read your new one, i replace "physician assistant" with physician and it still make sense and i don't think that's a good thing. maybe you can include a little of why pa and not md. but again, this is my first year applying as well (still waiting with no interview yet), my input my might weight too much, but it's something to consider.

[hgpaddoc]

That is an interesting perspective about substituting the word physician, I had not ever really considered that. This draft is not entirely new, I tried to go through and cut out somethings that I found a little redundant, I also reworked paragraph 3 about my schooling and job experience. That paragraph looks almost nothing like the one I used this year. I got one interview from the 3 schools I applied to.

[mktalon]

You might consider rewording the sentence about all the diseases you encountered. It reads as if you think AIDS is an easily treatable disease in America. Not a huge deal but it's an easy fix to something that has a potential to catch a reader long enough to dwell on the wrong things in your essay.

[hlane]

I would change the intro to a more positive first impression. Start with your interest in being a PA, not what you don't want to do. "I stumbled into a career in medicine as I left home for the start of my freshman year in college." Something along those lines- condenses the first few sentences.

[chiaroscuro27]

For some reason, many writers like to document some

Kind of epiphany they had where they underwent a transition from one career path to another... As if the pa profession chose them, and did so in daramatic fashion. It's overused, and I think that being direct and concise can get you farther in an essay. It can say more about an authors confidence than beating around the bush. Thats why I'd cut out the part about you thinking you wanted to be an engineer. It says nothing about you, really. Cut the first two sentences and witness the transition. See how your essay begins with assertiveness rather than a whiney tone? Cut out the reference to engineering in the last sentence of the first paragraph as well. Tell them that it was clear to you that your career would be in health care.

 

It's true that you are lacking anything that specifically lays out why you chose pa school over medicine or nursing. However, I think you have a good piece here as in it's own right. I don't know that every essay needs to relentlessly hone in on specifically why the author chose PA. You describe some of your motivation, and do it clearly enough that it displays some maturity, which I think can lend itself towards portraying you as having sound judgement. If you show you have that kind of judgement, I don't think you have to repeat back to the reader what PAs do so that you can show them that you have done your homework. PM your essay to me and I will help you iron out some of the small stuff that will make it sound a little more polished. I'm a med tech as well, so I know how to present an essay to appeal to a few programs.

 

I bet I know where you are from and what schools you went to. Maybe even what programs you are applying to.

 

Bingo! This is it right here!

 

Just speak from the heart, folks. A lot of the statements I read sound more like movie scripts. This is real life. If you want to make an impression on the ADCOM, you have to relate to them.

 

I think you have a good draft here. Keep at it and you'll have a winner.