Personal Statement-criticism and help appreciated

[janetlee]

Here is my first draft. I need to get this in ASAP and would appreciate any help you could offer. Thank you..

 

Nine year old Maggie stumbling across the soccer field was the first sign of the glioma’s presence around her brain stem. Fast forward past trips to St. Jude’s Hospital, Make a Wish Vacations, and stays at the National Institute of Health. Eleven months later, my husband would be a pall bearer at her funeral. That same year, my son would have a classmate with a pediatric brain tumor and a four year old girl who attended the Sunday School program I volunteered at would also have a brain tumor.

In 2010, I developed pulmonary emboli after surgery. Following an additional hospital stay, I contracted a severe infection, resulting in yet another surgery and hospital stay and further medical intervention. The infection returned again a month later. The conclusion of my medical story came in November 2010 when, as a secondary result of removing certain prescriptions due to the pulmonary emboli, an ovarian cyst enlarged, requiring its removal. This consequence resulted in the finding of Borderline Ovarian Cancer.

During my undergraduate studies, I majored in Biology, with a pre-medicine concentration. I changed this focus to nursing, finally settling on life sciences. I earned a Master of Science in Horticulture degree in 1997. Following this educational achievement, I pursued family growth and developed a horticulture business. During this time, I developed skills of quick decision making, autonomy, critical thinking, self-direction, and interpersonal skills.

In recent years, having watched and participated in the battle against brain cancer in three child and two adult friends and family members, I am motivated to help those in uncertain and vulnerable medical circumstances. Being able to view these situations from both the sidelines and the inner circle provided a valuable learning experience about decision making from both a purely medical perspective and from a patient’s quality of life perspective.

In 2010, my own unexpected hospitalizations, surgery, and treatments changed my life focus. I learned wound care, PICC line care, drain care, and proper IV usage. Attending to my own medical care unveiled my love for medicine. Extensive exposure to the medical field and practitioners during this time revealed in me a passion for diagnosing and helping people manage their health. To confirm my career goal of becoming a Physician Assistant (P.A.), I shadowed, volunteered, and assisted in the following areas: Emergency Department, Operating Room, family practice office, and medical/ surgical floors.

My final validation of pursuing the profession of a PA was confirmed during a recent medical mission trip to the rural jungle hospital in Rio Viejo, Honduras. I assisted the local resident physician providing medical care to the underserved rural patients. One young Honduran woman, who had walked ninety minutes up the mountain to seek medical care post cesarean section 10 days, presented with a fever and abdominal pain at her incision site. The patient’s incision was reddened, warm, and swollen with an infected abscess. The experience proved immensely rewarding. Working with the patient to translate and provide her with the best care even in an underserved setting meant even more knowing I had recently gone through a very similar medical situation, which I shared with her. Throughout the medical mission trip I saw how essential a medical provider is to the healthcare needs of a community, particularly the rural communities. It is my desire to provide quality care to the patients I will serve in any setting I am placed as a PA and to return to the mission field on an annual basis as a PA-C.

I thank the admission committee for the opportunity to be considered as an incoming PA student. I look forward to the interview process to further discuss how I will be an asset to the medical community and the people we serve.

[Nako12381]

Your first paragraph is awkward and needs to be looked over. It doesn't flow very well and seems out of place. You mention a variety of cases, but there's no connection to the next paragraph, or an explanation why it's there.

 

Overall, your PS seems a bit rushed. You have some good details, but it needs to be explained more throughly.

[Cvarady]

I agree with Nako, you have a great story but it needs to be completely re-written so that it flows better.

[GatorRRT]

I don't know if you've searched around on the forums at all, but most folks spend at least ten hours and rewrite their narratives a number of times.....I know I did. This is really something you want to spend time on, as it is the only thing the ad com has to distinguish you from your stats. It seems like you've had quite a few experiences with being a patient, which is a nice start, but I would focus in on one or two of these hospital stays/events and really explain why they caused your interest in PA school.

[Just Steve]

Rushed is exactly how I felt as well when reading it. Part of it may be the format of the statement, lacking any real visual breaks such as a proper paragraph, but I think that is a result of a cut and paste from your word processing program to this forum.

 

You do cram a TON of fairly heavy stuff into a very short space without a well developed flow. The stories of kids with brain cancer are gut wrenching, and your own experience is harrowing, but in the big picture of a personal statement for PA school, are those the stories you want to leave your reader with? Perhaps allusions to indepth exposure to medicine through your own family and personal experiences, and leave the details for the interview? I don't know, just an idea.

 

An example of poor flow is here

 

"who had walked ninety minutes up the mountain to seek medical care post cesarean section 10 days, presented with a fever and abdominal pain at her incision site. The patient’s incision was reddened, warm, and swollen with an infected abscess. The experience proved immensely rewarding."

