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please help me decide what i need to take out, i feel it is too boring.


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This is still a rough draft, I know I need to work on smoother transitions and other details. But i am 100 words over the limit and need input on what I should take out.

Thank you so much for any advice.

 

 

While most children were outside riding bikes and climbing trees on weekends, I spent my weekends with my father at the nursing home he worked at. He started working here when I was just an infant so many of the residents here got to know me very well. I immediately took a liking to helping the elderly. I always wanted to help them in any way possible, and as a child there was not much I could do. While my dad was working I would sit in the lobby and just listen to anyone who looked like they needed someone to talk to. It was at this young age that everyone always told me I was a good listener and needed to find a career in the future that involved good listening skills.

 

Throughout my school years I always gravitated towards my math and science classes. I was very intrigued and eager to learn more about science courses and how the body system works. Much to my excitement, upon entering my freshman year my high school started a medical academy. I eagerly applied and eventually got accepted. During my time in this program I was able to further my knowledge of the medical field. As part of my program my class became Certified Nursing Assistants (CNA). We completed the book work portion during the first semester, and then during the second semester we were able to get our clinical experience. It is here that I first was exposed to the role of a physician assistant in the hospital.

 

We were each assigned to a nurse to shadow and the nurse would give us tasks to complete. Although I thoroughly enjoyed my role as a CNA, I could not help but watch the Physicians and Physicians Assistants and hope that one day I would be able to have their responsibilities. In the hospital I noticed that there were far more Physicians Assistants than there were actual Medical Doctors. This intrigued me to learn more about the profession and the PA’s were very kind and willing to answer any questions we may have had. As a CNA I worked alongside nurses, doctors, and PA’s. It was here that I learned about the integral role each person has as part of the team to make operations run smoothly. One characteristic that really stood out about PA’s was their indisputable love for their profession. It was unmistakable that the PA’s loved what they did which was demonstrated to their patients.

 

Upon entering college at the -------------, I continued to thrive to help my community and decided to volunteer at the local children’s hospital. I started my work on the Ante partum unit, but shortly after relocated to the radiology department. Here is where I really started to see sick children and could not help but want to know what was wrong with them, and help them get better. I often questioned the nurses about what these children were suffering from. Although many times the answer was sad, I was always very intrigued about how the body works and would always go home and look up more information about what I learned that day.

 

Junior and senior year of college I went back to work as a CNA. As a CNA I was able to work with people of all ages, and be exposed to all different types of diseases and disabilities. Being a CNA allowed me to fully understand why I loved working in the medical field. Not only did I like to help people, I also loved working in a collaborative environment with other health care professionals. I liked the feeling of being part of a team while making a difference in others lives.

 

My experience as a volunteer and Nursing Assistant has driven me to want to become a Physician Assistant. As a result of these experiences I feel I have a great understanding of what it takes to work as a team and provide quality healthcare. I love to learn new things and feel that as a PA my skills will be used to help others. My experience, self motivation, and knowledge of the medical field will help me succeed in my journey to becoming a PA. I am ready to do whatever it takes to enter this profession. I enjoy the fast paced environment, challenging scenarios, and most of all the satisfaction that I will be helping those in need. These experiences have given me a better understanding of what it truthfully takes to be a PA, and I look forward to starting my journey to become one.

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I think you have a unique situation that can be to your advantage. There are not many people who have had the exposure to medicine at such a young age as you. However, reading your statement, I found there was a huge absence of any hint of what you actually did outside of following other people around and asking them questions. Personally, I think it may benefit you a bit to put a bit more emphasis on your role and responsibility in the jobs you held. It's obvious you are curious about medicine, that is why you have been doing it since your freshman year of high school and are still pursuing it. Hammering away at they point by reminding the reader that you asked a lot of questions is wasted space in your PS.

 

The correct plural term is physician assistants. Not Physicians Assistants. Plural PA is PAs...no apostrophe. Apostrophe s shows ownership and I can't find an object that your PAs are owning. I personally wouldn't use the term "Medical Doctor" but instead go with just plain "doctor". Capitol letters for job titles when writing them out in long form such as certified nursing assistant, doctor, physician assistant isn't needed.

 

Telling the medical professionals in an AdCom (the people who read your essay) that CNAs work with people of all ages and are exposed to diseases and such is not really needed. These AdCom members are intimately familiar with the scope of where CNAs practice at. That being said, it would be nice to know what YOU did in your role.

 

I am not really sure why you are headed for PA verses RN...personally, I would address that to help demonstrate your knowledge base of the difference of the two roles, but that's just me. Your opinion may differ.

 

If you are still enrolled in college and have access to an English tutor, you may want to consider sitting with one and going over your essay. I don't mean to be insulting ,but when I was reading it, I pictured that it was written by a high school student. It may be an language barrier, I'm not sure. Either way, your flow needs help.

 

As I said..I think you have a wealth of experience from growing up and working in elderly care facilities and hospitals. That gives you a solid advantage over your peers. Help the AdCom see your experience and let them know you are not only super curious, but also very capable.

