Please critique my personal statement. Thx.

[akeith72]

I am a little worried that I talk too much about my military career. I just retired from the Navy after 20 years so it has really has had a major impact on who I am today. Therefore if the purpose of the PS is to get to know the applicant, it might be appropriate. Let me know what you think. Thanks.

 

 

In 2007, while deployed to Kabul, Afghanistan as a Commander in the United States Navy, I was able to combine my sense of compassion with my desire to help people. In addition to military duties, which required working 14 hours a day, seven days a week, I joined a military organization called Volunteer Community Relations. As such, we visited local villages and hospitals and provided food, clothing, toys, and medical supplies to the local Afghans. Unfortunately, the one thing they desperately needed that we could not provide was medical care especially the type we take for granted like vaccinations and prenatal care. It was heart breaking playing soccer with a rambunctious little boy and returning two month later to discover he had caught polio and could no longer walk. Similarly, the sweetest little girl I met had an arm that was paralyzed because it got stuck in the birth canal when she was born. I saw so many of these types of completely preventable disabilities. On every humanitarian mission we helped so many people but I always felt that we should, and I could, do more, even if it meant changing careers.

 

When I deployed to Afghanistan I had served 17 years in the Navy; I loved being in the military and I had a great career. I enjoyed leading Sailors, mentoring junior officers, and working together as a team with a diverse group of people from different ethnic and racial backgrounds. I really thought that I would serve 30 years. However, my humanitarian experiences in Afghanistan changed that; I decided to retire when I reached 20 years of service to become a physician assistant in order to provide medical care to medically underserved people.

 

I have always been interested in health and science, in fact when I was in high school I believed that I would work in the medical field. I came from a single family home and we received government subsistence so my mother did not have the resources to help me with college. After my freshman year, I ran out of the money that I had saved working in high school so I enlisted in the Navy to take advantage of the GI Bill to help pay for college. While serving my enlistment, I was selected for a Navy Officer commissioning program and received a scholarship that allowed me to finish my degree. However, my military scholarship required me to become a line officer (an officer who is eligible for command of a combat or combat support unit) and would not allow me to go into the medical field which is staff corps (officers with non-combat specialties) therefore I became an Intelligence Officer. In the Intelligence field, information is examined to develop an analysis of enemy activity and predict the enemy’s next move. A similar thought process is utilized in the medical field; symptoms are examined to develop a diagnosis and to predict a prognosis. I have a proven 20 year track record in successful analytical thinking.

 

During my tenure in the military I received 13 personal awards, six unit awards, and 16 campaign/deployment awards. My personal awards highlight my leadership, analytical and technical performance in various jobs including Fleet Readiness Officer where I ensured the 500 Sailors in the Atlantic Fleet were fully trained and equipped for deployment; Biometric Officer where I provided the government of Afghanistan a biometric capability for their entire military and police forces; Knowledge Manager where I led a department of 130 personnel in analytical process improvement; Foreign Liaison Officer where I was the US representative in a multinational coalition of 25 countries, and Senior Intelligence Officer Afloat where I led a crew of 50 Sailors in intelligence analysis. Academically, all six semesters that was enrolled for my PA prerequisites I was on the college President’s Honor Role. Additionally, in March 2011 I was named EMT Rookie of the Month at my Rescue Squad.

 

To put my desire to help others into practice and give back to the community, I became a volunteer Emergency Medical Technician. I have worked in both medical and trauma scenarios and thoroughly enjoy using my medical skills to help people. As a volunteer rescue organization, we do not charge for our services. Consequently we encounter many medically underserved people who use emergency service for non-emergency care and put a strain on the Emergency Room. This has further strengthened my desire to become a PA and focus my efforts on the medically underserved in an effort to alleviate this strain.

 

Throughout my life I have operated with a set of morals and values that include honor, commitment, compassion and service. For the last twenty years I have served my country using these values; I enthusiastically look forward to serving humanity through medical care for the next 20+ years.

[alleycat]

military-wife was closest I got to service, so I find no fault with your focus on 20 years in Navy. after all, that was your life.

I liked the way you pulled together your service w/ wanting to be a PA. it flowed smoothly.

 

I did see two grammar errors Academically, all six semesters that < I > was enrolled for my PA prerequisites and

single family home??? or single-parent family home?? these are piddling and I heistate to even mention them

a very nice transitionyou did from the analytic navy work to dx & px analysis. good job! alleycat

[akeith72]

Thanks Alleycat. As many times as I read this, I did not see those typos...guess it pays to have a second set of eyes. Thanks again.

[alleycat]

anytime. glad to have been of some help. your PS is veery good, ....also very good. :;;D:

 

and this PS forum is a nice place to find eyeballs.

[mktalon]

I think you have a lot of great content but it is rough around the edges grammatically and structurally. The good news is that those things can be easily fixed. If i were you i would take it to a writing center at a community college and have them work through some of those issues. Other than that i think you have a alot of "meat" in your story. Btw, don't let on to some of the folks around these boards that you joined the military in order to help pay for college. They'll tear you a new one.