 

I read over that a couple of times to make sure I was catching it correctly and it was only after I read further, then applied a retrospective look at the above statement did I start to understand that you didn't mean it was good for the woman to walk that far with an abcess. Perhaps you could explain that you had a very rewarding experience assisting with language translation and the direct care of a woman who had was suffering from an abcess status post a C section 10 days previous and who had to walk 90 minutes to get care. There was an immediate bond as you had recently had a similar experiences with your own health. Again, just a suggestion.

 

I think you have a rich depth of experience that will serve you well in your role as a PA and it will take some finesse to get that point across without overwhelming the reader. I think perhaps holding back a little, making more allusions that direct descriptions will leave the reader wanting to get to meet with you to learn more about your story...that translates into an interview invite. Tantalize just enough...

 

good luck

[StudentPA]

I gave it my best. However, there was little information given and what information there was did not flow that readily. I have tried to breath life into your Personal Statement. I hope it helps. Keep working at it. I am sure you will get your Personal Statement down in a clear and concise manner eventually. Just use this as a spring board for ideas if you must. Though please do not simply copy it.

 

While the brain can be fascinating it can also be terrifying. Such was the case when a glioma appeared around the brain stem of my nine year old daughter Maggie. Maggie was rushed to St. Jude’s Hospital where she received medical treatment. Sadly despite multiple medical interventions my loving daughter did not make it. Eleven months later my husband was the pall bearer at her funeral. This was not the end of the tragedies. My son’s classmate [insert name here] feel victim to a pediatric brain tumor that same year as did a four year old girl who attended the Sunday School program I volunteered at.

Little did I know that these events were merely foreshadowing of what was to come. In 2010, I developed pulmonary emboli post-surgery. This lead to further hospital stays. During this time I contracted a severe infection and underwent yet another surgery. I thought it was over, but I was wrong. A month later the infection returned once more. Further complications occurred when I stopped taking certain prescriptions due to the pulmonary emboli. An ovarian cyst grew and required immediate medical treatment resulting in Borderline Ovarian Cancer.

 

 

As an undergraduate, I hoped to help treat patients with my life sciences degree. In order to expand upon such desires I earned a Master of Science in Horticulture in 1997. During this time I began to develop as a person and started a business. I learned the skill of quick decision making when I had to make a decision on which plant would best help a person recover from an illness. Such decisions required a degree of critical thinking to avoid adverse reactions. Working with people improved my interpersonal skills as I had to work with others to ensure that my clients’ orders got to the desired destinations on time. Being a boss required me to think inwardly about myself self-directing me towards a state of autonomy.

 

 

In recent years, I have taken the skills I learned starting my horticulture business and used them in the fight against brain cancer. I support events that help raise money for future research of such diseases. I am motivated to help end such tragedies for others so that no one else needs to go through what I did. My personal experience with such illnesses was a valuable learning experience. The incidents of 2010 changed my life’s focus. I have since learned wound care, PICC line care, drain care, and proper IV usage. Attending to my own medical care unveiled my desire to provide others with quality care. Extensive exposure to medical professionals has given me a passion for diagnosing and helping people manage their health.

 

 

My exposure to the medical field includes shadowing, volunteering, and assisting in the following areas: Emergency Department, Operating Room, family practice office, and medical/surgical floors. In addition, I went on a medical missionary trip to Rural Jungle hospital in Rio Viejo, Honduras. There I assisted the local resident physician by providing medical care to the underserved rural patients. Once case that I particularly remember involved a young Honduran woman, who had walked ninety minutes up the mountain to seek a medical care post cesarean session ten days prior. The woman presented with a fever and abdominal pain at her incision site. The incision was red, warm, and swollen with an infected abscess. The experience proved extremely rewarding.

Working with the patient to translate and provide her with quality care in such a setting meant even more due to my own medical experiences. This allowed me to form a bond with her. Through the medical mission I saw how essential a medical provider is to a community’s healthcare needs. It is my desire to become a Physician assistant to provide quality care to the patients I serve, regardless of the setting. I will continue such missions on an annual basis after becoming a PA-C. Therefore, I urge the admission committee to give me the opportunity to help provide quality medical care to those who are in such dire need of medical professionals.

 

Best of wishes,

 

StudentPA

[janetlee]

Thank you all for your feedback!!! I will take your suggestions and rewrite again and again!!! Thanks so much!! :)

[StudentPA]

You are most welcome. I wish I could have helped more, but I kept feeling like I did not have enough information to elaborate upon anything other than your last couple of paragraphs. If you do post a revised edition please let me know and I will try and review it again.