 

Good luck

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100 words? No problem I will see what I can do for you.

 

While most children are outside riding bikes and climbing trees on weekends [Delete.], I spend my weekends with my father at a nursing home he worked at [Omit.]. He began working there when I was a kid so many of the residents here got to [Obstructs sentence flow.] know me very well. I immediately took to aiding the elderly. I always wanted to help them in any way possible. As a child I could do much. While my dad worked I sat in the lobby listening to anyone who looked like they needed someone to talk to [Word Change. Replace with company or companionship.]. At a young age everyone told me I was a good listener and needed to find a career in the future that involved good listening [Replace with the word such.] skills.

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Throughout my school years [Get rid of.] I always gravitated towards my math and science classes and am intrigued to learn more about how the body system works. Upon entering my freshman year my high school started a medical academy. I eagerly applied and was accepted. During this program I was able to further my knowledge of the medical field. As part of my program my class became Certified Nursing Assistants (CNA). We completed the book work portion during the first semester, and then during the second semester we were able to get [Replace with we obtained.] our clinical experience. It is here that I first was exposed to the role of a physician assistant in the hospital.

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We each shadowed a nurse and were given tasks to complete. Although I thoroughly enjoyed my role as a CNA, I could not help but watch the Physicians and Physicians Assistants and hope that one day I would be able to have their responsibilities. In the hospital I noticed that there were far more Physicians Assistants than there were actual [Delete.] Medical Doctors. This inspired me to learn more about the profession and the PA’s were very kind and willing to answer any questions we may have had. As a CNA [You already established that you are a CNA. No need to restate the fact.] I worked alongside nurses, doctors, and PA’s. Here I learned about the integral role each person has as part of the team to make operations run smoothly. One characteristic that stands out about PAs is their indisputable love for their profession. It was unmistakable that the PA’s loved what they did which was demonstrated to their patients [Entire sentence restates the one before it. Get rid of it. You make the same point as before.].

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Upon entering college, I continued to shrive to help my community and to volunteer at a local children’s hospital. I started my work on the Ante partum unit, then relocated to radiology. This is where I really started to see sick children and could not help but want to know what was wrong with them, and help them get better [Replace with help them get better.]. I often questioned the nurses about what these children were suffering from. Although many times the answer was sad, I was always very intrigued about how the body works and would always go home and look up more information about what I learned that day.

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Junior and senior year of college I went back to work as a CNA. I was able to work with people of all ages, and be exposed to different types of diseases and disabilities. Being a CNA allowed me to fully understand why I loved working in the medical field. Not only did I like to help people, I enjoyed working in a collaborative environment with other health care professionals. I liked the feeling of being part of a team while making a difference in others lives.

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My experience as a volunteer and Nursing Assistant drives me to want to become a Physician Assistant. I feel I have a great understanding of what it takes to work as a team and provide quality healthcare. I love to learn new things and feel that as a PA my skills will be used to help others. My experience, self motivation, and knowledge of the medical field will help me succeed in my journey to becoming a PA. I am ready to do whatever it takes to enter this profession. I enjoy the fast paced environment, challenging scenarios, and most of all the satisfaction of helping those in need. These experiences have given me a better understanding of what it truthfully takes to be a PA, and I look forward to starting my journey to become one.

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Your version 769 words. My version 546 words. That is 223 words. Over twice the amount of words that you needed to get rid of. Not to mention the sentences should flow better. I hope that helps. Now you have 223 extra words to add in more exciting things if you wish.Or perhaps I should say 123 words since you were already 100 words over the limit from the start. Best of luck. StudentPA out.

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I know it still needs work but i am having a hard time making smooth transitions between paragraphs. (and i still need to take out some more) any more ideas?

 

 

 

While most children were outside riding bikes and climbing trees on weekends, I spent my weekends with my father at a nursing home. He began working there when I was a kid so many of the residents knew me very well. I immediately took a liking to helping the elderly. I always wanted to help them in any way possible, and as a child there was not much I could do. While my dad worked I sat in the lobby listening to anyone who needed companionship. It was at this young age that everyone always told me I was a good listener and needed to find a career in the future that involved such skills.

 

I always gravitated towards my math and science classes and am intrigued to learn more about how the body system works. Upon entering my freshman year, my high school started a medical academy. I eagerly applied and was accepted. During my time in this program I was able to further my knowledge of the medical field. As part of my program my class became Certified Nursing Assistants (CNA). We completed the book work portion during the first semester, and then obtained our clinical experience. It is here that I first was exposed to the role of a physician assistant in the hospital.

 

We each shadowed a nurse and were given tasks to complete. Although I thoroughly enjoyed my role as a CNA, I could not help but watch the doctors and Physician Assistants and hope that one day I would be able to have their responsibilities. In the hospital I noticed that there were far more Physicians Assistants than doctors. This inspired me to learn more about the profession and the PA’s were very kind and willing to answer any questions we may have had. I worked alongside nurses, doctors, and PAs. Here I learned about the integral role each person has as part of the team to make operations run smoothly. One characteristic that stood out about PAs was their indisputable love for their profession.