[Corpsman2PA]

While serving my enlistment, I was selected for a Navy Officer commissioning program and received a scholarship that allowed me to finish my degree. However, my military scholarship required me to become a line officer (an officer who is eligible for command of a combat or combat support unit) and would not allow me to go into the medical field which is staff corps (officers with non-combat specialties)

 

All the Medical docs I served with were in combat billets. Unless I'm just reading it wrong. I really liked the content though. I mentioned my service time as well because it did shape who I am, and what I want to become. Others talk about their jobs, so lets talk about ours.

[Just Steve]

Btw, don't let on to some of the folks around these boards that you joined the military in order to help pay for college. They'll tear you a new one.

I don't think an O-5 mustang working in Intelligence during the current deployment regime is really worried about some internet chatter about their reasons for joining 20 years ago. They have proven their mettle far and beyond 99% of the posters here.

 

To the OP: I am really rooting for you to get through and knock this goal out of the water. I think you have a TON of life experience that will bring an awesome perspective to any school that is fortunate enough to have you attend, or any practice fortunate enough to have you work for them.

 

I love your story and find it impressive, having served 10 years myself (HM2/USN). Having my background, I am tracking what you are saying. I wrote some drivel about how I'd suggest softening up the hard/heavy/fast/furious bullet format of your fourth paragraph where it may overwhelm a reader but then I thought "if they can't handle the tone of the writer's achievements, then they don't deserve to benefit from having this applicant in their program". That paragraph reads like an evaluation, where quantifying a person's achievements is paramount for a successful evaluation. I suspect you have written about 2 kazillion evaluations and that flow/style just comes natural to you at the keyboard.

 

Where are you applying to? I can't imagine you not getting an invite to interview anywhere you apply to. Best of luck, keep us updated! Thank you for your service.

[mktalon]

I don't think an O-5 mustang working in Intelligence during the current deployment regime is really worried about some internet chatter about their reasons for joining 20 years ago. They have proven their mettle far and beyond 99% of the posters here.

 

I am referencing comments that were / are made by people on this forum that jump on people whenever they say they want to join the military to help pay for school or shore up finances. I am just giving the OP a heads up that he/she might get some grief for having admitted that he/she joined for what these people consider to be illegitimate reasons to join the military. I don't share the view that going into service because you want to someday advance your education, or because you are down on your luck and need a new direction in life, are illegitimate. But having never been in the military, YET, my opinion does not matter much on these matters. Just thought I would give the OP a heads up.

[akeith72]

Hi Corpsman2PA,

 

I was not trying to infer that staff corp officers are not involved in any combat; we know that is not the case. The difference is the ability to be "in Command" of combat units, i.e. units trained to directly engage the enemy vice units that support the warfighters. For example, you never see a doctor or lawyer as the Commanding Officer of a ship (even a medical ship) but a doctor could be a CO of a medical clinic because it is a unit with the same non combat specialty. While it is true that we are all trained to use our weapons to defend ourselves, that is not the same as offensively seeking out the enemy which is what the line officers do.

 

That being said, if my original statement was confusing, maybe I should write ....required me to become a line officer (an officer eligible for Command of units involved in direct combat) and would not allow me to go into the medical field.

 

 

I don't know...what do you think?

[akeith72]

Hi Just Steve,

 

Thanks for your kind words...you made my day!

 

Yes, I was a little worried about the 4th paragraph that lists my awards but all the literature that I read said to mention awards. Obviously Joint Meritorious Service Medal means something to Veterans but not much to civilans so I decided to attempt to quantify my actions that warranted the awards. Obviously you are familar with the write ups!

 

I am currently living on the East Coast but I really want to get back to the west coast. I would love to go to UW in Seattle, which is where I got my BA, but they require two years of medical experience which I don't have. So I am looking in Oregon, Idaho, Montana or here in Virginia. We'll see. Thanks.

[Corpsman2PA]

Hi Corpsman2PA,

 

I was not trying to infer that staff corp officers are not involved in any combat; we know that is not the case. The difference is the ability to be "in Command" of combat units, i.e. units trained to directly engage the enemy vice units that support the warfighters. For example, you never see a doctor or lawyer as the Commanding Officer of a ship (even a medical ship) but a doctor could be a CO of a medical clinic because it is a unit with the same non combat specialty. While it is true that we are all trained to use our weapons to defend ourselves, that is not the same as offensively seeking out the enemy which is what the line officers do.

 

That being said, if my original statement was confusing, maybe I should write ....required me to become a line officer (an officer eligible for Command of units involved in direct combat) and would not allow me to go into the medical field.

 

 

I don't know...what do you think?

 

 

Gotcha...yeah i think it was just worded a little tricky towards the end. I'm pickin' up what you're puttin' down now. Good to go, aye sir, semper fortis. jk :)

 

I agree with Steve, there will be quite a few programs chomping after your app if they have half a brain.