 

Upon entering college, I continued to thrive to help my community and decided to volunteer at a local children’s hospital. I started my work on the Ante partum unit, then to the radiology department. This is where I really started to see sick children and could not help but want to help them get better. I often questioned the nurses about what these children were suffering from. Although many times the answer was sad, I was always very intrigued about how the body works and would always go home and look up more information about what I learned that day.

 

Junior and senior year of college I went back to work as a CNA. I was able to work with people of all ages, and be exposed to different types of diseases and disabilities. Being a CNA allowed me to fully understand why I loved working in the medical field. Not only did I like to help people, I enjoyed working in a collaborative environment with other health care professionals. I liked the feeling of being part of a team while making a difference in others lives.

 

My experience as a volunteer and Nursing Assistant has driven me to want to become a Physician Assistant. As a result of these experiences I feel I have a great understanding of what it takes to work as a team and provide quality healthcare. I love to learn new things and feel that as a PA my skills will be used to help others. My experience, self motivation, and knowledge of the medical field will help me succeed in my journey to becoming a PA. I am ready to do whatever it takes to enter this profession. I enjoy the fast paced environment, challenging scenarios, and most of all the satisfaction that I will be helping those in need. These experiences have given me a better understanding of what it truthfully takes to be a PA, and I look forward to starting my journey to become one.

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As a kid, I spent my weekends with my father at a nursing home. I grew to know the residents very well and immediately took a liking to helping the elderly. I always wanted to aid them, but could not due to my age. As my dad worked I sat in the lobby listening to anyone who needed companionship. It was at this young age that everyone always told me I was a good listener and needed to find a career in health care. Following their advice I took classes in math and the sciences [Transitional element.].

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I was intrigued to learn how the body system works. As a freshman, my high school started a medical academy. I eagerly applied and was accepted. During my time in this program I was able to further my knowledge of the medical field. As part of my program my class became Certified Nursing Assistants (CNA). We completed the book work portion during the first semester, and then obtained our clinical experience. These events exposed me to the role of a physician assistant in the hospital.

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My experiences as a CNA, helped me to understand the roles of different health care providers. In the hospital I noticed that Physicians Assistants outnumbered the doctors. This inspired me to learn more about the profession. [Deleted an and.] The PAs [Do not use an apostrophe here.] were very kind and answered all of our [Or you could say my since this part is about you.] questions. I worked alongside nurses, doctors, and PAs. Here I learned about the integral role each person has as part of the team to make operations run smoothly [i essentially moved this to the top of the paragraph so that it did not have to be repeated and would save you valuable space. I recommend removing this portion. That way you end the last sentence with a mention about PAs and start the next one about them as well.]. One characteristic that stood out about PAs was their indisputable love for their profession.

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Entering college, I continued to help my community by voulnteering at a local children’s hospital and began to research the PA profession. [Helps transition from previous point about PAs.]. I started my work at the Ante partum unit, then moved to radiology. There I saw numerous sick children but could not help but want to help them get better. I often questioned the nurses about what these children were suffering from. Although many times the answer was sad, I was always very intrigued about how the body works and would always go home and look up more information about what I learned that day.

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I resumed working as a CNA as a junior and senior and was able to work with people of all ages. I was exposed to different types of diseases and disabilities and grew to love the medical field. Not only did I like helping people, I enjoyed working collaboratively with other health care professionals. Being part of a team allowed me to make a difference in others lives.

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Working as a volunteer and Nursing Assistant drives me to want to become a Physician Assistant. As a result of these experiences I feel I have a great understanding of what it takes to work as a team and provide quality healthcare. I love to learn new things and feel that as a PA my skills will be used to help others. My experience, self motivation, and knowledge of the medical field will help me succeed in my journey to becoming a PA. I am ready to do whatever it takes to enter this profession. I enjoy the fast paced environment, challenging scenarios, and most of all the satisfaction that I will be helping those in need. These experiences have given me a better understanding of what it truthfully takes to be a PA, and I look forward to starting my journey to become one.

 

These are more aggressive cuts. The transitions go as follows. Paragraph 1 ends with you taking science courses to fulfill your desire for a career in health care. Paragraph 2 states, or should sate, that the classes that fascinated you the most were those involving the human body. Paragraph 3 relates to health care duties and to the PA profession. Paragraph 4 involves you researching the PA profession. Paragraph 5 involves you being a part of a medical team. I hope this helps. Keep working at it. I am sure you will get there.

 

StudentPA

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One does not cut boring parts out of a boring statement to arrive at anything more than a mediocre statement.

 

One works from the ground up at building an excellent, compelling statement that tells a gripping story that compels an Adcom to invite one because one is just that interesting. Of course, if a particular author has no interesting or compelling stories to tell, then the statement cannot be compelling. Garbage in, garbage out, we used to say in my former field.

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Rev ronin then perhaps you could advise on how to improve this Personal Statement since you have clearly written a successful one before in order to become a PA student.
I just did. Personal statements aren't patients; we can (and often should) give up on one and try to do better on the next.
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